post exam?
looking at most of the people around me starting to enjoy their hols, i'm getting into post exam mood already.. i was looking at my planner and thinking about what to do with my free days after exams.. and i was getting happy over what i could.. forgetting that i've got one more gem paper left.. losing focus.. which is not very good..
but it's always good to plan ahead! haha.. i never really understood why people put down to do lists on blogs.. but i think i get it now.. something to look forward to.. =) in no particular order..
1. go shopping.. i'm so dying to go town!
2. kbox! lalalala..
3. watch movie! lots of movies coming up.. davinci code! how can i ever miss that..
4. go settlers.. but xin say they 'eat' money.. oh well..
5. meet up with all my frens and catch up with them..
6. go to my hairdresser, dentist, optician.. wad's exams done to me? sigh..
7. go travelling.. i wanna go Scandinavia!
8. practice my long lost piano.. need some music if life.. haha..
9. tennis and lose weight! haha.. it's been on my to do list for years.. literally..
10. get a part time job.. after all the above.. haha..
so frens.. if u wish to do items 1-5.. date me k.. 9-10 also can.. hahaha..
i need to get my life back.. ok.. maybe i sound a little desperate here.. blame it on being cooped up at home for 2 weeks staring at books and notes everyday.. 3 days more.. can't wait! i'm getting cranky.. haha.. =)
live life and love life!
tears
no matter how hard i tried to hold my tears back, i was unsuccessful.. this is the second time i cried for someone i do not personally know.. for a batchmate battling against cancer cells so courageously, physically weak but her will stronger than any other..
i was reminded about her story through an email sent out by RGS batchmates rallying fund raising efforts and support for her.. Not too sure about the circumstances intially, there were constant updates recently about her situation.. through blogs and the recent feature on the newspaper, i learnt about her whole story.. and i was affected by the sole thought that one who is younger than me has to be put through this lesson of life which no one else can ever understand..
suddenly everything else seems so insignificant.. whether i get 10 or 11 mcqs correct, or how many As i get this sem becomes so superficial.. while those often taken for granted becomes as important as they should be.. facing death at my age becomes unimpossible.. yet i feel a deep sense of unfairness.. who chooses the victims of cancer? who has the right to deprive of one the bright future and happiness at such a young age? i'm sure she asked such questions.. she feared.. but she was stronger.. she overcame it and she will fight on even if that meant just another second more of her life..
her story has affected and changed the lives of many.. to better understand life and its meaning.. and to better cherish family and friends and the things u hold dear in life.. hopefully i'll relearn all that again.. perhaps the only consolation is the compassion, the love and concern it has brought out from many others.. as well as the efforts from our alma mater, RGS, and our batchmates to support and stand by her.. something which i am immensely proud to be part of..
the rest we can do is to pray for her.. i am not a Catholic.. but i know that God will stay with her on this path and give her strength to continue on.. for the sole reason that she believes..
fight on joan!
first paper
thought i wouldn't have the luxury of blogging during these weeks coz of exams.. but i think i need an outlet once again.. before i waste more time thinking over and over again.. promise myself that after this, there's no more thought about it anymore.. promise..
had my first paper today.. IT.. it's actually a lot of fun doing an exam with my bro.. haha.. can discuss with him and go through with him certain concepts or papers.. and share notes which is mutually beneficial.. (really.. can't imagine how i'll do the paper without his lab print out..) perhaps only once in a liftime will he sit in front of me in the same exam hall taking the same paper.. cool..
i was fine after the exam.. though i was in a state of shock towards the end not understanding why i had to rush out my last part of the answer.. it was indeed quite scary.. i anticipated to complete the paper in at most one and a half hours.. still dunno why i din have enough time.. after i handed up the paper and was sort of certain my last answer wouldn't be very far off from the correct one, i juz thot it was over and i should stop thinking abt it..
but subsequently i realised mistakes in two of my answers.. it's weird how I can easily tell others that it's over and to stop thinking abt it.. when I can't do it myself.. but the scarier thing is my mentality.. and my expectations on myself.. being so affected just because i got 3% off my grade.. was i expecting full marks??? perfectionist? i dunno.. but that'll be crazy..
sometimes u thot u were smart to see the trick in the question, but the question is smarter.. i said i'll give it to anand this time.. it was too intelligent a question.. but at the back of my mind i knew i was so close to getting it correct.. so close.. yet my inability to see another part of the trick makes me in the same state as those who din see the first part of the trick at all.. the fustrating thing abt mcqs..
sometimes i'll just have to learn to let go.. (i thot i mastered that? apparently i gotta relearn it again) i don't recall having such problems last sem.. perhaps coz of my policy of not going through answers with my frens after that.. i went for exams with what i called ping chang xin.. just making sure i did my best.. which i think it's impt.. so wad has the burden of expectations done to me? oh man.. i'm quite glad i'm only feeling it now.. i can't imagine how i could have taken it if i were the top few students in the school when i was younger.. i don't think a child could have taken it.. (though i noe many who were in that position and are still happy people now..)
great.. think i'm out of the IT mood now.. =) keeping my promise.. and reminding myself about ping chang xin.. off to mug!
the 'interview'
i think i really haven't applied for something for too long.. lost touch or sth.. somehow an interview is the only way i thot a company could evaluate and choose a potential employee or scholar.. yet i was totally proven otherwise today..
mistake number 1: never happily assume a 'scholar selection exercise' to be an interview.. without checking it out before hand.. that was precisely what i did.. until perhaps yesterday i went back to read carefully the email they sent to me.. i realised that the timing was rather weird.. it starts at 1.30pm and they mentioned that it will end at 5pm.. i started to suspect it to be more than an interview.. but din go deeper than that..
going there expecting to enter a room with, if they are friendly prob juz 2 or 3 interviewers, if they are mean prob 5 to 7.. haha.. in the end i saw groups of people leaving and individuals coming for the 'interview' at the same timing.. i sort of knew it wasn't solely an interview.. at least there was a group exercise coming my way.. i found the idea refreshing.. and weirdly exciting..
apprehension was inevitable, no matter how much i tried to convince myself and calming myself with whatever inspiration i could think of.. but the idea that everyone else there would be my official juniors somehow gave me confidence.. it's cool to be different, though feeling quite old sometimes.. but soon after we were brought to a room with an exam setting.. and right away i could sense that it was a written test.. i juz couldn't guess that they wanted us to write an essay.. within 45minutes, choosing 1 question out of 4.. it felt exactly like an extension of exams.. since i was in exam mode i really din mind.. i'm always better in writing as compared to verbal communication..
after writing an essay and doing a somewhat familiar personality test, i experienced one of the most interesting ways a selection exercise can be conducted.. to me at least.. coz apparently it was rather expected when i started asking the rest.. prob they have really improved on innovation and creativity even in terms of choosing their talents.. it was a group exercise, in which a case study was given to us, giving us 5 minutes to read, 40 minutes to discuss and 5 minutes to present. It really sounded simple.. but there are factors in which totally slipped my mind.. and every other group member's minds..
mistake number 2: never lose track of time in a discussion.. and never wait to be told what to do.. and never underestimate the requirements of a good group discussion.. and that is again what i did.. hahaha.. with 2 HR people observing us on the side after giving us abt 30 seconds of instructions, we were all on our own.. no communication or consultation whatsoever with them.. interesting.. and so we started our discussion after being told 10 minutes later that our 5 minutes reading time was up.. so we commenced on our discussion.. the question was simple because i knew the answer they were looking out for.. i knew the intention of the question and the politically correct answer.. yet interestingly.. no one in the group saw that to be the main crux of the question.. prob because helen told me what the firm was actually looking out for.. of course making some more insightful suggestions (*ego*) i realised that no one actually kept record of the time.. it totally slipped my mind (and everybody else's) how impt time management is.. hmm.. so i didn't do so badly there since it was me who pointed it out.. but i think all of us screwed up at the back.. because after being told there was 5 minutes left, we assumed that someone would tell us to commence our presentation.. but to the contrary, after 10 minutes the HR people told us that our presentation time was over! haha.. frankly i was in a state of shock at that time, because i didn't see that coming.. totally.. and after that i din expect myself to overlook that point.. it's about initiative.. about not being told to start; instead telling them that u are starting.. of course in the end they gave us a chance to present.. but i knew the contents of the presentation was secondary..
although i din fare as well as i would like to.. (considering that i'm a business student i should have known group dynamics better and saw that coming.. i did fare better than my fellow group mates though.. ) but i really look at it in a positive light.. the experience was invaluable.. and now i know what companies look out for through their innovative selection processes.. honestly, my chances are not high and i noe it.. not because i am less competent, but because of the discipline i am in.. (it's complicated..) however i'm not less proud that i'm in biz.. if i were in that same position a year ago, or in fact looking at people one year my junior, somehow i realised how much exposure i have been through and how much i have learnt throughout my uni life.. and i cannot deny the fact that it was biz training that made me more outspoken in the discussion, insightful in my analysis, and confident in my presentation.. no least bit of regret in my performance today.. although there was a miscalculation on my part.. i put in my best shot.. at least i don't think i have disgraced my reputation nor anyone else's..
that was 6 hours gone for that eventful 'interview'.. plus the preparation beforehand would make it more.. meaning that amount of time less for my revision.. i don't think i can sleep for the next 2 days if i want to finish my revision.. oh well.. but beauty sleep is always more impt.. hmm.. that's a tough one.. anyway mugging time!
webcast marathon!
just a little different from a movie marathon in terms of content.. and that it's at home with a small screen, with notes taking and a teeny weeny bit more intensified.. 10 webcasts in 2 days at an average rate of 1.7 times.. somehow i find people talking too slowly now.. hahaha..
can't believe i lived through that.. (thankfully it's mr anand for most of it) but that's not the end.. coz i've another 5 more webcasts to revise for marketing.. and i'm so certain this time that i have to listen to every single word of all of them considering how attentive i was towards the end of the marketing course.. but cool.. at least i've done a substantial amount for econs and it.. now starting on marketing.. starting to read my textbook finally.. must make use of it coz i bought a brand new one! haha..
not too sure the status of the other 2 modules.. still regreting that i din s/u my gem module.. it's like hanging in the air.. haven't touched the rest of the 4cm thick double sided reference notes that were printed except that time frantically researching for my essay.. (which i still completely dunno wad it's abt) and comparing the amount of revision i did for ma with fna last sem.. i'm starting to get worried for ma.. hmm.. hopefully the time will come and the boat will be straightened at the bridge.. hopefully..
i don't think i can write anything else related to work now.. time is just so scarce.. if i had double the time i have at hand now.. prob it'll be sufficient.. it's weird that i'm always just a little bit late in everything.. why couldn't i have started off that little bit earilier then? haha.. a million dollar question for myself i've yet to answer.. i can't really recall how i paced myself last sem.. but i din remember myself so pressed for time then.. or perhaps it's a subconscious burden of the expectations that is constantly pressuring me..
choices in life
just received a call and a mail from biz school vice dean.. telling me i've been shortlisted for interview for my scholarship application for pwc.. she sounded more excited than me.. prob coz i sort of expected it since she put in perhaps all the good words for me already.. she actually went the extra mile to write a recommendation letter and gave pwc a call to talk to them abt me.. i think they at least gotta give her the 'face' and accept me.. to think that she was the one who brought this scholarship into biz school in the first place.. but really feel very appreciative for all she has done for my application.. don't even think it would have been possible without the weight of her good words..
yup received the mail from pwc asking me to go for 1st round of interviews on 18th April.. yest that's like 3 days before my first paper.. don't ask me how i'm going to prepare for it.. i really dunno at the moment.. one week more.. already starting to feel jittery.. haha never been good at interviews.. perhaps to many it doesn't mean anything.. juz prepare one day in advance and got there to be myself.. but for me it means a lot of preparation.. i'm not exactly fast in my thinking proces.. but yet again i'll try.. and i'll make sure i'll try my best.. coz now it's not only my 'face' involved, which is not worth a lot.. it's also the vice dean's reputation which we are talking about here now..
the choices in life are really interesting.. they really gotta put everything together at the same time.. law biz ddp application was juz out.. i was intending to go for the breifing tmr.. and was intending to apply for it first.. then decide whether i want it later.. anyway it doesn't involve any essay writing this time.. so why not? anyway i noe it's either accountancy or law ddp, regardless whether i get the scholarship.. but it's still too early to make a choice.. (if u ask me what major i'll be taking i'll always give a hesistant answer) or have i subconsciously decided already? anyway hate myself for being real indecisive.. i dunno why i'm always so torn when law is involved.. sigh..
dunno how it'll go.. but i'll make sure i at least don't screw up for my interview.. got 2 reputations to uphold here.. if u count bizad that'll be 3.. haha.. it's not easy.. but doing my best is just all i ask for..
game theories and option explicits
i was a fan of the movie 'a beautiful mind'.. respected his ingenuity, perserverence and passion for knowledge.. and his courage in facing life.. remember checking up for some information on the real person after that.. of course the movie beautified the real story..
john nash became a familiar name to me.. not so much his theories though.. but learning game theory is interesting.. learning abt anticipating other's actions and strategic thinking.. something new which enhances thinking.. did the last tutorial of the course for econs on that.. trying to figure out whether union's threats on rejecting a contract could be possible.. haha.. realising that they are incredible threats after all.. glad econs tutorials are over meaning no more thursday meetings and rushing the answers out on friday.. (like last fri i was frantically editing it while doing IT and trying to figure out about two part tariffs at the same time with about only an hour left to tutorial.. quite stressful.. esp when everything goes wrong.. haha) and the every-tutorial-3%-of-ur-grade thing is super irritating..
the library today was intimidating.. full of people mugging and the atmosphere somehow rather tense.. some people need such environments to study.. i can't.. i need a corner of my own.. not seeing anyone around.. not feeling the tension.. brought a whole load of books and stuff hoping to have some time to mug.. ended up spending all my time doing the IT project.. again.. juz wanna finish all the indentations and comments once and for all.. glad i finished them though.. been thinking of doing completing it since forever.. but sure got some other nitty gritties which take up more time later.. sigh..
did the teacher evaluation thingie today.. juz saw it so decided to juz finish it.. if not it'll be hanging there again.. something on my mind i gotta complete.. in the end i find myself too afraid to give really bad comments.. so oh well.. the worst is a neutral.. voted for Mr Anand as outstanding teacher.. he totally deserves it! spent quite a lot of time writing the nicest stuff about him.. =) he turned me from an IT idiot to a search engine expert.. after hanging my computer countless times though.. haha.. very motivational and encouraging.. and super super patient.. and of course charismatic.. (no wonder there are countless girls falling for him.. hahaha.. i clarify first.. me excluded) my respect for him comes purely from a student.. who can feel the concern and help provided for when we feel totally lost in the course of learning.. there are never stupid questions.. and he makes sures he clarifies all of them as best as he could until we understand.. wad more can a student ask for from a teacher who understands the essence of learning and teaching?
got ma tutorial presentation tmr.. it's the last tutorial also.. everything's coming to an end for the sem.. i promise myself i won't panic tmr.. i noe i can do it.. live the spirit! =)
5 simplest pleasures in life
on the request of a great fren.. here's the 5 simplest pleasures in my life.. =)
in no particular order.. juz typing out what comes to mind..
1) to have great frens around who understands.. who tolerates my unreasonableness in certain actions and supports me even if they do not agree.. who is always there to listen and advice, even if half the time i noe not how to describe my feelings.. whom i noe i can turn to and noe that they will be there for my happiest and saddest times in life.. and the frenship needs no constant maintenance, requires no frequent meetup.. yet when we come together, we noe the relationship has not changed.. now or in the future..
2) to have someone to think about when i am down.. when i feel like giving up.. and to noe that this thot will put a smile on my face.. and motivate me to hang on there..
3) to noe that people love and care.. and to learn to cherish that..
4) to catch up with an acquaintance or an old friend i haven't met for years.. and to cherish the fate that once brought us together as classmates or juz a person who brushed shoulders.. and to make him/her more than juz another passing stranger in life..
5) to live everyday with an aim or direction, and to noe that i am one step closer to my goals in life..
at long last its over...
2,3,4.. nope this is not a counting game... those were the times i've been sleeping at these recent weeks.. 4am?!?! it's crazy to me.. i never thought i'll end up sleeping at that time.. considering how much sleep i need usually.. but desperate times calls for desperate measures.. and my marketing project wasn't in very good shape from the very start.. we started off late.. just only 2 weeks before the date due.. perhaps that sense of urgency made me work so hard..
but yes at long last it's over.. i'm quite happy with the report.. my days and weeks of effort, of course with
most of my other group mates.. the presentation wasn't as bad as i thought in general, though the tutor said that it was a little unclear which i have to agree coz it was a little technical.. did an impromptu skit.. haha.. but i thought one of the happiest things was that I once again lived his spirit and tried to do a good presentation.. i still can't totally not refer to my cue cards.. but i increasing my confidence and reducing the nervousness successfully! still in the process of training up my presentation skills, but it is inspirational everytime i do a presentation and aspire to be better, to be like him.. for once the marks don't matter that much to me.. i thought i have done my best this time for the report and my part in presentation.. if i get marked down coz of another person's presentation skills, there's really nothing very much i can do abt it.. yet what's mine is mine.. the skills in presentations are much more valuable as compared to the marks in this case.. and i'm glad i'm learning each time i experience it..
of course now i live happily ever after without marketing project.. and finally start on my revision.. yes i haven't started yet.. at all.. been pushing it back coz of projects.. but i'm glad that i have made frens from this project as well.. definitely great frens who played the tolerance game with me.. haha.. =)
the smile, the thought and the imagination
the title is all encompassing.. perhaps to the extent that the cause and effect relationship cannot be clearly differentiated anymore..
coincidence ended after that week of unexpected events.. besides the incessant teasing, what people called 'fate' seemingly disappeared from sight.. literally.. unknowingly why but inevitably, depression did set in soon after.. but i thought the effects of his presence on me would be reduced significantly ever since.. i always believed in a time test.. yet i was wrong..
back to school for the umpteenth consecutive saturday, i was wearing a 'sweet' outfit to attend a birthday party that night.. (interestingly my mum had objections to wad i wore before i changed into that.. haha..) joining my project group mates at the benches outside lt 16, i recognised a familiar figure from his backview juz a bench away outside the clubroom almost immediately.. i realised how coincidental it was that just a second ago i was wondering whether i would meet him.. or was it a case where i was wondering every moment, it being so habitual that it goes unnoticed by myself? i said nothing, and did nothing.. or so i thot.. yet the smile from the heart was subconscious.. i never knew i was smiling until my group mates started noticing..
he was there with a group of people.. dressed formal once again coz of a presentation.. (nope i din stalk him.. i noe coz he's in the same class as my bro and my bro had a presentation.. haha..) my group mate who was acquitanted with him too spotted him a moment later.. saying out loud that he was there and suggesting that we approached to say hi.. all i could do was to urge him to keep quiet and continue with our work.. but i guess everyone could sense that i wasn't my normal self.. strangely, i had no intention at all to show my existence.. and again i panicked when he was facing our direction while pacing up and down practising his lines i suppose, not knowing how to respond if he did see me..
a technical problem in my group mate's laptop resulted in our moving to the clubroom.. it was inevitable that i made my existence known this time.. i made things as natural as i could.. gathering some of my stuff to move into the clubroom, i walked past him and headed for the door.. but the proximity was such that no normal person would not turn to look at who that person opening the door was.. eye contact.. a sincere smile and a little wave from him this time.. and of course the happiest smile i could give..
it really makes me wonder how much he noes.. from the first smile of courtesy to this smile of sincerity.. the weeks in between could mean a lot for information transfer.. given the size of bizad and the velocity of flow of information.. i should not be surprised at all that he is reading this at this very moment.. [and considering that chelsey have found this blog.. i really wonder]
i recall a conversation with my group mate..
my group mate: why u dress so nice? going out with him ah?
me: where did that come from? i don't even noe him!
my group mate: i thought u are going out with him.. coz he dress so nice also..
me: of course not! he's got a presentation, that's why..
now u noe how absurb rumours are created.. coincidental through our outfit causing this misunderstanding.. but one which totally caught me by surprise.. the thought of it is just so unimaginable.. so impossible.. so far from reality.. (btw i've spoken no more than 10 sentences to him..)
"rebec! u're in love!" i've perhaps heard it a hundred times.. but can there be the existence of love without the foundations of frenship? i used to believe in love at first sight.. not because of anything else.. but coz it is romantic to believe that love is fated and meant to be.. (the consequence of too many happy ending fairy tales or hongkong drama.. haha..) but in reality, love is too sacred to be mentioned based on a distant admiration.. too many times it has been proven so.. that love is different from the massive 'crush' one has on a guy/girl..
who am i convincing now? so.. perhaps i am in love.. not with the person but with an idea.. with a thot built upon my own imagination.. too often i distant myself from those i respect, admire or get infatuated with.. not solely due to the plain reason of shyness.. but also to leave myself the room for my imagination, the imperfection in knowledge in exchange for the perfection of the person in my impression.. to prevent the disappointment of him not being what i expected him to be.. i am definitely not implying that he is not perfect in his own way.. (most probably he is anyway).. but perhaps i am in love with the feeling of having a thot to keep you going.. to inspire.. to put a smile on your face unnoticingly.. so much so that i dare not risk the least bit of possibility in ruining it..
the inspiration remains.. tangible or not depends on fate.. i would not stop fate.. but neither will i attempt to create it..
