the smile, the thought and the imagination
the title is all encompassing.. perhaps to the extent that the cause and effect relationship cannot be clearly differentiated anymore..coincidence ended after that week of unexpected events.. besides the incessant teasing, what people called 'fate' seemingly disappeared from sight.. literally.. unknowingly why but inevitably, depression did set in soon after.. but i thought the effects of his presence on me would be reduced significantly ever since.. i always believed in a time test.. yet i was wrong..
back to school for the umpteenth consecutive saturday, i was wearing a 'sweet' outfit to attend a birthday party that night.. (interestingly my mum had objections to wad i wore before i changed into that.. haha..) joining my project group mates at the benches outside lt 16, i recognised a familiar figure from his backview juz a bench away outside the clubroom almost immediately.. i realised how coincidental it was that just a second ago i was wondering whether i would meet him.. or was it a case where i was wondering every moment, it being so habitual that it goes unnoticed by myself? i said nothing, and did nothing.. or so i thot.. yet the smile from the heart was subconscious.. i never knew i was smiling until my group mates started noticing..
he was there with a group of people.. dressed formal once again coz of a presentation.. (nope i din stalk him.. i noe coz he's in the same class as my bro and my bro had a presentation.. haha..) my group mate who was acquitanted with him too spotted him a moment later.. saying out loud that he was there and suggesting that we approached to say hi.. all i could do was to urge him to keep quiet and continue with our work.. but i guess everyone could sense that i wasn't my normal self.. strangely, i had no intention at all to show my existence.. and again i panicked when he was facing our direction while pacing up and down practising his lines i suppose, not knowing how to respond if he did see me..
a technical problem in my group mate's laptop resulted in our moving to the clubroom.. it was inevitable that i made my existence known this time.. i made things as natural as i could.. gathering some of my stuff to move into the clubroom, i walked past him and headed for the door.. but the proximity was such that no normal person would not turn to look at who that person opening the door was.. eye contact.. a sincere smile and a little wave from him this time.. and of course the happiest smile i could give..
it really makes me wonder how much he noes.. from the first smile of courtesy to this smile of sincerity.. the weeks in between could mean a lot for information transfer.. given the size of bizad and the velocity of flow of information.. i should not be surprised at all that he is reading this at this very moment.. [and considering that chelsey have found this blog.. i really wonder]
i recall a conversation with my group mate..
my group mate: why u dress so nice? going out with him ah?
me: where did that come from? i don't even noe him!
my group mate: i thought u are going out with him.. coz he dress so nice also..
me: of course not! he's got a presentation, that's why..
now u noe how absurb rumours are created.. coincidental through our outfit causing this misunderstanding.. but one which totally caught me by surprise.. the thought of it is just so unimaginable.. so impossible.. so far from reality.. (btw i've spoken no more than 10 sentences to him..)
"rebec! u're in love!" i've perhaps heard it a hundred times.. but can there be the existence of love without the foundations of frenship? i used to believe in love at first sight.. not because of anything else.. but coz it is romantic to believe that love is fated and meant to be.. (the consequence of too many happy ending fairy tales or hongkong drama.. haha..) but in reality, love is too sacred to be mentioned based on a distant admiration.. too many times it has been proven so.. that love is different from the massive 'crush' one has on a guy/girl..
who am i convincing now? so.. perhaps i am in love.. not with the person but with an idea.. with a thot built upon my own imagination.. too often i distant myself from those i respect, admire or get infatuated with.. not solely due to the plain reason of shyness.. but also to leave myself the room for my imagination, the imperfection in knowledge in exchange for the perfection of the person in my impression.. to prevent the disappointment of him not being what i expected him to be.. i am definitely not implying that he is not perfect in his own way.. (most probably he is anyway).. but perhaps i am in love with the feeling of having a thot to keep you going.. to inspire.. to put a smile on your face unnoticingly.. so much so that i dare not risk the least bit of possibility in ruining it..
the inspiration remains.. tangible or not depends on fate.. i would not stop fate.. but neither will i attempt to create it..
rebec inspired @ 1:03 PM
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