spin
it's been a while since i drove on a road with practically no cars in singapore. maybe i don't hang out too late too often to realise that enjoyment. but today, for the practical purpose when i most needed it, i had the opportunity. top down with the past midnight breeze at a comfortable pace of my own is just a perfect spin in my perspective. a perfect ending to an otherwise tremulous day, physically and psychologically.
i reached my limit today. i could take it no longer. i exploded. and hopefully i found peace for a while again. sometimes i hate myself for my stubborness and for being so unreasonable. i am guilty, but i can't bring myself to say i'm sorry. i realised that i want to continue to protect myself. i don't need more time because time will not change anything. i finally concede to that fact. what i want is space. but no matter how hard i try, it will never be the same again. this is how it is going to be, and it has become very clear. i have to accept it, or escape it. i fight no more. speak no more. but i can never stop myself to think no more.
the spin to run away.
christmas
the meaning of christmas has moved beyond a christian celebration. it seems to me that it is celebrated by almost all whom i noe, in some way or another. perhaps it is the influence of the western culture. perhaps it is just another excuse to celebrate the last week of the year. or perhaps it is the commercial impact of christmas lightings and sales that fuels the festive atmosphere and the need to give. whatever the reason, christmas eve feasts, parties, count downs, gifts, people filled shopping centres just seem in line...
even for me, this christmas seems like something special. and then i realised that the reason lies in the fact that its been the 1st time in 3 years that i spent xmas in singapore. 2006, i spent it in cambodia. 2007, in venice. 2008, it's high time that it's singapore. and while i don't admit to celebrating xmas delibrately, there seems to be a xmas spirit lingering around me.. perhaps it's just the shopping.. or the happy conclusions to this year.
very soon, end of 2008 is approaching. and i always like to reflect on what happened in the past year. there were a lot of deperession in 2008. falling into and out of them throughout my personal life. they are not gone. i know that. i just learnt how to bury them somewhere in my subconscious and hope they will never resurface ever again. but i know they will. they always do. but i guess the efforts on my part is to work on them and keep them down as much as i can. but then again. efforts does not always equate to results. and sometimes, maybe i just don't want to try to deal with them because I give up.
there were a lot of experiences in 2008. the first half of the year was a semester of moving beyond new york. and going back of course. my first international case competition in london, one which i only got to enjoy on hind sight. the trip to egypt. eventful and thoughtful, and definitely exciting. consulting practicum. perhaps something i never want to go through again. forge some frenships, unfortunately it strained some too. i'm just glad it's over now, with many lessons learnt. gym. picked up a membership which i was frequented constantly throughout the year because i didn't want to waste the money i paid. ubs summer internship. fantastic 3 months in this year, which gave me a boost in my job hunt. proved to be an underappreciated experience this second half of the year. ubs program. made many fantastic frens who are now all over the world. research methods in finance. the most challenging course ever, with the nicest prof ever. an interesting combination.
there were many realisations as well. i don't really want to be a forensic scientist anymore, after taking a course on forensic science. i enjoyed the course, but it was opened my eyes to what they really do behind the glamour potrayed by csi. i can compose music! i have one masterpiece from my science of music course which i dreaded during the process. i am a perfectionist. confirmed with a stamp after my business policy class. i have an uncanning similarity with my dad in terms of temperament. i love criminal minds.
there were many achievements in the 2nd half of 2008. getting a job at pwc advisory, something i believe that i really want and have expectations on. it's a burden off my shoulders, truly. this leaves 2nd semester of 2008 to thesis and modules alone. organising internal case competition to the best of my ability, serving my obligations and the expectations by others and by myself. scoring my first cap 5. getting myself a trip to copenhagen on what i think is the most iconic case competition for the school. and managing all of that in the last 4 months.
things to look forward to in 2009. japan trip in end jan. copenhagen and scandinavia in end feb. europe in may. australia in june. work in july.
