the perfectionist at work
wow probably my blog's gonna be a fortnightly visit for myself already... gotta revive it.. haha.. been a real hectic week for me with all the projects kicking in and deadlines coming up.. i've completely put away my club stuff completely.. it's been taking up too much of my life...
and once again the perfectionist is at work.. can't stop myself but i'm seeking perfection in almost all my projects.. to the extent that my group mates start feeling guilty that i'm doing everything.. and i'm start feeling guilty that i'm taking up all the work to do.. hmmm.. that sounds a little contridicting..
i just can't help it.. for IT coz my shifu say it would be easier if the code is written by one person.. so in the end it's me coz i have a shifu to fall back on.. the user form and the codes were all done by shifu and me.. haha.. and i juz want to make it robust.. so i tested it in every way possible and ask my group members to do the same.. hoping to achieve a higher level of perfection for the project.. but gotta admit that it's almost applying all the IT concepts.. hence i learnt a lot from it.. and the sense of achievement when i debug something is immense.. trust me..
perhaps it's coz of expectation from myself as well as my peers.. i really wanna do well in everything.. in every single project or component.. it's abt pushing my limits to a higher level of excellence.. and i think i sound like a perfectionist freak now.. din noe i had these tendencies before.. or perhaps i'm just aspiring to be like someone.. what i call 'live his spirit'.. whenever i feel down or tired the thought of him never fails to inspire and motivate.. it feels good and comforting.. i never realised the impact of a thought could be so powerful till now..
thanks pal!
i came to the computer a little down.. a little tired.. a little sad.. it's been almost a week since i blogged.. been really too busy with BZ magazine.. (how apt a magazine title to keep me 'BZ' haha..) been a little irritable over the past week with tons of work to do and waiting to be done.. yet my incapability of allocating jobs to people has resulted in me taking on lots of things.. and for the past week i haven't been studying at all.. i'm totally lost in some of my modules which worry me because the last thing i wanna do is screw up my results.. my studies are definitely first priority.. yet i haven't given sufficient attention to them to justify that..
i decided to blog about all that.. at least a place for me to whine and complain and be sad for a while.. then perhaps i'll feel better.. yet it's interesting how people's emotions can change so simply and easily.. by the mere act of a friend i met on msn..
it was the second time this week he cheered me up.. perhaps coincidently.. but definitely timely.. the first was his offer of music which was really a destresser for me when i was on the verge of collapsing.. i just realised how effective a 'dose' of music can cool and calm me down.. and the second would definitely be one of the most hilarious things i have encountered in my life.. hahaha.. i was laughing so much in my room that i forgot all my sadness for the week.. hence the supposedly 'sad' post has become more of a dedication to him for his timely efforts this week.. timely was important.. but i thought the effort part was far more commendable..
The consequence of the act was definitely one part which made me so happy and amused.. (how could i not be?) yet the idea of someone concerned abt my life and thinking of ways to help me out here was more invaluable.. we're not exactly the closest friends.. yet for him to use his 'skills' to help me was something i was quite touched about.. and thank technology.. really.. though it involved a little 'crime' as he put it.. with the limited information i had.. the power of technology is really amazing.. it makes the world so much smaller.. and makes everyone somehow linked up together..
perhaps only him and i can understand the contents of this entry.. but no matter.. for this entry is dedicated to him anyway.. u should noe who u are and i dare not say more.. all i can say is "Thanks so much pal! U've made my day!"
p.s. look out for my frienster account pple! =)
a week of unexpected encounters
i halted in my tracks.. my heart was beating noticingly faster for a reason i do not know.. i had a strong urge to turn back and deviate my path from his.. yet i wanted so much to move forward, even if it just meant walking past and showing my existence.. i wasn't the cool and calm me.. at least i know i wan't inside.. i totally lost my composure within..
***********tuesday**********
Thanks to unexpected low level of ink in my printer that day, I was on my way to the computer lab to print my notes.. Walking along the corridor between LT 16 and 17, it was the first time I saw him in school ever since.. clad in a brown shirt he looked different from the guy in suit.. but not unrecognisable and definitely not less admirable..
spotting him coming out of his seat from a distance, I instinctively stopped in my tracks momentarily.. my first thot was what if he knew abt this blog and its contents.. what if he knew my unbashful online declaration.. contrary to what many might think.. i do not usually write openly abt my feelings.. i might just die of embarrassment if he did know..
but i regained my cool front almost immediately.. covering half the distance looking at the ground and my wallet, I looked up in his direction only when i was nearing him.. trust me.. it was the bravest thing i could do at that point in time.. no i did not smile happily and walk up to him asking him abt life and all.. if u noe me well enough u'll noe i'm not that type.. and sometimes i really cannot forgive myself.. my next thot was whether he actually recognised me.. from the number of people he talked to that day he prob din.. and i really din want to look like an idiot smiling at him with him wondering who in the world i was.. i don't think i could have taken that..
i walked past with a faint smile but not intentionally towards him.. the worst thing was that he recognised me.. I dunno whether to be happy or not.. he smiled a smile of wad i call a smile of courtesy.. not from the heart but a smile of acquintance and acknowledgement.. then of course i smiled back.. blame it on the extreme shyness beneath the proud pretence.. but i was afraid to show too much of my emotions..
it's weird how fast i regained my capability to smile and laugh from the heart after losing it during that critical moment.. perhaps i regained too much of it.. On my way to the com lab, sitting at the computer terminal, printing my notes, on my way back, during my lecture.. i might have been smiling and laughing to myself to the extent that people would just think it were the after effects of studying too much.. haha.. my friends started asking me wad happened..
***********friday************
Under the most abnormal circumstances, I was on my way to the car to get my lap top.. walking down the stairs towards the library thinking that an unexpected encounter might just occur at that very moment.. and then I saw him again.. this time i stopped in my tracks for half a minute or so.. smiling at myself.. making sure that i was not seen this time round.. don't ask me why.. i can't explain it myself.. he was clad in white this time, bidding farewell to the same girl i saw with him on tuesday.. he walked towards the rag site.. i made sure i didn't.. i deviated my path away from his.. yet after i went to my car, i half wanted to see him walking my way once again.. it didn't happen though..
**********saturday**********
Open house 2006! an exciting day of persuading people to come into bizad and at the same time persuading myself that i made the right decision.. providing others with information while providing myself with the same information abt the new programmes launched by bizad.. it was a great experience.. and it's not everyday u get to talk to all the vice deans on a personal note..
nope i din see him that day.. but i did talk to one of the vice deans who actually went to Copenhagen with the case team.. haha.. i could only shake my head and wonder why i've got to see or hear something to do with him almost everyday in the most unexpected situations.. but i was not complaining.. haha.. it wasn't even the topic of our conversation.. more of talking abt why he didn't go to the bazaar organised by bizad club and then realising he prob was at Copenhagen during that time.. and of course i continued the conversation asking abt the competition and all.. haha..
**********sunday************
Sunday.. i din see him in person.. i would just freak out if i did coz i stayed home the whole day.. but quite interestingly he did appear on my computer screen.. hahaha.. oh wow.. i think it was most unbelievable.. it's interesting how coincidental things can get and how many different ways u can be reminded abt a person..
busy with collating all the grad photos being sent to me for the purpose of the magazine, i looked through all of them.. one of which caught my eye as it read 'case competition'.. it was a photo of one of the participants of case competition.. and guess wad.. in the background there he was! haha.. and as i was looking through more photos, i saw another photo with him inside.. this time he wasn't in the backgroud but was smiling at the camera with the whole group of people..
it's not supposed to happen this way.. he's supposed to have come and gone.. leaving nothing more than a memory to inspire.. yet time and again he appears and catches me by surprise.. i don't noe how to respond.. i don't noe what to think.. i don't noe how to feel.. and the point that he's not exactly unlinked to me coz he actually noes my bro and my senior doesn't seem to help.. hmm how would one actually respond knowing he's admired by the very person he's talking to? i wonder..
friendly rivalry?
i remember once a gp essay question asked whether friendly rivalry was ever possible.. i never got an answer to that.. but i totally admire pple who are able to achieve that.. or maybe sophisticated enough not to show the arrogance in winning or the soreness in losing.. perhaps some might call them hypocrites.. but i choose to call them true sportsman..
roddick is one person i really must mention with regard to this.. for as long as i watched tennis with federer and roddick in the finals, he has always been 2nd in the competition.. though during the match i hope so much for him to lose such that federer wins the championship, i enjoy his speeches at the end to comment abt him
losing the match.. not solely because that means federer has won, but more towards respecting him for being able to lose with pride and at the same time commending his rival's game..
federer lost his recent match to nadal... i was very sad abt it actually... but i'm sure he had great sportsmanship on that even after having a 56-unbeaten hardcourt matches streak.. all he said after the match was that nadal was simply too good that day and that he was happy with his own performance.
perhaps i didn't mention it before but he was not the winner of case competition.. their group was first runner up and he was also not the best speaker though he received special mention.. i was completely bought over at that time and didn't expect the results to be as such.. but i could see that he and his group took it very well.. whether just on the surface or sincerely from the heart i don't know.. but they shook the hands of congratulation with their rivals.. and left with the poise and pride they came in with.. i recall someone mentioning to him that he/she thought their ideas were better.. but he replied with a smile that the judges liked the other better and that was all that mattered..
maybe i digress.. but my point is really abt competition in a 'civilised' manner.. i was spurred to write this due to the recent developments of the NUS Blogfest.. and i was actually rather upset when my friend told me abt certain fellow rivals criticising her blog.. (i thought it was usually the fans doing the criticising of their idol's rivals anyway) my first impulse was to tag something nasty on that guy's tagboard.. but i realised i would be compromising my principles doing that.. it took me a while to cool it though..
it is not difficult to guess who 'my friend' is if u're one of the culprits or juz pple following this whole competition.. i'm not talking abt quality of blogs here.. you may have a 'better blog' in ur own view (though this is really subjective) but i really don't care.. for once we agree.. i've no intention of knowing who u are.. but on the contrary to what u tried to disclaim, i am talking beyond blog aesthetics now..
my anger turned into great disappointment when i realised that there are university students who actually think that competition is abt 'bitching and backstabbing ur rivals'.. i remember doing that when i was a kid but i grew out of that a long time ago.. hmm perhaps i should attribute it to the little the amount of free time i have on hand comparatively..
forgive me.. but i have to totally diagree and i can assure you that anybody who understands sportsmanship will agree with me.. you are entitled to your own points of view as i am entitled to mine.. but no i have no intention of criticising ur blog as u have criticised my fren's.. because i believe in respecting people, their work and their way of expressing themselves.. even to those who do not share my beliefs..
i don't think it is for anyone to judge any other person's blog because by doing so, u're judging the person who expresses him/herself the way he/she thinks he/she is best represented by.. (by the way one of the best blogs i've seen use java script to partition the different parts of the blog) it is no fault of hers that her blog 'happened' to be chosen for the top 10 finalist and 'happened' to be leading at the start.. call it popularity if u have to.. but this is the way it is.. and that does not mean it makes the blog or the person open to criticism, esp bad ones..
i'm not saying that u are not entitled to ur points of view abt it.. i'm saying that for goodness sake don't write it somewhere u noe the person will see it.. unless of course u had that intention from the very start.. (a classic example of freedom of speech i would say.. perhaps that's why i've never been a fan of excessive freedom) then i can only congratulate u for wadever u get out of putting down another(more votes or juz making the person feel sad abt it such that u feel better).. but i have to remind you that u are doing it at the expense of another.. by neglecting the one thing that makes us human - our feelings..
i really hate to be putting this up on my blog i meant to write abt my life and beautiful memories.. but i think someone has to remind people abt the essence in the true spirit of competition.. and the true meaning of blogging.. if one cannot understand and respect that, then i think the title of 'best blog' means nothing more than just the money u get out of it.. and if this title can be tagged with a price, it is worth nothing at all..
back to the old school
I meant to write this entry yesterday.. but my com juz died on me while i was typing halfway.. oh well it's a belated entry about a past event anyway..
I went back to RJC 3 days ago.. yes it was the day of the release of the 'A' Level results.. it really reminded me about how time passes so quickly.. i can still vividly remember that time we were still working at iras and we went back to collect our results.. how panicky and excited we all were.. and then i realised it was already 1 year ago..
I was there to show my presence and give out flyers to promote the school.. but frankly my main purpose was to go back to visit my teachers I haven't met for a long period of time, perhaps too long.. I was really glad i managed to fulfill both objectives..
When i first stepped into the school it didn't really feel very familiar.. considering that we've never studied there before it was natural.. but i was excited.. maybe it felt a little like 'returning with honour' type of feeling.. after asking for directions to the hall, we managed to finally find our 'booth' where we were supposed to be stationed at giving out the flyers.. Overhearing conversations on the way was highly interesting.. and the sense of familiarity kicked in immediately.. stuff like i've got 4As and 2Ds etc. were not uncommon.. as usual, best results for the 25th year running.. (and still counting) with 56% 4As and 74% 3As and above.. for one not getting at least 4As has become a minority instead.. i felt totally at home then, totally knowing how it feels in that environment so competitive and intellectual yet enjoyable, totally glad to know that rj has stayed as it always had..
We met up with some high profile bizaders who were ex rjc students there too.. i knew them before hand actually and vice versa through the case competition.. i totally enjoyed myself chatting with them about school and studies (biz and rj and teachers etc.) while giving out flyers.. inspirational again i guess.. and of course in the meantime i was searching around for my teachers as well..
I saw Mrs Lim first.. she actually thought i was a current graduate back to collect my results.. haha.. coz prob she found me familiar but couldn't really recall which year i was in.. but i think being able to recognise me was commendable enough.. then i met Ms Lui :) it was great chatting with her and then Mrs Lim came to join in the conversation.. after figuring out when i graudated we then i started talking abt math based economics in university.. very apt topic for them both indeed..
I realised that Mr Chan was not directly involved with this batch of students, so I contacted him and happily realised he was in the staff room.. after most of the excitement in the hall was almost over, we left for the staff room.. and on the way i dramatically met Ms Yeo. I was in the lift while she was about to enter, and when she saw me she was so shocked she juz stood there for a minute and only responded when the lift door was about to close.. it was hilarious.. and she too thought that i was a new graduate back to collect results.. though she did figure out rather quickly i was from 6f..
It was really glad to see Mr Chan after a year.. same old Mr Chan concerned about my life and all.. i was quite surprised that he kept the pamphlet featuring me and i was really touched.. while he continued on about me better not forgetting him when i'm rich and famous.. talking about life and decisions in life was good and i was glad that i could be honest with him abt my life which i know he understands.. this time it was different perhaps because i see him less like a tutor but more like a friend.. i did talk a lot more crap about when he's getting married and all while he wanted me to update him abt my love life.. haha.. and talking about his 'drama' while trying to act angry and upset with us about not doing well for the chem paper.. (now we know it's all an act!)
back to the old school felt like home.. and i knew i had the rafflesian spirit in me as it would always be.. and i was glad to realise that many others actually understand the culture difference between rj and biz.. a feeling i never could put in words to explain properly.. it can only be felt by those who personally experience it..
