major obsession
a promise not only to a fren but also to myself.. i broke it today.. tried to withhold it but failed miserably half a day later..i have immersed myself into a major obsession.. uncontrollably and scarily open about it lately.. i accounted for it through the mental exhaustion which stompAIDS has caused me, consequently my tiredness of hiding my emotions and doing the little things which make me happy..
when did it start getting so serious I do not noe.. perhaps from the very start it began this way.. nonetheless lately I have allowed myself to enter a major state of crush.. rattling on for more than an hour to my old frens abt it.. found out that perhaps everyone goes through that stage of life coz they seem to understand the weirdest things that may happen.. crush is beautiful.. but awkward as well..
always finding the slightest reason to msg.. the slightest reason to draw a relationship, slightest reason to get involved.. always looking out the favourite haunts, the places we have met, the logical places to find.. yet never approaching but always looking, watching, contemplating.. highest record is walking past 5 times without saying hi at the same place.. looking at the name but never intiating a conversation.. having spies around giving me alerts but never did more than messing up my thoughts being happy and sad.. thinking hard about every word i use but becoming down when there is no reply.. trying not to be obvious in every action i do but always failing to do so..
yet being so happy that there is fate.. conversation.. concern.. that meeting up could be any moment, that talking could be so simple, that doing things for the wrong reason could be so instinctive.. talking and listening about it is so enjoyable.. the amusing story at the event.. i smile and laugh at the thot and imagination of it, of words and msgs.. memorising it all..
was touched by the simple words which seemed like i was reading more into it than i was supposed to.. was truthful abt it which prob made things obvious.. but i couldn't care less amongst the pressure.. was vulnerable and depressed at that moment.. but it gave me strength and kept my spirits high.. nothing could get to me that day coz of the words that night..
stompAIDS ended yesterday.. I told myself that so will the major obsession.. but i couldn't help but thot abt it and msged.. kept asking myself why i should put a stop to sth which makes me so happy.. but i noe it's getting way out of my control.. insecure as i am.. i will try to take it back.. yet i'm half minded on succeeding..
rebec inspired @ 9:42 PM
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