breaking free
one of my bday presents from my dearest MYJARS.. the theme of breaking free was really apt.. 21st as breaking into freedom..
recently i finally broke free by completing the first season.. haha.. no longer in need to put time aside to finish up the suspense filled episode.. but always looking forward to upcoming season 2! those we have not watched it.. it's a must watch really! :)
breaking free from more than that? mixed feelings.. but i'm perhaps achieving it soon..
the voodoo superstition
the voodoo doll was in fashion for a while.. more for its decorative nature rather than its religious reasons.. i was in possession of one of those as a gift from a fren.. and out of superstition, i wanted to keep it on my phone as a lucky charm for the 2 impt results that were to be released during the week.. juz out of the simple hope that it would perhaps bring me some luck, i realised that one out of the 2 wands it was holding on to went missing the day before the release of the results..
never really thinking that the wands signified anything, i started to get paranoid that it might be a sign.. owing to my great imagination.. the star was gone, the heart remains.. what did that mean? the good news was that i had only a span of one day to worry before the conclusions were delivered..
the first moment of truth came.. no matter how prepared one was to lose, the story is different when the moment strikes.. i would be lying if i said it didn't demoralise us.. or it didn't matter.. i was perhaps the only one who really showed it.. but i believe it affected the rest no less than it did to me.. while we all tried to encourage each other to pick ourselves up and look at what we have gained, i came to realise that what we have gained were all in front of us.. of course, we never regretted any one idea we proposed.. and any one idea that was brought to reality..
the sky was crying hard.. i was thinking a lot that day.. about the process.. abt my reaction.. i realised how much i hated to lose only then.. i prob talked the day away.. to all we bothered to listen.. i stared at my voodoo doll.. and knew it was all my superstition at work.. the reality lies as the reality.. and no amount of voodoo dolls will do the job..
didn't noe wad to feel with a brain and body that's extremely tired, i coincidentally chanced upon the release my the other result from the person himself.. and this time.. it was a result of favourable nature.. i stared at my voodoo doll again, looked at the wands remaining, and started to wonder about superstition..
perhaps a purely coincidental result.. and when humans draw their own interpretations to find the relationship out of imagination, that idea is powerful.. well for me, i took off the voodoo doll immediately and kept it in my drawer.. at least i could stay away from accounting every other event to the 50% lucky charm..
a new chapter
time waits for no one.. and as the number game called age reaches 21, a new chapter of life with independence, freedom, yet responsibilities await.. however i'm glad to have those around me, my friends and loved ones, to witness and walk with me the last day of my 20th and the first of my 21st.. ur presence is my best present! contrary to what many might guess, this statement is not dedicated to one, but to all who have played a part in my life.. for once, let pictures speak the thousand words of gratefulness, love and friendship :)
the beautiful RGS'02 girls! (MYJARS inclusive of course)
the RJC'04 class photo look alike (notice the colour coordination!)
the pretty bizad girls..
and the fantastic bizad guys..
and greatest bizad elders!
of course my dearest bestest brother :)
the game of chance..
it's not fun.. trust me..
when fate is not in ur hands.. u can only anticipate.. and anticipation is the prolonged apprehension, agony and anxiousness.. u cannot ask why or how or who.. u can only wait..
so close yet so far.. like one fren said.. it's somewhat like a business cycle.. the ups and downs.. the highs and lows.. the excitement and depression.. have u experienced what u believe is already within grasp slipping through ur fingers, and it was something u couldn't want more.. the last chances lost, and worse of all.. it is no one's fault.. there's no one to blame, there's no reason why..
like another fren asked me.. wad is hindering u? i thought abt that.. and nothing was my answer.. i believe in the works of fate.. and i was convinced that fate asked me to let it go.. yet when it plays tricks on me again.. i'm confused.. i was prepared to start afresh.. to normalise things.. i thot i recovered.. i could put things in perspective now.. i was wrong.. in fact.. i believe it has juz gotten worse.. i lost my ability to speak or act or concentrate.. it reminded me of the first encounter..
and yet the works of fate is wad i have to thank.. to think that less than a year ago it was so different.. and yet today the situation is as such.. so close i wad i can say now.. but not close enough.. no one made the special efforts to arrange anything.. the chances juz came along.. yet no one knew how to grasp those opportunities.. and then they keep coming along.. when i finally decide to do sth, the game of chance is played.. tell me now.. how do i feel.. or wad do i do?
pray is wad my other fren told me.. she mentioned that this is the time to turn to religion.. the joke like tone i took notice.. but the words did cross my mind.. my answer: i already started praying yesterday..
but another fren pointed out a very interesting point: how do u play the game when it is not on the market or the playing field? ur task is not to win the game.. it is to make the game on the market and the playing field first.. and that is the hardest part.. yes i noe it's daunting.. actually i'm not asking for anything.. i'm juz upset with myself that i hardly noe how the game works.. and worse.. i dunno how to get myself out of the game and stop doing anything.. when will it ever be on the playing field? hmm i really really wonder..
yet before the anticlimax ending.. my fren wrote on his paper during class to represent an msn conversation..
[fren] : juz do it with him la
rebec, be inspired~ :
i did not write to continue the conversation.. because i realised instantly.. the answer was already there..
subtle hints, aplenty opportunities.. obvious to many oblivious to one.. passively.. leaving it to the game of chance.. again.. i hope no more.. and remind myself of contentment..
missing
opportunity: lost because my conscience told me to do the right thing. so does 2 rights make a wrong now? for the sake of integrity and accountability, i put myself in trouble that made me upset.. the price to pay for honesty and morality.. tell me i'm right..
encounter: depressing jealously at first, yet still happy at every subsequent thought of the subject in question.. as it always should have been.. the dormant mentality, alive again..
organisation: in a state of loss, trying to bring back the order needed.. how prepared am i now? less than i wished i were..
contentment: so quickly, the thankfulness is forgotten. contentment is not as easy to achieve as the preacher can understand. often the pesimmism sets in, and the big picture, lost..
moments: immersed in spurts of rekindled emotions.. lost in thoughts, lost in feelings, then woken up to reality. those in the past might have been more than infatuations.. but i never had the courage, and missed the blessings of time..
before semester starts..
five minutes before cors bidding round 2c ends.. haha i've been refreshing the page continuously to make sure all is as predicted.. well this time cors has been good to me.. i've eyed on the popular mods this sem and gone all out to pay high prices (or points) for it.. perhaps that's the reason for the decreasing demand towards the end, coz the points are way too high.. haha..
so yes i've been doing showhands.. my programme account was at 0 points after round 2a.. luckily i was refunded some points for being too kaisu.. but yea not too many points actually.. and now my general account is at 0 points too.. and finally round 2c has ended.. :)
the weekend before sem starts.. ah well things to look forward to for the sem:
1. jap! which had been something i so wanted to take on since 1.5 years ago.. braving 7 hrs per week of lessons that is
2. gen bio! something i always wanted to take too.. i have something for bio i guess..
3. good project mates.. hopefully not only dependent on the random chance of fate..
4. lesser school activities, more mugging and social life time.. haha.. yes i mean it.. the aftereffects of too many obligations last semesters..
5. joining competitions with the determination to win.. not only for the sake of competitions and then putting in half efforts
6. involvement in case-related activities! always my interest for reasons i do not know.. :)
7. company.. the first sem ever that all lessons are accompanied..
8. and of course.. ruling the world with bro haha :)
oh well.. all has sort of quietened down.. as it should.. while i try to clear my desk of presents from and to people, i realise my bday is coming.. i don't wanna grow up! but i've got my expensive presents though hehe.. a digi cam.. always wad i wanted.. Cybershot DSC T10! the newest Ipod! with video 80GB i din even noe it existed.. and a Swaovski crystal heart keychain! haha ok yes i noe i've gotta plan something really soon.. so that's on my list now.. my yahct idea sort of got thrown out of the window.. haha.. yes i was thinking of renting a yacht.. hmm suddenly chalet seems rather attractive again.. solves lots of problems.. we'll see..
i was juz offered nyu for sep! so exciting! haha but next on my list is to accept or reject.. i noe i eventually would but juz wanna confirm with myself and let it sink in after a couple of days.. there's the new bba(acc) programme which i should decide soon whether i should seek for a transfer to that.. ahh.. so many decisions..
so soon.. a whole new year begins.. school's starting again.. frens leaving for exchange.. the whole cycle begins noeing this sem is impt to me.. result chase.. panic, fear and stress.. will there be so much luck and love? i can only hope now..
nature's beauty
"nature's beauty is in its ability to provide.. it is not difficult to make a living if people could understand that.." this was one of the statements made by our cambodian tour guide which got me pondering..
as i embarked on a most unlikely holiday to Cambodia and Vietnam, perhaps few could understand that those could be vacation spots rather than community service locations.. incidentally, i felt rather guilty perhaps, that another group of frens from school were there during the same period of time doing good for the people there, while i do good by boosting the economy and living like a princess at the same time.. beautiful hotel, excellent service, flexibility and freedom in touring because we were on a private tour.. As I felt the culture of the country and the relaxing atmosphere at the hotel, I was somehow blocked from the poverty of the people except for the occasional basking and selling.. perhaps it struck me when we left the tourist attraction, magnificent World Heritage Ang Kor Wat, and went to the floating villages which housed the poorest of the population.. I then came to realise how fortunate everyone in Singapore was.. and esp how fortunate I was..
and yet as our hearts pour out to those innocent children in wooden stlit houses we could hardly call homes, those seemingly cruel words were spoken.. as i try to put away the emotional aspect and try to understand in a rational manner, i look at the unmoved figure towards the sights which seem so pitiful to us.. Clad in a simple shirt and jeans i'd hardly call worn by the wealthy, holding a set of newspaper held in one hand, i was trying to decide the truth in his skeptical or unfeeling perspective.. Perhaps he was born in a simliar environment.. or perhaps he knew so much more to be able to make such judgement.. If he were right, dependence on tourism and international aid becomes a reason for poverty in the country.. to make things sound even more distorted, monetary aid out of the goodwill to the many beggers in the country had caused the viscious cycle of poverty to continue..
however, are we able to judge now? when we live in comfort.. when we have clean water, food, proper shelter, education.. good paying jobs.. opportunities to travel.. even him.. one in the country, noeing the politics, noeing the lives of the people.. could he judge when he is able to recieve education, read and write, learn english, get a job.. i really dunno.. but i believe in the truth of his words about the importance of education, and the beauty of nature..
