major obsession
a promise not only to a fren but also to myself.. i broke it today.. tried to withhold it but failed miserably half a day later..
i have immersed myself into a major obsession.. uncontrollably and scarily open about it lately.. i accounted for it through the mental exhaustion which stompAIDS has caused me, consequently my tiredness of hiding my emotions and doing the little things which make me happy..
when did it start getting so serious I do not noe.. perhaps from the very start it began this way.. nonetheless lately I have allowed myself to enter a major state of crush.. rattling on for more than an hour to my old frens abt it.. found out that perhaps everyone goes through that stage of life coz they seem to understand the weirdest things that may happen.. crush is beautiful.. but awkward as well..
always finding the slightest reason to msg.. the slightest reason to draw a relationship, slightest reason to get involved.. always looking out the favourite haunts, the places we have met, the logical places to find.. yet never approaching but always looking, watching, contemplating.. highest record is walking past 5 times without saying hi at the same place.. looking at the name but never intiating a conversation.. having spies around giving me alerts but never did more than messing up my thoughts being happy and sad.. thinking hard about every word i use but becoming down when there is no reply.. trying not to be obvious in every action i do but always failing to do so..
yet being so happy that there is fate.. conversation.. concern.. that meeting up could be any moment, that talking could be so simple, that doing things for the wrong reason could be so instinctive.. talking and listening about it is so enjoyable.. the amusing story at the event.. i smile and laugh at the thot and imagination of it, of words and msgs.. memorising it all..
was touched by the simple words which seemed like i was reading more into it than i was supposed to.. was truthful abt it which prob made things obvious.. but i couldn't care less amongst the pressure.. was vulnerable and depressed at that moment.. but it gave me strength and kept my spirits high.. nothing could get to me that day coz of the words that night..
stompAIDS ended yesterday.. I told myself that so will the major obsession.. but i couldn't help but thot abt it and msged.. kept asking myself why i should put a stop to sth which makes me so happy.. but i noe it's getting way out of my control.. insecure as i am.. i will try to take it back.. yet i'm half minded on succeeding..
stomped
stomp, stomping, stomped.. by the sheer pain of organising stompaids.. i've been using perhaps a greater amount of vulgarities for the past week as compared to the rest of my life.. i've been through the most ups and downs and owing the most favours in my entire life.. i've been involved in mood swings and distractions that i can have nightmares abt it, lose sleep over it, lose temper over it, lose concentration at work, and worse of all, lose confidence in myself..
today had been a bad day.. for no rhyme or reason.. i'm just reluctant to do anything.. no idea what's gotten into me.. i'm just tired of stomping.. tired of fire fighting and trying to be nice when others are at fault.. tired of pple being optimistic.. tired of doing things that i hate doing.. yet i know i can't stop there.. because 6 more pple's, and the many others out there who are doing this out of pure favour, hard work is at stake.. it's been dragging too long i guess.. taking up too much time.. eating up everyone's patience.. slow and torturous..
i start to ponder over wad my reactions mean.. i thot hard.. i never really got an answer.. instead learnt that i should not have brought my troubles back home.. well i seldom do feel upset like that.. but this is the 2nd time i've felt this way coz of stompaids.. perhaps then it is as he writes.. that u either become frens forever or u start to hate each other because of differences.. well well.. but then again he tells me.. that with a fighting spirit such as mine, i will not go down so easily.. i know i will persevere on.. i will fight on with the spirit he speaks of that i know is within me..
feeling like full time stompaids and part time student.. yet striving on
high and low...
today's been a super eventful day.. eventful as in busy, frantic, hectic, wadever.. juz emotional highs and lows la..
haha waking me up at 7 plus means that it's not a very good start to the day.. very suprisingly i was on time for the osa meeting for stompaids.. thot we could settle lots of stuff one shot today at the meeting.. in terms of the location.. in the end i guess we were at a losing end in that we noe there really isn't anything much they could help in terms to pushing other activities backwards juz to get the location for us for that day.. thot it was their fault in not fulfilling their promise of blocking out the area, but in the end.... well i guess it was ours.. totally felt like it's just something out there stopping us from winning this thing.. coz previously i got really upset about our poor relationship with the organisers of stompaids.. well well.. i remember the 4 of us sitting outside osa trying to meditate and think of how to fire fight.... it's always the small little things we assume is correct ending up causing some huge problems.. but i'm glad we went asap coz it really puts us out of the assumptions and back on the ground to solve the problem.. not entirely resolved but i guess there are ways la...
went back home after we went to macs west coast for breakfast.. did a bit of work, then decided to go home to slp before our meeting with the organisers.. ok this time was my fault.. coz i was really lazy to leave home early.. in the end i frantically left home at 2.35pm thinking that i may be able to reach at 3pm, not knowing that the way i thot of how to go there was really the long roundabout way.. in the end i was panicking.. trying to find out the directions while contacting others we might be there early.. in the end everyone else seems later then me... so i really really panicked coz i din want to worsen our relationship with them by being late for their meeting.. in the end i reached hpb slightly later than 3, but realised i din noe exactly where it was.. after much phone calls, we realised we were at the wrong place.. miscomm yet again!!! ahhh... i was very upset, decided to just stay there till the other meeting at 4 @ hpb.. heh in the end i think they thot it was their mistake.. so not so bad.. :)
did a bit of networking with hpb pple, decided to sit in the room to wait till the meeting at 4pm.. realised a lot of good news in terms of sponsorship.. decided that this is a good day afterall.. and then the talk started abt the media release on monday and all.. and then while my spirits were quite high, we got some feedback abt our presentation and posters being too dramatic/controversial respectively.. i dunno wad effect it had on the rest, i was really quite saddened and demoralised.. and when i thot that it was gonna end as a bad day...
good news came.. and this is individual good news which is keeping my spirits up once more.. received a message from my fren saying that i got full marks!!! haha.. ok i noe it's a bit cocky but i'm juz happy abt it.. but afraid of the pressure i'm gonna put on myself and the expectations from my peers.. i guess many pple start to help me check my results coz they can remember my matric no... this is the second time this sem i didn't check my own results.. ohoh and another better news is... i'm richer!!!!!! yay.. haha.. got the study award from business school.. not too sure how much it is.. but yey! the money will come in next sem i think.. but i guess it's the prestige also... :)
was thinking abt the case club proposal i received.. was thinking of the different ways in which in can be done.. but it really got me thinking quite a bit last week.. on top of the many things i have to think abt.. but juz glad that my mid terms are all over.. everything is still so abstract in my mind abt the idea.. and i really feel quite lost without big bro in school.. really missed him that day.. but i got to noe some stuff that i'm happy to noe through this case club proposal.. haha though i really find it shocking.. but still.. very honoured and flattered.. glad that i've got really good seniors around and of course my big bro to ask.. still in the loop.. but after realising that they only offer year 3s the opportunity for external case, maybe the selections itself will let them do sth about getting their own training or wadever... put on hold... though i have my own reasons why i want it to go on..
a bit tired of doing stuff.. well there are really times i hope to juz sit down in the library everyday doing my school work.. instead of running around all the time tied up with activities.. but then again is this wad uni is abt? keeping urself busy and active.. my goal for next year is clear already.. i'll take part in most of the competitions which are offered to us.. as in the big names la.. juz wanna gain experience and presentation skills.. :)
lived lucky
the summary for the past week is just the title of this post.. loved by lady luck for all the mid terms.. and living through the past week.. it's been one of my most intense weeks since the start of uni i think.. felt like i was studying for one of my major examinations, de jevu from my past career.. it's just coz of the frequency and the lack of time that made things so..
taking on so much kept my mid term break occupied.. not with studies but with other things that are so interesting yet time-consuming.. in the end i stressed myself out for all the tests in line.. yet shone upon me was the undeniable luck which made life so much easier than expected.. with a pool of past year papers, a website link passed to me out of goodwill, and of course the correct emphasis on studies.. i got lucky in most if not all of my tests.. working hard never felt so good when the effort receives the proportional results.. :)
scoring full marks felt like breaking the system.. haha.. perhaps it runs in the family yar.. with my bro topping the level for this same subject.. i'm just working hard to acheive something this sem.. so that i can go for commencement dinner the next year.. hahaha.. super funny reason i noe.. but it's juz me.. nonetheless i thot that shouldn't belong to me.. coz frankly i still don't entirely understand the whole subject.. and i din put in as much effort as some others i noe..
well.. juz a breather once again.. still glad that i s/ued my gem module.. so i don't have to slog away for the essay now.. juz put in minimal effort to come up with a 2000 word essay not worrying too much abt the grade.. haha.. first time in my life i tell pple that i will try to score something low enough for minimal effort but high enough to pass.. that's not too easy actually.. :)
