::Inspiration::

a closure

as i go through yet another motion of exams and answering the countless questions in front of me every 9am in that exam hall.. i start formulating my own questions now that all is done.. or technically all that mattered..

this semester hasn't been the best for me in terms of exams.. i recall walking out of the exam hall paper after paper feeling good abt it for my past modules.. feeling like it was an A or A+ paper.. this time.. i can only shake my head everytime i walk out.. feeling like i've failed myself or failed some sort of expectation tt i din manage to excel as much as i wanted..

it din start off too well.. though it seemed as if i've worked so hard to noe every nitty gritty detail there is to noe.. it was not enough.. exams to test not only knowledge, application, as well as time management.. i faltered.. maybe it was because i was truly taken aback by my very first paper... never in my life have i felt so helpless after an exam.. that was what happened to me the very first day after so long tt i stepped into mpsh for exams once more..

although i've seemed to have gotten everything in the right place before i embarked.. i've even gotten his good luck and warm words.. nonetheless my promise to do my best was broken.. interestingly i found myself of greatest focus this semester.. the motivation is of utmost concentration after the period of endless distraction and confusion.. the drive to achieve my silly secret wishes.. the constant reminder that i've lagged so much behind because of the activities i've undertaken during the semester..

the first time i actually got so tired of chasing after results.. some thing i realised i've done all my life.. of living up to expectations.. of putting the immense pressure on myself to excel.. is it pointless now? it is far beyond the expectations of frens, family or even him.. it's self expectations which are the most powerful.. and the most demanding.. my life before uni had been so much simpler and within stride.. because i knew my limits and i do not push beyond.. because i was contented with myself doing my best.. becuase i knew i'd go mad if i ever tried to compare amongst my peers.. because i was within a school i could only be average and i knew so well that i could only be so..

nonetheless the taste of success and respect as one of the high flyers in uni now is one which is so delightful that i wish to sustain.. for the reputation that seemed to come rather easily and smoothly.. it took me long to understand and admit that these were the aftereffects of desiring that the image will live on.. that my name could be close to his.. (though "legend" is irreplaceable and i definitely am far from that highly regarded name..) because everything seemed so much in reach.. that no allowance for mistakes were given.. and no room for a next time could be given.. that doing my best is insufficient and only doing THE best can be enough.. not remembering that i have limits.. i disappoint myself time and again that i could have done better for every paper.. i ponder and i bear regrets.. and i tire myself totally within this cycle of chase..

the experience was not at all pleasant.. to awaken myself to the truth that i cannot be the best around.. that i am juz who i am making little mistakes along the way.. but if this is not the time i wake up to ideas as such.. i can foresee myself in yet another viscious cycle next semester.. of graver consequences because of the greater pressure to stay within wad i've established for 3 consecutive semesters.. the break now is good.. to understand tt life is not a bed of roses is better.. and to remember that my best is always good enuff for myself because i do not have to live up to the expectations of others.. though all these seem easier said then done, the first step of realisation is yet in the process...

have i done my best within my abilities? have i studied enough? could i have achieved something better? i doubted myself after every paper.. hoping all was a dream.. hoping time could turn back and i could pre empt everything.. if i could be branded as "not studying enough", then why not think that the paper was too demanding? if i couldn't catch the little hints about the questions, why not think that the hints were on every possible topic anyway.. if i couldn't think of the simplest things on the spot, why not juz understand that i'm not the smartest person on earth who could think of every possible solution in the span of 2 hours?

someone asked me.. when do i cry? my tears fall as i am upset with myself.. that regrets exist.. that i could have handled things better.. that i could have achieved more.. as i realise that i cry because i think i've failed myself.. i also realise that my self pride has grown unexpectedly immense.. that i've in the process pressured myself so much to expect perfection.. perhaps only a few could understand.. but i've been really hard on myself lately..

so what now? twice or thrice.. is it all that important? i dunno.. i only noe it will still matter a lot to me on that faithful day.. that tears yet again will fall even if i understood all that i've preached that i knew.. it is easy to say.. to teach.. to tell others.. but it is often difficult to convince urself and put it to practice.. i noe dead well myself.. at least tears are a form of release for me...

i believe in the healing effects of time.. that time is of greatest medicinal value for the heart and the mind.. as time washes away the depression and the regrets.. i hope time will not change the gratefulness i have to the many around me during this period of time.. perhaps only during times as such that one will realise how much one is loved and how much one should be content.. to a totally understanding family.. to the warm words of reassurance (which i finally realised were juz normal words of frenship) to trust that he'll always be there for me.. to the perpetual attention during this month of endless studying.. to the little acts of concern or the words of encouragement.. to the wordless hugs which gave me strength.. how can one ever ask for more?

an unoffical closure to the semester.. i realised i've achieved quite a bit this semester.. it was frantic.. yet greatly fruitful.. to taste victory and achievement.. to do what was passion.. to touch the various aspects frenship.. to experience execution of our own ideas through stompaids.. to attract publicity attention.. to step one foot into relationships.. to practice what was love to me.. an exciting life i led yet again.. i see myself toning down a lot next semester... and my favourite sentence once again.. i will work harder! as i try to achieve my secret wishes again.. will i ever get out of the result chase? i really don't noe...

rebec inspired @ 11:34 PM Comments: 0