i was only joking
literally.. i was only joking in the last entry writing "haha who noes? we might end up in the headlines tmr!".. and well.. it wasn't a joke that funny after all.. though it was highly amusing and exciting..
woke up with loads of smses coming in telling me i ended up on the front page of the straits times.. wow.. thot i was dreaming for a while.. but the more of them i read the more real it became.. first thot: muz be very unglam.. coz yest that it was really chaotic.. lots of pple pushing to get a glimpse, a handshake or a photo.. haiya.. but finding out from my frens it wasn't that bad.. second thot: lay hands on the newspaper to have a good look.. seriously..
haha yes it's really quite exciting.. to think that i was really upset with myself that i wasted one whole day.. partly coz i was obliged to go for this.. i mean yes it's once in a lifetime to see the president of the u.s. .. but then again there really is very many other things to do and i din expect such opportunities to arise anyway.. went because it was sort of "compulsory"..
well nothing very much to be proud of other than that.. "cheap thrill" as my fren puts it before noeing that all these will end up on the front page yar.. haha but quite honoured to shake hands with him and speak with him.. i thot that was more honourable.. well the rest.. juz plain luck.. not as if i could have any say in wad goes on the front page of the straits times.. i look quite amused there though.. well actually i was coz everyone wanted their fair share of the attention from the man himself..
yeps got my fair share, or more like lion's share of the attention.. but never ever forgetting to wish him well today.. i think i muz be crazy.. lost the girl power and lost more of my so called determination.. found out he had a language exam today and i actually went to wish him well in that language thru sms.. played mysterious in his words abt my knowledge of the language or anything more.. haha coz i din want it to be too obvious though everything really is very much obvious to me already.. today is a happy day.. coz when i think of him.. it becomes more of motivation than distraction.. i think i've reached another level altogether.. :)
the president
not joking.. it's mr president george w bush we are talking abt here.. supposedly a day for mugging of my unfamiliar macroeconomics syllabus.. ended up more like a bonding session getting high over meeting one of the most powerful man in the world.. though not exactly the most popular..
basking in the heat along the queue to get to the location alone took us already 1.5 hrs.. afterwhich the security check took another half an hour or so.. finally ending up at the location.. getting some refreshments.. and the whole lot of us decided to enter the place early since we were already tired and running out of things to do.. to me.. i was hanging on to my tb.. again another day of hoping that i could study but dashed hopes in the end..
got in the arena, sat at the 2nd row towards the right side facing the stage.. the view was really good.. staring straight at the podium with almost 0 obstruction.. started getting high amongst ourselves taking photos and all.. till after a while sm goh came into the place.. hahaha.. we started waving to him and his waving as usual in the general direction.. then we started laughing and then started clapping.. yar i noe.. we are a little well.. unpro.. but then again.. it's not everyday u get to see him so close up..
soon after sm goh disappeared and reappeared from the stage.. the big guy.. mr president bush appeared on stage.. i could juz see the various big cameras snapping away incessantly.. different angles.. different positions.. seeming every word he says seemed to be under the scrutiny of so many.. yet again.. the speech was not exactly popoular amongst all of us..
but the highlight was really the time he finished his speech, walked down the stage, and started shaking hands with the pple within his reach.. at first he walked down from the left side, so i thot it was really far away.. no big deal.. not as if he's my idol or sth.. but as he started to move towards the right side, i realised that he was really nearing me and in fact at the rate he was going he would definitely reach me.. in my composure i quickly thot of something short to say to him while he shook my hand.. and indeed he gave me a firm handshake, while i said "it's an honour" and he replied "thank you", gave a smile and eye contact.. thot i was quite calm la.. haha though after that people swarming in wanting to take photos with him got a little unpro again.. really felt like some teenagers wanting to take photo with some pop star.. but i have to admit i was amongst the excited people too and ended up in a group photo with him.. the first time that besides our own camera, there were so many others snapping away.. haha who noes? we might end up on tmr's headlines? haha..
nonetheless an unexpected experience.. so different from wad i expected it to be.. not only coz of mr president.. but also coz of him.. i guess i felt awkward la.. so i sort of tried to avoid him? din want to go forward to say hi, din want to appear in front of him.. i dunno.. but i'm quite puzzled as to why he doesn't come forward to intiate something.. and he din even say bye in the end when he left.. and yes he saw me.. i'm so sure of that.. no official hi bye.. so different from wad i intially thot it would turn out.. that i would sit beside him, i would walk with him, talk with him.. during the 3 hours used for bonding.. i did nothing close.. sigh.. perhaps i wanted a photo more with him than with dear mr president.. hahaha.. but well that photo with mr president is still a consolation! :)
well i guess this is exciting enough to add one more post to my last post of the sem.. hee.. so meanwhile hopefully i can achieve my peace again to start my mugging.. sigh.. mugging.. hope he can give me strength...
last post for the sem..
literally i think this will be my last post before exams begin.. technically it doesn't take long to post an entry.. but then again there really isn't very much material to write about since the next 3 weeks or so will be intensive mugging, mugging and mugging still..
glad that i gained back my independence and my rationality.. so i'm in self control now.. looking back at the past week was an interesting experience.. but somewhat silly when i think about it now.. haha.. nonetheless i've really learnt a lot in the process.. learnt a lot from him and learnt a lot about myself.. :)
achieving my focus for the past 2 days.. taking everything in my stride.. taking everything more as a bonus.. happy with myself that i've been rather productive in mugging.. so i think i'm actually only starting full force mugging now.. hahaha.. it's always like that.. but i'm glad i'm achieving it though its a little.. well.. delayed.. hmm..
lots of extra stuff popping out of the blue.. though they are things to be happy about.. well some of them.. monday i went for a minor surgery to perform excision of a growth which has been there for like.. as long as i can remember.. it's neveus sebaceous.. hmm think i spelt it wrong but can't really be bothered to check it out.. anyway the process was interesting.. but come to think of it i think i'm quite brave.. after 2 doses of anesthetic on the area the doctor starting cutting.. and suddenly i could feel her cutting.. and then i started to panic.. asked her whether i'm supposed to be feeling anything.. and i wasn't supposed to.. hmm so there are another dose of anesthetic immediately.. haha to think i could withstand the pain of cutting my flesh.. sounds a little disgusting i noe.. so now i've got a centipede-looking wound beside of my ear with 3 stitches.. and the stitching process really felt like she was sewing.. haha..
my car died on me on the same day.. but very fortunate coz my dad was around when it happened.. haha i was so shocked when the car couldn't start! haha battery went flat.. but was really quite impressed with the service of performance motors.. from the moment we called them to the time it was repaired, it was only a little more than half an hour! very professional pple really..
received an email, or actually many emails, with regard to the invitation to UCC to listen to President Bush's remarks that he's gonna make in NUS.. hahaha.. honestly i was really quite grogy coz i juz woke up.. then saw the email and i actually thot it was a joke! haha ok i admit.. haven't really been following the news in that sense.. but actually quite honoured to be also placed in a 'strategic location'.. though that means another afternoon gone.. well guess it's one in a lifetime..
meeting up pple in this critical period.. hmm i should be feeling like every minute is very impt and should be invested in my books.. but somehow i'm more able to balance stuff.. could spare some time for old friends.. spare some time for family.. spare some time for doing the stuff that is necessary.. but the stress is nonetheless there.. very evident.. but it comes and goes during this period of time.. sometimes i start feeling extremely obliged to perfom and start panicking.. but sometimes i feel like everything is within control and planning.. well i guess this is juz wad happens la..
everyone seems to be studying really hard now.. the library's been really full lately.. and the whole world seems to be there.. glad that i found my motivation in certain pple.. glad that i sorted things out so positively.. glad that i managed to realise that i'm not in the shadow of another again.. once again to my frens.. thank you! and wishing u all the very best in exams! :)
JIAYOU!
the space and the clouds
the cloud in the sky deserves the moon the sun or the stars.. but space is oblivious to the clouds below.. no matter how much I wish for space to transcend from above to the cloud in the sky.. It is just so hard.. so unattainable.. so far away.. (prob only 3 pple will understand this.. haha..)
There was illusion of hope.. of being within reach.. but dashed almost immediately.. it was painful.. nonetheless wad doesn't kill u makes u stronger.. recounted the life story countless times.. and realised each time the delicate arrangements of fate for the paving of the direction towards space.. a slow process.. but progress always occurs during the most unexpected moments.. any one bit of disruption in the linkages will not have made things the way they are and made me the way i am today..
don't think about why the process is slow.. don't be sad that the path has stopped moving forward.. juz be grateful for everything that has ever led u in this direction in the first place.. sometimes we'd rather the path never started.. at least there wouldn't be hope and then disappointment.. but the fact that the path has brought us nearer.. is sufficient for thankfulness..
no noble love.. for it was wrong to even expect anything.. juz beautiful memories of the little encounters, remembering the little moments we shared.. and always hope to pleasantly surprise or bring a smile .. no matter how oblivious space is from above, the clouds in the sky will always be there.. forever..
conclusions
before i embark on another stage of my life at full force mugging mode.. i'll juz like to draw some conclusions after 3 days of mind tormenting experience..
1. Expectations bring about disappointment. don't expect, good things will come as surprises instead.. life will be better that way..
2. I cannot take excitement. Yesterday was truly exciting.. somehow all the guys I ever got involved with in my entire life agreed to all look for me on the same day.. That's not very many guys but still.. they got to my mind..
3. I take things really slow.. as in really really slow.. any bit of acceleration somehow upsets me because it is not within my pace.. i can't catch up..
4. I read too much into things.. too sensitive about the little things that brings me to my first point.. there's a fine line between reciprocating and intiating.. I read things so complicatedly that i think everyone else should.. I imply things after interpreting.. but I think i read it wrong..
5. I prefer frenship to a relationship. I realised that just last night in my great attempt to figure things out once and for all.. I am not ready to give up the delicate frenship for telling the truth.. I fear too much of losing everything instead.. i value the frenship too much.. the set of options are there for me now.. risk adverse as usual..
6. I am pessimistic about everything.. too afraid.. too negative.. my fren was right.. every thot should be happy.. the little things that i read into should be of optimism.. for he is supposed to be one who inspires.. forget everything else and remember that..
7. My life is interestingly dramatic.. but I realise I should be enjoying every phase of it.. even this.. glad that this is adding colour to my life.. and starting to grow up in this area of unfamiliarity..
8. Most importantly.. I have friends around me! Who can put down work to talk to me in the wee hours of the morning.. whom i can trust to offer that listening ear.. who doesn't get scared off by me getting emotional.. who understands wad i'm talking about and offers good advice.. who reminds me about points that are lost amongst my mental confusion.. who tries everything funny and turns into spies and actresses admist everything else.. who reminds me of my independence and how much proportion i should give to this.. whom I'm not afraid to talk to about everything.. grateful to all who gave me strength.. who lent a hand, a ear or a hug.. who will always always always be there for me..
achieving that peacefulness in my heart.. then realising that he should have been motivation to focus instead a source of distraction.. my promise to you might have been broken my fren.. but i'll try to keep this promise i made to myself.. and my promise to him..
remembering that i should be always inspired..
惜缘
再一次看见西装笔挺的他，仿佛有着似曾相识的感觉。。 仔细一想，半年前第一次的邂逅也竟是如此。。天正下着毛毛细雨，朦朦胧胧的我拖着疲惫不堪的身体，一直追问自己参加的理由。。似乎完全忘却那原本的动力，心中只想匆匆地结束。。
我清楚记得第一次听见他的名字的情景。。对于那将近让人敬而远之的名声，除了有些好奇，我也并无多想。。毕竟从前在学校里的无敌智者也不胜枚举。。然而，当日不知从哪儿来的一股冲劲，让我有幸目睹他那不愧称为神话的风范。。他开口说上第一句话的瞬间，我似乎可以相信他所要说的每一句话。。以那专业的神情，我发觉他不但是我当日认定的赢家，也是往后鼓励我上进的动力。。
第一次下起笔写着他，早已清楚知道他对我的无限影响。。是启发，是仰慕，是欣赏。。我唯一不敢承认的，是爱意二字。。不是因为害羞，而是不想亵渎自己对他的智慧与谦虚的单纯敬佩。。本以为将永远成为一个默默无名的支持者，完全没有再次见面的念头与准备。。但缘分安排的奇妙偶遇，让我发觉靠近他会让自己失去自我，措手不及。。可笑，然而不解的真实。。
机缘巧合，命运的怜悯安排了出其不意的良缘。。或许对他人而言，那包含的牺牲并不值得。。但对我来说，所有错失的机会仍比不上可能与他建立的友谊。。如今身份的荣升可称得上‘朋友’二字。。除了感谢，还是感谢。。时不时在他的身旁徘徊，会情不自禁地眺望他那温和安静的身影，感谢一切让我与他近在咫尺的机缘。。我一向认为人需要经历失去，才会懂得珍惜。。然而对于他，我似乎珍惜着每分每秒，因为我知道即将轻易流逝那短暂的相处时光。。
时间的残酷，在于无法挽留那片刻的美好。。但记忆的仁慈，在于能够烙印那永恒的回忆。。庆幸我还能够永远记得与他共度过的点点滴滴。。那数十次环绕工作的电邮，数十次的感谢与鼓励的简讯，数十次关心的轻声细语。。那一次共坐车中，那一次于他搭档，那一次刻意放下功课与我交谈，那两次远处眺望而由衷的微笑，那数次与他供桌吃饭，数次与他同路走在他的身旁，数次一同商讨工作，数次一起读着同样一篇文章，数次感受他努力工作的认真，数次的近距离接触。。在暗暗欣喜与感谢的同时，却又害怕情感的明显而努力地掩饰，故作潇洒。。事实上对着他，我不正视， 不多话，不央求，战战兢兢。。只有在一旁静静地欣赏。。似乎害怕一不小心，将会梦醒。。
当一切的美丽抱着一线希望之时，坐在身旁的他渐渐沉默不语。。当问起原由的时候，只有听到他轻声道来心存的感谢，低下头诚心地祈祷。。当时对我而言，犹如当头棒喝，把我从梦中敲醒。。讨厌自己的胡思乱想，望着那似乎平平无奇却又深藏不露的人物而再次由衷的尊敬。。
一切的不可能早已摆在眼前，成熟的我又怎会不了解呢？然而第一次有着不由自主的情感，这段时间身心的疲惫让自己作了许多傻事。。刻意地望着那曾经与他近在咫尺的地方，抱着可能再次相遇的希望。。努力地寻找他的踪影，却发觉见了面，不知应该说些什么。。开心看见他却又失望相见的冷淡的交错，只有把一切的感觉弄得更加复杂。。
台上台下的他判若两人，让我无法想象台上胸有成竹，大胆中带着无穷说服力的神话，却也是台下那谦虚温和，害羞中带着绅士风度的人物。。他彬彬有礼，乐于助人的性格更是我的亲身体验。。喜欢他小小关心的表示，虽然并无他意，却是这段时间给我无限力量的话语。。
很想一股冲动，把一切感觉向他坦白。。毕竟对我而言，我这段时间的主动已经是明眼人所看得清清楚楚的。。然而他对爱情的单纯，对他人的乐意帮助，或许使他无法体会我对他的特别用心。。这让我对无法捉摸他的反应而失去信心，却也发觉他的纯情也是他的可爱。。对他坦诚，让自己的烦恼一网打尽，但害怕从此成为尴尬的陌路人。。若是如此，我宁可把一切藏在心里，祝福他在感情道路上的幸福，延续我们的永恒友谊。。
第五次下起笔写着他，不知想要从中得到什么。。或许只是想要安抚自己混乱不堪的思绪，重新思量自己的情感。。
