刹那的永恒
不忍再回头多望他一眼，因为不愿再次感受那种种的尴尬。。 一切如何开始的，就让它如何地结束。。
阴错阳差，或许就是如此。。似乎是月老绑的红线，另一端早已松了，这一端却又仍然缠绕着我。。奇妙的缘分成为天意弄人，因为深知有缘无份。。曾经数次抱着极度期待却以失望收场，我遍体鳞伤，试着学习如何付出而不要求回报。。终于明白，从一开始根本就不该有所奢求。。
然而，当一直期盼的天赐良机落在眼前之时，我仍然无法抗拒之中的诱惑。。我毫不犹豫更肆无忌惮地接受，打从心里的兴奋早已无法掩饰。。颤抖，不只是因为畏惧身负的重责大任，更是因为正要达成一年多以来努力冲刺，排除万难的目标。。虽然过程出乎意料之外，但终究是梦寐以求的结果。。
傻笑。。那是我唯一能够做的。。因为那是一种言语无法形容的骄傲，像似有一股冲动，想大声告诉每一个人，那站在台上胸有成竹地献词，创造壮举的神话，是我的朋友，我的挚交。。我们不单单在课业课余一同合作过，也有荣升至相互关心与了解的知心好友。。 那是我经营许久的关系，是一份难能可贵的友谊。。心中涌现的光荣，欲言又止的字句，却因太在意他可能持有的看法而再次把一切埋在心底。。害怕失去的当而，只能静静欣赏而傻笑，擦肩而过而傻笑，目光相投而傻笑。。
如今要求的友情，或许也是一厢情愿的错误，。。太敏感了? 可能吧。。毕竟对他的反应已经不在我的掌控之下。。我因自己的羞涩而气愤，因他的冷漠而伤心，因每一次相遇的如履薄冰而放弃。。一次又一次地重复着这个游戏，我身心疲惫。。厌倦自己的懦弱，踌躇不前，若近若离，把所有的一切复杂化。。死灰复燃？他占据我心中的特别位置，因超越简单凡俗的爱情而‘无可取代’。。他对我的影响，更是远远出乎我自己所愿意承认的。。明眼人早已心里明白，了解我的朋友对我的再三否认更是心照不宣。。但我仍不以为然。。或许是当局者迷，但我宁可自欺欺人，也不想再次走进那明知需要回头的路。。
提起笔写起他已经成为一种不经意的习惯。。往事仍历历在目，但现实早已面目全非。。远处眺望着他，像似第一次相遇一样。。唯一不同的，是不再迎面而上前，而是背对而离别。。相识是一种荣幸。。这些日子的相知是一种赏赐。。如今不敢奢望友情，只不过是以开始的情境作为终结。。抵达了人生的分岔路口，以为我会自然地让所有因时间而随风消逝。。但我坚持对他的好，应该称之为细心备至还是多此一举，早已混浊不清。。
从来没有想到，两年前的那一刹那，竟会成为永恒。。
a recount
non mandarin to entertain my frens who cannot understand what I am writing about in my following post haha.. and those who can understand the language but don’t noe what I’m talking abt.. so life’s been the same for the past weeks again, with bits of happy stuff in the middle :) I can’t seem to stay awake at this moment with my eye lids getting heavy and feeling really tired.. some of fellow peers have already stopped their internships.. many will be ending really soon.. as for me.. I’ve still got another 4 weeks in line for me..
Reading continues, “The Game” I borrowed from cai abt pick up artists and the secrets behind it all.. (supposedly it’s a guy book and it’s weird to some for a girl to be reading it) and my constant supply from the library.. puzzling has stopped since I found dust collecting again on my table coz apparently no cleaning can be done with the huge item on my table.. and of course after much realization that I do not actually have much time to do it after all.. Other than that leisure time is for going out with frens which I did much of it for the past few weeks..
It’s been a fulfilling after work week since 2 weeks ago.. My spirits have been up since Thursday, except for the occasional grumpiness when I’m sleepy.. they are definitely worth mentioning..
*Thursday
“Inspirational, phenomenal, legendary.” Sounds like a book review eh? Haha it’s more a review on my attending commencement ceremony on Thursday. First clarification to prove my innocence- I did not plan it! It really came as a surprise for me.. pleasant surprise though.. my school called me up on Tuesday to ask if I could attend the ceremony to play the role of accompanying and entertaining the guest alumni speaker.. alright I’m a little guilty here coz I din think I could give up this opportunity to attend the event and play that role for more reasons than one.. and as I attempted to take leave from work coz of it it was more easier than anyone can imagine..
Being the only student weaving in and out of the VIP room with all the profs and big shots around was a great experience.. and trying to stay confident in a conversation with the VIPs was good training for me too.. I din think I did badly.. but it wasn’t fantastic either.. I felt that the time was too short to do anything more though.. I’m not a wonderful conversationalist, which makes me wonder more their choice of person.. no matter.. I got my entry to the graduation of my seniors! What more can I say.. the moments of fame and glory were totally as my review describes..
After doing my job which lasted not too long after the end of the ceremony coz big shots usually were busy people, I again won myself the opportunities to search for seniors I know to congratulate them.. I din noe too many.. but at the same time I din noe that I knew that many considering that I kept myself occupied for an hour or two.. many of whom I just bumped into and were more than happy to stop and talk with them..
*Friday
MYJARS @ Sakura buffet for Jane’s birthday celebration!!! Was a good meal with no regard for the term appetizers or desserts.. just whack haha..
My phone was running out of batt but thankfully xin offered to exchange phone with me..
Jane’s fantastically impressive directions saved me some money in traveling to Clarke quay coz I managed to take a bus instead of a cab..
Went to chill at Clarke Quay with BizAd mates after they attended commencement night.. which I wanted to go but 21st birthday celebration was more impt no matter what.. so I got a full update through that I guess.. nothing much I missed though.. I was walking along Clarke quay to find my frens when I realized the thriving night life in Singapore.. I liked it actually.. minus the loud music.. we hopped from a bar which seemed more like a club to me.. to McDonalds hahaha.. such an unlikely place to be in clarke quay.. but I believe many of us appreciated the environment favourable for conversation..
*Saturday
Walking along Singapore river during the early morning to get to a car to get me a lift back home.. When I reached home, turned on my computer to check my email, and I realized that housing in NYU is allowing me to stay on campus!!! So finally I have accommodation which I have been searching so hard for and got upset over so many times.. I finally resolved this whole problem and can put this huge issue aside.. at least I’m not guilty when I go out at night now on the basis that I should be staying home to settle my accommodation asap.. logistics came in from NYU which further gave me a grasp of what’s going on which made me feel a lot more secure..
Enjoyed the luxury of sleeping at 3am and waking up at 11am :) I missed my weekly dose of exercise.. yes so I have a serious feeling that I’ve just grown so much fatter.. and unhealthier..
Went shopping thereafter for presents.. thankful for the company! I realized this week is the week of many birthdays for VIPs in my circle of trust.. a happy thing though sometimes mind boggling.. no matter.. I had 1 present settled and 2 presents in mind.. well the 4th.. I need a wish list haha..
*Sunday
Slept till 11 plus, went to lunch at my clubhouse followed by the movie Blood Diamond.. yes if u don’t realize it’s actually a rather old movie already.. well it’s just up for screening in my clubhouse for free.. was a good movie.. though it was rather depressing.. reminds me of Hotel Rwanda.. and makes me think abt the source of all the beautiful things in the world.. diamonds?
Went shopping for present again after that hahaha.. thankful for the company once again! I probably learnt more abt ties then I ever did for the last 21 years.. it was hard to choose.. but I’m happy with what I got in the end.. it looked classy, young, stylish yet not flashy.. haha ok it was consensus that the choice was good.. and the service was good and the packaging was more than I could ask for.. now for the present presentation part hahaha.. which I haven’t quite figured out..
WIMBLEDON finals!!!! Oh well I’m guilty.. for having little faith in the Great Roger Federer.. sigh but it’s really coz I care so much that I couldn’t bear to see him lose.. and I really thought he would lose given his track record at playing 5 setters.. and he was really struggling so hard that I was at the edge of my seat.. so nervous for him.. it’s weird how I can be so animated while watching a tennis match.. any sort of match of a competitive nature in fact.. of course I knew that he held most dear the Wimbledon title so that added to the adrenaline.. well maybe as we all say.. he’d prob lose if I’d watched.. so I’m glad to give up watching if it gave him the championship title :)
While I turned off the tv after the his apparent loss at the 4th set, I tried to sleep but to no avail. But I refused to wake up and turn on the tv to watch because I refuse to watch him beaten.. not long after though I was awakened to the pleasant fact that federer won!!! :) ok I think he was really lucky and it was good choice not watching considering how close it was.. though the scoreline seems to imply otherwise.. but I heard the 5 setter made federer a person we have never seen before.. losing his cool and showing his emotions.. I would have wanted to see that though his composure had been one of the traits I admired so much.. well after that I thot I could sleep in peace.. but it was too much excitement that I couldn’t get to sleep again..
*Monday
Suffered from severe lack of sleep, had a rather tough time at work trying to stay awake.. went for dinner with uni frens.. realized that gst was compounded onto service charge.. so technically the addition is more than 2%.. and I never realized that till I was doing the computation to split the bill and a fren told me.. maybe that’s coz I’m usually not the person doing the computation hahaha.. realized that everyone there would be going on exchange except a senior the rest happened to bump into and invite to join us for dinner.. and it’s really quite soon.. a month plus?? I’m not sure if I’m prepared for it..
*Tuesday
I’m in serious need of shopping and kbox.. and I’m writing this during work..
