in the midst
i'm in the midst of my exams.. i don't think many can tell when they see me though haha.. i sleep more than 8 hrs every night.. go out for lunches, stay home to watch lost..
yea i was a super addict for a while on lost.. always didn't want to watch it because i was really scared of the monsters that might jump out in the jungle.. to be honest the first season really did freak me out a little but not enough to stop me from continuing on.. there were too many mysteries unsolved that i just couldn't let it go.. and it amazes me how people actually think of such imaginative stories.. well i finished the first season in 4 days.. and realised that i should stop watching it so intensively.. so after the 6th day of averaging 6 episodes per day, i slowed down my pace and decided that i should start studying.. forcing myself in the national library was really really helpful.. because i deceive myself by bringing my laptop to tell myself that i have access to the show, but i know that the connection is bad enough to make me unable to watch it.. so i am proud of myself now that i'm averaging only 2 episodes or less per day :) well it's also coz season 2 is not as interesting.. because the mysteries stay mysteries and lesser new ones come up.. so techincally i'm off the hook :)
had a good lunch with friends today at chatterbox.. suddenly i feel atas haha.. but i think this is the feeling i'm going to get more and more as friends start working and earning their own money.. haha well i do like that feeling very much :) didn't know that they moved chatterbox upstairs to 38th level of mandarin hotel.. chicken rice tasted the same.. still as good.. the view was not bad but the company was better haha.. just that i have never felt so single before.. really.. well i was sort of an extended lunch so we ended it later than i scheduled.. yea i did schedule timing for it coz i was supposedly running an exam schedule (haha sounds like NYU shuttle buses)..
and my afternoon schedule consisted of....... underwater world! haha a totally out of the world thing to do.. but it was because my free ticket expires today! and i decided that i have not gone there for decades and why not make a trip there to spend my afternoon with fishes and sharks.. not forgetting that i'm there "studying" for my module.. haha.. so take natural heritage of singapore if u want a free ticket to underwater world.. well it did entertain me for a while.. for maybe i am easily entertained.. but yea i enjoyed my time there.. there are touch pools where u can touch the fishes, there are exhibits of very interesting marine life in little acrylic containers.. there was of course the long tunnel with all the underwater animals swimming around.. my favourite place was the rays of fun place where there was a pool full of stingrays and you can feed them.. and they are not small animals.. but i love the way they look and swim, with the other yellow fishes with them.. of course the very cute dugong.. and the most amazing animals are the leafy seadragon and the velcro crab.. they are the epitome of mimicry..
what was more interesting was the feeling of going to a singapore tourist attraction.. i was immersed in many groups of interested tourists from all over the world.. minus the fact that they might be thinking i was a weird person taking notes in this place haha.. honestly i did feel out of place but if i didn't do it i would think i had wasted my time coz i would learn more than be entertained more there.. haha.. but yea after traveling so many places over the world going to so many tourist attractions, i realised i haven't really the inkling abt singapore's own attractions.. i haven't been to the bird park or the zoo since i was in primary school.. walking through the souvenier shop was sooo weird really.. but i couldn't help but look at the types of things that they sold as a representative of singapore.. and laugh.. maybe locals in other countries laugh at us when we buy things as tourist over there too.. who knows?
hypocrites
i hate hypocrites.
but i am turning into one.
i will start hating myself very soon.
east and west
i would say that i grew up in a traditional asian family, but have been constantly exposed to western ways which singapore had been adopting over the years.. a question suddenly occured to me -- is my culture and ideology more east or west?
it arose when i went out on a family dinner with an uncle whom i knew since childhood.. i give him a lot of respect because of his seniority in age over me, as we are taught in asian cultures.. this includes speaking with courtesy, standing up when you meet the person, addressing him immediately when he is present, accepting a toast with both hands, offering the toast first, showing face when bidding farewell, offering to help in anything if necessary, walking behind like a younger generation should.. it is almost second nature to me because i was brought up this way.. and i never really questioned it..
however, there were 3 instances that night which made me uncomfortable and kept me thinking.. once was when we first arrived and he opened the lift door and signaled for me to walk first, meaning that i was walking in front of him the whole way to the restaurant.. i had no idea why i felt weird, but i slowed my footsteps to make sure that i at least walked in parallel to him at the same pace.. it seemed like a given for guys of our age to do that to pass off as what we call "gentlemen", but for someone a generation older doing that just didn't feel right to me.. the second encounter was when my parent's friends came along during dinner and came around shaking hands.. i sat in my seat for a while, contemplating if i was supposed to stand up.. i remember a social ettiquete course teaching that if it is a guy shaking hands and you are a lady, you do not need up stand up to shake hands with him no matter his age.. but i didn't hesitate for long and decided to stand up to address him because i felt so disrespectful sitting in my seat.. the last incident was when we were at the car in which my uncle opened the car door for me first, closed the door for me when i went into the car before opening his own door.. at that point i was a little frantic and hesistant but the best thing to do was to get in and minimise the time he was holding the door for me..
gender or seniority.. i really don't know what it is now at this age and time and environment.. to me its always seniority which comes first so i made a conclusion for myself.. that was the reason why i felt out of place in certain circumstances which reigns gender over seniority.. but i respect him more for his priority on gender, and that is not to say that asians are not gentlemenly.. in fact it never struck me before that day but i think that the older generation of men have more under their sleeves in the terms of the book of gentlemenly acts.. and of course the virtues that have been lost with time.. this uncle of mine is known for always being early, not only on time, and never ever being late for anything.. i self admit that i could never acheive that level of zen though i have serious thought about reflecting and changing on my non existant sense of timing.. it is a virtue truly to be admired indeed..
fed express
ok.. i have to admit that i was depressed at federer's consecutive losses this year.. and when news got to me that he lost to roddick.. it was like a blow and a critical sign.. i held back this post for a while because i never thought that it rendered such significant attention.. after all tennis is a game that is often very close rivalry between the fantastic players.. and for federer to have dominated in this realm for so many many years is already a feat on its own.. but seeing the many reports and being directed to them is a rather unsettling feeling for me.. i don't think the fed express is losing its steam.. or perhaps i just hope..
i first watched him during his win in 2003 wimbledon.. the long hair moustache guy just didn't seem like the kind who will appeal much to me.. but to be fair i always love a winner.. so technically he was THE tennis star since I started watching tennis.. he grew up with me.. and i just realised lately that he is only 5 years older.. twice i watched him LIVE in New York.. in the span of the last 8 months.. it was just so spectacular that the feeling is almost indescribable.. it's like being so touched to see the person u truly admire being on top form and unbeatable doing the thing he does best.. even during the start of this year when many talks abt his reduced capabilities, i saw him live against pete sampras in madison square garden.. and the shots he manages are just out of this world.. it's almost less of tennis and more of a display of grace..
to be honest, i never had very much faith.. or more like i never wanted to disappoint myself by telling myself that he would win something that i think he will not.. wimbledon last year against nadal, autralian this year in the quarters.. but he never failed.. and maybe because deep down i know he wouldn't lose that i dare to place that possibility in my mind..
australian to djokovic, dubai to fish and sony to roddick.. the last one was the last straw for me.. i never doubted that roddick got closer and closer as time gone by.. US Open last year which i followed so religiously in Madison Square park in NY.. I believe the Federer Roddick match was one of the best matches I have ever watched.. but to me the result should always be the same since its a 11-2 record of wins head on head.. and yet this year was the second of the 13 matches..
at this point however, i refuse to concede that this is the end of the federer regime.. maybe because the tides have changed and people are starting to lose that faith in him.. sampras was perhaps another man whom we can put in comparison.. and yet he did not win grand slams consecutively as well.. this year might not have been a great start for him.. but i believe that the belief he has in himself and the mental strength which kept him going on for so long will soon bring him back into the victory streaks.. who knows? he might just win the french this year.. the elusive trophy often for the world's best players..
fashion disaster
there are always 2 things about my look that i cannot seem to handle.. one is my eyes which i have officially given up on.. and the second is my hair.. both of which i believe are the most important determinants of a person's look..
i was ploughing through old photos and realised my ever changing hairstyle.. it's quite interesting.. some i believe i will never do again.. some i never want to remember myself in that hairstyle ever before.. but those are part and parcel of which makes up my life and the process.. but seriously.. hairstyle is a huge social cost and i often don't wanna play too much with it.. so there is the balance between change and still looking conventional.. and seriously i think i often change too much for my own good..
coming out of the hairdresser most of the time when i do something drastic is to head straight home and decide how to fight fire.. and most of the time after i have spent hundreds on the new style.. it's very annoying indeed.. but i go back to my hairdresser again and again because there is always the huge value weeks after.. esp with my own improvisation of it.. and then that often outweighs the initial cost.. and then it's back to the cycle once again..
well.. this time i spent hours trying to find out the best way to salvage my fashion disaster.. i get uncomfortable when i look like i lost all my black hair and became a true blue foreigner.. but yea that's pretty much what happened.. so now i look blonde.. haha
edging into desperation
it's interesting how people tell you what you are and you grow to believe it as time goes by.. stubborness can only take you a certain distance.. the rest is subject to facing the music or plain distortion, depending on your perspective.. it's interesting how there is a fine line between being strong about your own opinions, and being opinioniated.. between confident and arrogant, between persistent and agressive, between believing in yourself and being stubborn.. maybe i was always right in thinking that i'm just plain stubborn.. and i have been told so many times that it is wrong.. i no longer struggle to stand by my point of view.. i've broken down and conceded.. i'm wrong..
a recent singles analysis have concluded that i should edge towards desperation for some sort of change.. perhaps i really should.. thinking about extremities scare even myself.. i fear losing myself and what used to be me.. but yet again i was never the better man.. so what is there to lose now? i can't help but wallow in sadness when i think about the inequality in the world in my own narrow perspective.. it hurts to think that what is so attractive about the opposite gender totally does not apply to the fairer sex.. waht am i to do now.. to lower myself in light of desperation? or to stand up proud and stay the same? or maybe i'm just asking for too much...
in built defense mechanism have lately become a topic of conversation.. indeed i think it's very much linked to the fear of being seen as turning desperate.. and of course a method of self preservation.. but how much are you willing to give up for what people think about you? or are you willing to give up everything for just one shot in making things possible.. for me.. i have no answers because no situation has rendered me that sort of choice to make.. when the time comes however, i fear that people's perception is more impactful that my self perception.. is that commendable? or is that condemnable?
the roles of men and women have changed very much in my perspective.. but the innate inequality still remains.. perhaps because i grew up in a traditional setting.. perhaps i will change with a different environment.. but am i so adaptable? and is the different cultures really that different? i tend to believe not...
