::Inspiration::

spin

2008-12-27T01:57:00.004+08:00

it's been a while since i drove on a road with practically no cars in singapore. maybe i don't hang out too late too often to realise that enjoyment. but today, for the practical purpose when i most needed it, i had the opportunity. top down with the past midnight breeze at a comfortable pace of my own is just a perfect spin in my perspective. a perfect ending to an otherwise tremulous day, physically and psychologically.

i reached my limit today. i could take it no longer. i exploded. and hopefully i found peace for a while again. sometimes i hate myself for my stubborness and for being so unreasonable. i am guilty, but i can't bring myself to say i'm sorry. i realised that i want to continue to protect myself. i don't need more time because time will not change anything. i finally concede to that fact. what i want is space. but no matter how hard i try, it will never be the same again. this is how it is going to be, and it has become very clear. i have to accept it, or escape it. i fight no more. speak no more. but i can never stop myself to think no more.

the spin to run away.

christmas

2008-12-24T23:32:00.004+08:00

the meaning of christmas has moved beyond a christian celebration. it seems to me that it is celebrated by almost all whom i noe, in some way or another. perhaps it is the influence of the western culture. perhaps it is just another excuse to celebrate the last week of the year. or perhaps it is the commercial impact of christmas lightings and sales that fuels the festive atmosphere and the need to give. whatever the reason, christmas eve feasts, parties, count downs, gifts, people filled shopping centres just seem in line...

even for me, this christmas seems like something special. and then i realised that the reason lies in the fact that its been the 1st time in 3 years that i spent xmas in singapore. 2006, i spent it in cambodia. 2007, in venice. 2008, it's high time that it's singapore. and while i don't admit to celebrating xmas delibrately, there seems to be a xmas spirit lingering around me.. perhaps it's just the shopping.. or the happy conclusions to this year.

very soon, end of 2008 is approaching. and i always like to reflect on what happened in the past year. there were a lot of deperession in 2008. falling into and out of them throughout my personal life. they are not gone. i know that. i just learnt how to bury them somewhere in my subconscious and hope they will never resurface ever again. but i know they will. they always do. but i guess the efforts on my part is to work on them and keep them down as much as i can. but then again. efforts does not always equate to results. and sometimes, maybe i just don't want to try to deal with them because I give up.

there were a lot of experiences in 2008. the first half of the year was a semester of moving beyond new york. and going back of course. my first international case competition in london, one which i only got to enjoy on hind sight. the trip to egypt. eventful and thoughtful, and definitely exciting. consulting practicum. perhaps something i never want to go through again. forge some frenships, unfortunately it strained some too. i'm just glad it's over now, with many lessons learnt. gym. picked up a membership which i was frequented constantly throughout the year because i didn't want to waste the money i paid. ubs summer internship. fantastic 3 months in this year, which gave me a boost in my job hunt. proved to be an underappreciated experience this second half of the year. ubs program. made many fantastic frens who are now all over the world. research methods in finance. the most challenging course ever, with the nicest prof ever. an interesting combination.

there were many realisations as well. i don't really want to be a forensic scientist anymore, after taking a course on forensic science. i enjoyed the course, but it was opened my eyes to what they really do behind the glamour potrayed by csi. i can compose music! i have one masterpiece from my science of music course which i dreaded during the process. i am a perfectionist. confirmed with a stamp after my business policy class. i have an uncanning similarity with my dad in terms of temperament. i love criminal minds.

there were many achievements in the 2nd half of 2008. getting a job at pwc advisory, something i believe that i really want and have expectations on. it's a burden off my shoulders, truly. this leaves 2nd semester of 2008 to thesis and modules alone. organising internal case competition to the best of my ability, serving my obligations and the expectations by others and by myself. scoring my first cap 5. getting myself a trip to copenhagen on what i think is the most iconic case competition for the school. and managing all of that in the last 4 months.

things to look forward to in 2009. japan trip in end jan. copenhagen and scandinavia in end feb. europe in may. australia in june. work in july.

the unfamiliar

2008-08-29T23:15:00.002+08:00

finally i have begun blogging again.. the unfamiliar act for over 3 months.. well there can be several excuses for neglecting my blog once again.. the first being that my life was pretty much the same.. nothing major happened.. nothing of major depression, nothing of major happiness.. therefore it is not reported on my blog.. the other is that i was busy for the months i was doing my internship.. very interesting work and challenging towards the end.. and to an extent i was more comfortable there than i was in school.. i found out things about myself i never knew.. i found out things that i liked and disliked.. in people and in my future career.. and of course i made a lot of connections with people.. and i saw a pretty different side of the world.. well the 3rd reason is actually something out of the ordinary.. i went for lasik surgery!! haha for those we didn't know yea i went for lasik so i'm technically eliminating the years of contact lenses and specs.. i should be more excited about it then i am.. but despite my lack of amazement when i mention about it.. it is indeed a very very revolutionary technology.. i'm going at 6/6 on my left and i think 6/12 on my right.. maybe i should do an enhancement surgery on my right.... we'll see..

today a fren told me i looked much better after my lasik surgery.. actually i think its coz i looked really bad before my surgery.. that's coz i suffer from severe confidence problem when i wear my specs.. so yea basically if i didn't appear too happy or normal for that matter.. but yea all is back to normal now.. thankfully.. i never have to go through that stage in life again i hope... the surgery seemed to have broken down some sort of momentum for me.. i was enjoying life quite a bit during my internship.. maybe coz of the new friends i met.. but i learnt to understand and accept the temporal nature of friendships..

back to school as a year 4 required some sort of adapting.. and then i realised i grew up quite a bit.. stepping into one of the sessions with regard to the bizad club elections that seemed a great big deal to me 3 years ago when i was the one doing the presentation, i remember how stressed i was over it.. and then 3 years later i pop into one of those rooms after i made a presentation to a full LT of people.. that was quite some achievement for myself i suppose.. of course i have to admit that the slides boosted my confidence 500%.. thanks to him really.. but i was one true time that i felt that i yielded some sort of power in the school.. and thinking about that makes me think that this is a significant post because this blog started out from case....

i heard a statement from a friend after complaining over being severely overworked.. that everyone seems to want us to put them in first priority.. that is perhaps the feeling i had over the past week.. being torn between responsibilities, obligations, plain work and interest.. interest seems to always lose out in the battle.. since i haven't turned on the tv since the week began.. and i haven't slept quite enough.. i haven't even the time to think about my love life.. which everyone else seems to be more worried about then myself.. which technically i would have put in my effort when i'm more free.. but yea thesis and cp on top of my 4 mods plus the burden of organising case.. i keep telling people it's an obligation.. but i think it will turn out to be a sense of achievement and a legacy to be passed on.. to whom i do not actually know.. but it's good to be put in comparison to the legends in school.. of course i pale in comparison actually.. but it's an honour always :)

as for my job hunt.. i haven't really began doing it.. but i've been dutifully attending all the career talks and events.. i'm quite happy i found out what area of work i wanna do instead of being in the whirlpool of herd mentality and grabbing all the industries in all the major investment banks just for the sake of proving something.. it's good to be asked whether i'm going for this career talk and say "sorry i'm not interested" when that company is like a global mnc.. i think being focussed is really impt.. else you might just tire yourself out in the process of doing other things that is beside your own focus.. and then you learn to take what other people say with a pinch of salt sometimes.. don't always agree with someone because you think they are in higher authority.. they are not always right or may not always have the answer that is customised to you..

on a side note.. i reject both agression and affection.. and i think it's quite true.. hmm

freedom

2008-05-07T13:43:00.002+08:00

its funny how the feeling of being free is so precious, even after you realise that actually you were not that constrained before the end of exams.. indeed i was doing all the wrong things in the midst of exams.. and i couldn't care less.. but the taste of freedom.. so priceless still..

listening to elton john and getting excited over his concert tonight.. coz of what i heard abt his AMAZING piano techniques.. it's been a while since i went a live concert.. actually i haven't been to many to begin with.. but it's the feeling abt being excited about something.. looking forward to it.. its been so long since i had that feeling.. that feeling of being alive.. ok maybe it's just post NY syndrome again i dunno.. but this whole week is something to look forward to :) got a series of events lined up till i decide to dedicate myself to internship, thesis lookout, internal case organising and cp.. yet i'm feeling ALIVE.. maybe i just need things to do.. many things to do..

was listening to avenue q and msning at the same time watching house.. it was a fabulous feeling.. having to feel no guilt abt enjoying my favourite show and laughing so much listening to avenue q singing along the outrageous lyrics.. plus catching up with frens.. wonderful! thinking about what might soon unfold.. even better.. hopeful.. sounds like i'm in super good spirits..

it's funny how i seem "prim and proper" as most people think i am, but i like drinking shots in a club.. enough to make me lose my balance.. but still totally in control.. mind you.. it doesn't take many to get me in that state.. but it's really amusing even to myself.. it's like having fun but not beyond my limits.. of course the crowd and company is super important.. plus of course my state of mind when i'm there.. once in a while it's a way to vent the boredom or the anger or the exhuastion.. haha but hardly so to be honest.. maybe i should club more.. drink more.. play more..

some people say.. do or think something everyday which scares urself.. adrenaline makes you younger :)

in the midst

2008-04-30T21:01:00.003+08:00

i'm in the midst of my exams.. i don't think many can tell when they see me though haha.. i sleep more than 8 hrs every night.. go out for lunches, stay home to watch lost..

yea i was a super addict for a while on lost.. always didn't want to watch it because i was really scared of the monsters that might jump out in the jungle.. to be honest the first season really did freak me out a little but not enough to stop me from continuing on.. there were too many mysteries unsolved that i just couldn't let it go.. and it amazes me how people actually think of such imaginative stories.. well i finished the first season in 4 days.. and realised that i should stop watching it so intensively.. so after the 6th day of averaging 6 episodes per day, i slowed down my pace and decided that i should start studying.. forcing myself in the national library was really really helpful.. because i deceive myself by bringing my laptop to tell myself that i have access to the show, but i know that the connection is bad enough to make me unable to watch it.. so i am proud of myself now that i'm averaging only 2 episodes or less per day :) well it's also coz season 2 is not as interesting.. because the mysteries stay mysteries and lesser new ones come up.. so techincally i'm off the hook :)

had a good lunch with friends today at chatterbox.. suddenly i feel atas haha.. but i think this is the feeling i'm going to get more and more as friends start working and earning their own money.. haha well i do like that feeling very much :) didn't know that they moved chatterbox upstairs to 38th level of mandarin hotel.. chicken rice tasted the same.. still as good.. the view was not bad but the company was better haha.. just that i have never felt so single before.. really.. well i was sort of an extended lunch so we ended it later than i scheduled.. yea i did schedule timing for it coz i was supposedly running an exam schedule (haha sounds like NYU shuttle buses)..

and my afternoon schedule consisted of....... underwater world! haha a totally out of the world thing to do.. but it was because my free ticket expires today! and i decided that i have not gone there for decades and why not make a trip there to spend my afternoon with fishes and sharks.. not forgetting that i'm there "studying" for my module.. haha.. so take natural heritage of singapore if u want a free ticket to underwater world.. well it did entertain me for a while.. for maybe i am easily entertained.. but yea i enjoyed my time there.. there are touch pools where u can touch the fishes, there are exhibits of very interesting marine life in little acrylic containers.. there was of course the long tunnel with all the underwater animals swimming around.. my favourite place was the rays of fun place where there was a pool full of stingrays and you can feed them.. and they are not small animals.. but i love the way they look and swim, with the other yellow fishes with them.. of course the very cute dugong.. and the most amazing animals are the leafy seadragon and the velcro crab.. they are the epitome of mimicry..

what was more interesting was the feeling of going to a singapore tourist attraction.. i was immersed in many groups of interested tourists from all over the world.. minus the fact that they might be thinking i was a weird person taking notes in this place haha.. honestly i did feel out of place but if i didn't do it i would think i had wasted my time coz i would learn more than be entertained more there.. haha.. but yea after traveling so many places over the world going to so many tourist attractions, i realised i haven't really the inkling abt singapore's own attractions.. i haven't been to the bird park or the zoo since i was in primary school.. walking through the souvenier shop was sooo weird really.. but i couldn't help but look at the types of things that they sold as a representative of singapore.. and laugh.. maybe locals in other countries laugh at us when we buy things as tourist over there too.. who knows?

hypocrites

2008-04-14T12:36:00.001+08:00

i hate hypocrites.
but i am turning into one.
i will start hating myself very soon.

east and west

2008-04-12T16:57:00.002+08:00

i would say that i grew up in a traditional asian family, but have been constantly exposed to western ways which singapore had been adopting over the years.. a question suddenly occured to me -- is my culture and ideology more east or west?

it arose when i went out on a family dinner with an uncle whom i knew since childhood.. i give him a lot of respect because of his seniority in age over me, as we are taught in asian cultures.. this includes speaking with courtesy, standing up when you meet the person, addressing him immediately when he is present, accepting a toast with both hands, offering the toast first, showing face when bidding farewell, offering to help in anything if necessary, walking behind like a younger generation should.. it is almost second nature to me because i was brought up this way.. and i never really questioned it..

however, there were 3 instances that night which made me uncomfortable and kept me thinking.. once was when we first arrived and he opened the lift door and signaled for me to walk first, meaning that i was walking in front of him the whole way to the restaurant.. i had no idea why i felt weird, but i slowed my footsteps to make sure that i at least walked in parallel to him at the same pace.. it seemed like a given for guys of our age to do that to pass off as what we call "gentlemen", but for someone a generation older doing that just didn't feel right to me.. the second encounter was when my parent's friends came along during dinner and came around shaking hands.. i sat in my seat for a while, contemplating if i was supposed to stand up.. i remember a social ettiquete course teaching that if it is a guy shaking hands and you are a lady, you do not need up stand up to shake hands with him no matter his age.. but i didn't hesitate for long and decided to stand up to address him because i felt so disrespectful sitting in my seat.. the last incident was when we were at the car in which my uncle opened the car door for me first, closed the door for me when i went into the car before opening his own door.. at that point i was a little frantic and hesistant but the best thing to do was to get in and minimise the time he was holding the door for me..

gender or seniority.. i really don't know what it is now at this age and time and environment.. to me its always seniority which comes first so i made a conclusion for myself.. that was the reason why i felt out of place in certain circumstances which reigns gender over seniority.. but i respect him more for his priority on gender, and that is not to say that asians are not gentlemenly.. in fact it never struck me before that day but i think that the older generation of men have more under their sleeves in the terms of the book of gentlemenly acts.. and of course the virtues that have been lost with time.. this uncle of mine is known for always being early, not only on time, and never ever being late for anything.. i self admit that i could never acheive that level of zen though i have serious thought about reflecting and changing on my non existant sense of timing.. it is a virtue truly to be admired indeed..

fed express

2008-04-08T16:30:00.003+08:00

ok.. i have to admit that i was depressed at federer's consecutive losses this year.. and when news got to me that he lost to roddick.. it was like a blow and a critical sign.. i held back this post for a while because i never thought that it rendered such significant attention.. after all tennis is a game that is often very close rivalry between the fantastic players.. and for federer to have dominated in this realm for so many many years is already a feat on its own.. but seeing the many reports and being directed to them is a rather unsettling feeling for me.. i don't think the fed express is losing its steam.. or perhaps i just hope..

i first watched him during his win in 2003 wimbledon.. the long hair moustache guy just didn't seem like the kind who will appeal much to me.. but to be fair i always love a winner.. so technically he was THE tennis star since I started watching tennis.. he grew up with me.. and i just realised lately that he is only 5 years older.. twice i watched him LIVE in New York.. in the span of the last 8 months.. it was just so spectacular that the feeling is almost indescribable.. it's like being so touched to see the person u truly admire being on top form and unbeatable doing the thing he does best.. even during the start of this year when many talks abt his reduced capabilities, i saw him live against pete sampras in madison square garden.. and the shots he manages are just out of this world.. it's almost less of tennis and more of a display of grace..

to be honest, i never had very much faith.. or more like i never wanted to disappoint myself by telling myself that he would win something that i think he will not.. wimbledon last year against nadal, autralian this year in the quarters.. but he never failed.. and maybe because deep down i know he wouldn't lose that i dare to place that possibility in my mind..

australian to djokovic, dubai to fish and sony to roddick.. the last one was the last straw for me.. i never doubted that roddick got closer and closer as time gone by.. US Open last year which i followed so religiously in Madison Square park in NY.. I believe the Federer Roddick match was one of the best matches I have ever watched.. but to me the result should always be the same since its a 11-2 record of wins head on head.. and yet this year was the second of the 13 matches..

at this point however, i refuse to concede that this is the end of the federer regime.. maybe because the tides have changed and people are starting to lose that faith in him.. sampras was perhaps another man whom we can put in comparison.. and yet he did not win grand slams consecutively as well.. this year might not have been a great start for him.. but i believe that the belief he has in himself and the mental strength which kept him going on for so long will soon bring him back into the victory streaks.. who knows? he might just win the french this year.. the elusive trophy often for the world's best players..

fashion disaster

2008-04-02T20:15:00.002+08:00

there are always 2 things about my look that i cannot seem to handle.. one is my eyes which i have officially given up on.. and the second is my hair.. both of which i believe are the most important determinants of a person's look..

i was ploughing through old photos and realised my ever changing hairstyle.. it's quite interesting.. some i believe i will never do again.. some i never want to remember myself in that hairstyle ever before.. but those are part and parcel of which makes up my life and the process.. but seriously.. hairstyle is a huge social cost and i often don't wanna play too much with it.. so there is the balance between change and still looking conventional.. and seriously i think i often change too much for my own good..

coming out of the hairdresser most of the time when i do something drastic is to head straight home and decide how to fight fire.. and most of the time after i have spent hundreds on the new style.. it's very annoying indeed.. but i go back to my hairdresser again and again because there is always the huge value weeks after.. esp with my own improvisation of it.. and then that often outweighs the initial cost.. and then it's back to the cycle once again..

well.. this time i spent hours trying to find out the best way to salvage my fashion disaster.. i get uncomfortable when i look like i lost all my black hair and became a true blue foreigner.. but yea that's pretty much what happened.. so now i look blonde.. haha

edging into desperation

2008-04-01T11:51:00.002+08:00

it's interesting how people tell you what you are and you grow to believe it as time goes by.. stubborness can only take you a certain distance.. the rest is subject to facing the music or plain distortion, depending on your perspective.. it's interesting how there is a fine line between being strong about your own opinions, and being opinioniated.. between confident and arrogant, between persistent and agressive, between believing in yourself and being stubborn.. maybe i was always right in thinking that i'm just plain stubborn.. and i have been told so many times that it is wrong.. i no longer struggle to stand by my point of view.. i've broken down and conceded.. i'm wrong..

a recent singles analysis have concluded that i should edge towards desperation for some sort of change.. perhaps i really should.. thinking about extremities scare even myself.. i fear losing myself and what used to be me.. but yet again i was never the better man.. so what is there to lose now? i can't help but wallow in sadness when i think about the inequality in the world in my own narrow perspective.. it hurts to think that what is so attractive about the opposite gender totally does not apply to the fairer sex.. waht am i to do now.. to lower myself in light of desperation? or to stand up proud and stay the same? or maybe i'm just asking for too much...

in built defense mechanism have lately become a topic of conversation.. indeed i think it's very much linked to the fear of being seen as turning desperate.. and of course a method of self preservation.. but how much are you willing to give up for what people think about you? or are you willing to give up everything for just one shot in making things possible.. for me.. i have no answers because no situation has rendered me that sort of choice to make.. when the time comes however, i fear that people's perception is more impactful that my self perception.. is that commendable? or is that condemnable?

the roles of men and women have changed very much in my perspective.. but the innate inequality still remains.. perhaps because i grew up in a traditional setting.. perhaps i will change with a different environment.. but am i so adaptable? and is the different cultures really that different? i tend to believe not...

passing phases of life

2008-03-22T15:39:00.004+08:00

is blogging the only avenue now? i figured i'm not at all recovered.. nowhere near.. yet i just realised that.. this semester has been a time of falling in and out of depression.. of course including the many helpless passing phases of life..

it's almost unbearable.. the excitment of knowing new people in a new land.. having so much fun and laughter with these people.. then realising they are just the result of convenience and proximity.. when distance puts us apart, nothing will be left.. soon.. they might become strangers even.. and so what if we believe otherwise.. if we believe that if we bother to keep in contact, everything will be different.. relationships will sustain.. friendships will remain?

geography is cruel.. because it kills off what might have been by setting people apart.. possible opportunities.. possible relationships.. possible feelings.. gone because time and space comes between them.. because one meeting which sweeps one off the ground is no basis or anything.. one sided? mutual? we probably never was able to grasp it.. how can one every survive this again and again.. investing feelings and emotions.. thinking about what could have happened.. playing out whatever could have been done within the time period.. feeling that feeling.. then losing it all.. resigning to the fact that it all happens.. that these people are just passing phases in our lives.. it is painful.. too painful for me perhaps.. i often ask if i would rather not know these people, not feel that feeling, not have those fun.. then all will be at peace....

helpless is a passive feeling.. but helpless it is.. time is the healer.. but do i want to forget in order to recover?

Exotic Egypt

2008-02-25T18:44:00.002+08:00

a land of 6000 years of history, Egypt is possibly the most diverse country in terms of history and culture.. the pharohs, the greeks, the romans, the ottomans, the british.. it was part of almost every reign known during the period of their power.. and because of this richness in history comes the wonders of this ancient land..

i have only written after a long time for me to be objective to this country.. it was undeniably an extraordinary experience for me, both pleasant and unpleasant, because of the people, place and the unexpected happenings.. again an unexpected and exotic tourist location, yet it never fails to amaze me..

the trip started out in Cairo, the capital of Egypt.. on the very first day we saw the Great Pyramids of Giza, traveled down to Memphis to see the second largest sphinx in the country, saw the oldest step pyramids, took the camel ride and saw the great sphinx guarding the 3 pyramids.. and i thought my trip to Egypt was all over.. I thought i saw it all in just one day and started to wonder what the other 9 days meant.. yet i was not disappointed because there is so much more to the country then just the pyramids..

the second day we traveled to alexandria, the port area which oversees the mediterranean ocean.. a beautiful blue sparkling under the bright sunlight, it was also the site of one of the ancient wonders of the world, the alexander lighthouse.. standing there now was a citadel built using the stones from the lighthouse which was destroyed during an earthquake.. i loved the city and saw the influence trade and port had on a place as compared to the inner lands.. alexandria was indeed a more modern and open city in relativity..

the egyptian museum.. one of the must visits because it houses the most valuable of relics from the pharoh periods.. it tells the story of the ancient civilisation, the culture, life and death.. it is also home to the treasures in the tomb of tutankaman, excavated in almost original states.. and of course there is a mummy room, which has the remains of mummys which are preserved amazingly well.. one very interesting trivia is the fact that egyptians boycotted the show "The Mummy" because of the far from factual interpretations of egyptian history.. and the flesh eating beetle in the show which i find the most fearful is actually a symbol of good luck in ancient times..

Flying from Cairo to Luxor was an early morning thing, of which interesting/appaling incidents on board the plane occurred.. nonetheless i was excited about Luxor, because it houses 25% of articfacts from ancient history.. it is the city capital during those periods, unlike popular belief that Giza or Cairo was once the major center of the empires.. Karnack and Luxor temples were just amazing.. it was like ang kor wat but an egyptian version.. of course less extensive and impressive in terms of size, but its art and architecture considering the times in which it was built was indeed an important factor for the awe.. i once questioned because i wasn't all that impressed with the great Pyramids to understand why people think it's built by aliens.. i decided to put the Great wall of China in comparison.. yet i didn't realise that by doing so, I was comparing 2 things in 2 different ages separated by almost 2000 years.. just like comparing technology now versus that of during the great Wall period.. now that indeed put things into perspective.. and the amazing thing is that colours were already in use and still preserved!!

The valley of the kings, a very nice name for the almost desert area in which housed the tombs of great Pharohs of the past.. we visited 3 tombs of which one of the most elaborate ones required us to weave up and down climbing stairs within the caves.. a sacorphagos within which a gold, a wood then the mummy lies.. of which no mummy really remains after excavation because they have all been moved to the museums.. but looking at the vast lands of yellow sand.. it amazes me how the ancient people found the place.. and it amazes me more how people of today found the tombs of so many years ago..

four days on a nile river cruise was a lot more pleasant than i initally expected.. moving upstream to Aswan from Luxor.. one full day was spent doing nothing.. except playing cards and mahjong (yes mahjong) on the deck of the ship.. not too noisy, but a very serene feeling if you just sit by the side and look at the banks of the nile.. its unique because you see mountains, the sahara desert.. then you see green and you treasure them so much more.. the sky is cloudless and the sun shines all the time.. passing the lock is interesting and it did occupy our time for a while.. because of the aswan high dam, ships crossing will come to a point where the water levels differ, therefore they would have to queue to get into a lock of which will close, pump water in to raise the water level, then let the ship move off into the new area enclosed by the dam.. it was indeed a long wait.. yet it was a never before experience..

and then it was followed by many temples and many bazaars.. and many more temples again.. and of course the crazy attempt to wake up in the morning at 3am to drive 4 hours there and another 4 hours back to see this place known as abu simbel.. a very reluctant 4 of us decided finally to make the trip there to see the wonders of this temple built by ramses II, one of the greatest pharohs in the 18 or 19th dynasty, put on par with the great Pyramids and ang kor wat by one of our guide books.. well i did manage to catch the sunrise upon the sahara desert.. which was a sight rendering about 20 shots on my camaera.. it was really beautiful.. abu simbel didn't quite disappoint me.. built near a lake so peaceful and having astromy knowledge so amazing.. the most sacred of places in the temple is the statue of 3 gods with ramses himself, and only on 2 dates of the whole year, one which is his bday and another his coronation date would sun shine upon 3 of the statues, leaving the god of the dark literally in darkness.. and the building was just magnificent that it awes..

my egypt trip was extrordinary because there were so many ups and downs in the trip.. and it was one of the trips i barely had time to rest at all.. disco nights on board the ship.. gala baya party which totally amused me yet at the back of my mind i knew that the next day i had to be awake by 2.30am.. i was never sleeping after 5am for the whole 10 days in the country.. i think i lived as if i was still back in singapore considering there was a time difference of 6 hours.. and i even wake up before 9am singapore time sometimes in egypt.. and i asked finally the tour guide once.. do egyptians ever sleep? and his answer with a grin.. no.

i felt many things of the trip.. some i can't wait to forget.. the anger and the fear.. some i wish to forget yet i wish to hold on at the same time.. the many wrong things.. and some i just don't ever want to let go of.. the feeling of being special and the wonderful memories.. the many new things.. and the many new people..

the story of Valentine

2008-02-14T21:12:00.002+08:00

as all of us celebrate wonderful love on Valentine's day, few would probably realise the legend behind this romantic ocassion.. well the special edition on my blog's 3rd anniversary shall reveal the story of Valentine.. and this came from a rather unlikely source - a magazine on board Egypt Air during my flight from Aswan to Cairo...

February 14th is a date to commerate Saint Valentine, a priest who stood against the laws to prohibit marriages by Roman Emperor Claudius II who believed that single men made better soldiers in times of war. The priest Valentine believed in true love and performed secret marriage ceremonies for couples in love. When the Emperor found out about it, he arrested and priest Valentine put him in jail. Before his execution, he wrote a note to his beloved in which read "From your Valentine". Hence this day represents the triump of love, and became a tradition for expressing our belief in love.

to all those in love.. happy valentine's day! to all those who yearn to love, i'm sure there is a special one out there for you.. as for me.. i try to recuperate from a trip to Egypt so extraordinary it tires me both physically and mentally.. and as my hopes of stopping the inevitable are dashed as night falls upon the land of the Pharohs, i can only try to rationalise my emotions once more and let time sweep away what's left..

random thoughts of the week

2008-02-03T13:02:00.001+08:00

top on my mind now is my recent interview with merrill lynch on my possible internship opportunity in hong kong this summer.. it's not like me to continue thinking about what i should have or should not have said after 2 whole days.. but that perhaps was the closest i ever had to securing an internship through an interview.. i never told many about my first interview with merrill thinking that it would probably have come and gone.. i didn't prepare very much, but i thought i did well because i threw in a lot of knowledge i learnt from corporate finance in NY.. i was truly inspired by Prof Damodaran anyways.. and it was definitely relevant stuff considering that the nature of the job is private equity.. and another call 2 days ago to tell me to do my 2nd round interview with 3 people in the team on that day itself.. i hardly had time to prepare for the interviews that took me almost 2 hours.. half an hour or more each plus waiting time in between them calling me.. it was a gruelling 2 hours after which i was so tired both mentally and physically..

i'm truly trying not to hope and trying to tell myself that i should not expect much anyways.. but it's really hard sometimes.. it's hard to block out the fact that if i actually did well in that interview, i might have put myself on the path of a career towards a prestigious investment bank based in NY.. i might have a chance of doing my internship this summer in hongkong and have everything paid for for me.. and it has always been something i wanted to do since i went on exchange - to work overseas for a period of time.. and most importantly i can for once stop my searching for internships so early in the year.. but i'm seriously not certain at all what my chances are.. so many times i wanted to ask but i didn't get down to doing it.. i'm afraid of heightened chances actually, to prevent heightened disappointments.. not intending to shut off my other applications though i'm really sick of the process.. but i really hope i get some reply soon, whether good or bad news..

i am taking new communications and media as a module, and its really interesting to realise how communication and technology has changed over the years.. mobile and internet technology has progressed so fast that i can hardly remember those years when i was a kid before internet and mobile phones started out.. have you ever wondered what the world would be like without them? learning would be so different, information sharing, news, television, music and movies would not have been redefined.. perhaps schools will expect less from students since getting information is a lot harder than it would have been.. communication through email and sms and online chats revolutionised.. and shopping would never have become so easy across borders now..

i feel like a part time student and a full time traveller.. going to the exotic Egypt in two days time for 10 days.. then going to Western Ontario for another 9-10 days for the case competition in Ivey in March.. I'm looking forward to that actually because there is high likelihood that i'm going back to NYC!!! it's really exciting to go back.. i really miss the place so much.. and i want to watch the Sampras and Federer legendary game! hope things will work out..

i'm stuck with an addiction for House.. i'm watching it online with an average of 2 episodes per day.. and i'm just so amazed by Hugh Laurie and his ability to portray such a miserable and cranky American doctor when he is actually no where near his screen character.. not a doctor, not miserable, not cranky and not American.. that means that every word he says is a conscious effort on his part to act.. because if you attempt to listen to any of his interviews when he appears as himself and not House, he speaks in a perfect British accent.. just so amazing..

Sweeny Todd.. the demon barber of Fleet Street.. i made it a point that I would watch it once it started screening in Singapore.. because back in London on the free tour it was a finale story the tour guide told us outside Fleet Street.. and of course because it was Johnny Depp.. i was took by surprise actually because the show was actually a musical, but i believed it added a lot more value.. i liked the songs and loved the acting.. oh and the judge in the show is actually professor snape in harry potter haha.. he has a very unique voice.. though the ending was really quite perverse and depressing.. and the whole killing spree was rather explicit and gruesome.. i would still recommend it actually, though some might not agree with me..

my blog's second

Europe

2008-02-01T23:58:00.000+08:00

this post is specially for two friends who are in need of tips on europe.. hope it helps u gals and hope it paints a picture of the fabulous time i had in europe after year end.. by chronological order after my dramatic story about my plane and my luggage, here are the cities before you!

Berlin
I was totally charmed by this city because it houses the richest history of the 20th century. Evidence of World War II and The Cold War are all around the city, including Checkpoint Charlie, the Berlin Wall, the Reichstag, the Brandenburg Gate, the Holocaust and Jewish memorials. We spent our first meaningful day in Berlin on the free walking tour by the company called NewBerlin. They work on a tip basis and they are generally very good at giving the tour. Make sure you are fit for walking though, coz it's about 3 hours of walking outside in the bitter cold for us. It would be much better in the summer though.

We spent our 2nd meaningful day in Berlin at a concentration camp in Sachsenhaus. It was a full day tour which brought us to the concentration camp about 45 min away from town which costs us around 14 euros. I thought it was a very good experience because it is impt for us to understand that part of history which reminds us about the horrors of war. It was not a fun tour obviously, sends chills down the spine when you almost feel that u can imagine what went on on those grounds. I just felt so fortunate that I was able to turn back and walk right through the gates out of the camp at the end of it all.

we stayed at Meininger City Hostel. It was a very nice and cosy place actually, close to the metro, service was really quite good. no compliants about the place :) bus and metros are usually free... just dont get caught! pork knuckles, sausage and beer are the German foods which we tried. We did lots of Christmas market shopping and eating too with Christmas wine, but there are cons for summer as well i guess.

Venice
One of the most looked forward cities personally, but one of the most disappointing as well. But it is still a must go! though it really isn't sinking as fast as we think.. venice is separated into mainland and the island, so the highlight is often the island area where there are the classic small streets and canal.. get a good map for the area though i doubt there really is one.. the streets are really hard to spot on the map and we always get lost around the area especially when they are all in a foreign language.. but make sure you don't miss the main square in Venice!! which we almost did.. its a large square in Venice beside the Grand canal, with many pigeons in front of a very majestic church.. and walking along the grand canal is indeed quite a beautiful sight.. maybe i wasn't too impressed because we missed out on the main square and kept getting lost in the intial few hours.. in my opinion the gondola ride is overrated.. but somehow it seemed like a must do in Venice.. so negotiate with the gondola riders! we definitely paid a lot more than we were supposed to.. but i believe they could have given a much better price like half of what they quote.. i would have to say that i can imagine its glamour in the 14th century, with the fine arts and craft work which they sell along the streets which are very unique to venice and italy.. but i guess its just that all its glorious past has become history..

we stayed at Hotel Centrale, this two star hotel on the mainland. it has quite a good location with shopping streets around the neighbourhood, no major compliants about it too. foodwise its pastas and pizzas all the way in italy.. bus and river taxis are usually free too.. again the same rules apply.. don't get caught

Rome
One of the most highly rated destinations personally, Rome is a amazingly beautiful city housing the best in culture, history, architecture and the arts. Three full days in Rome was not able to do justice to the fantastic city, but I should be revisiting it anyways. Get the Rome pass which is definitely worth the while because it covers transportation costs on the metro (this is not free anymore) and entrance free to 2 main museums. It is best actually if you read first about the history of Rome and the famous and glorious Roman empire, because it is all the magnificant structures and Bernini fountains all over the city. It is almost like you are in the Roman empire, just that the fact that everything now is pretty much in ruins or commercialised.. yet there is still the air around where you can sense the wonders of the anceint empire.. it is hard to imagine that the world famous sites are so accessible all at one go.. the Trevi fountain which is the famous wishing fountain.. pls remember to turn around back facing the fountain before tossing the coin to make the wish! the piazzas full of history, the Pantheon which marks the Pagan history of Rome, the ruins of fotresses of Caseser and Cleopetro, the Colosseum which housed the most gruesome entertainments in history, the most eclectic Castle Saint Angelo and the bridge full of angels along the way.. one can prob never finish exploring the city and understanding fully the Roman past, but it feels good to start somewhere..

Vatican city and its beauty lies in the art and the mystery.. and definitely the most impressive architectures in the world.. Saint Peter's Basilica with the Michelangelo's masterpiece - the Pieta.. and the indescribable richness in the Michelangelo's paintings in the Sistine Chapel.. they are definitely the must visits if you are there.. the art pieces within the walls of the Vatican city is also one of the most precious, Raphel's famous paintings, Michelangelo's sculptures.. it enbodies so much culture and history and I believe that even a layman is able to appreciate the essence of it all.. Vatican is known for its queues actually.. the trick is actually to pay for a tour into the Vatican museum which I think it's necessary actually because it really tells the whole story.. that will do the trick to skip the queue and it can get u into Saint Peters Basilica thereafter without queuing too..

We stayed at Village Roma.. it is a little way off town but it's a very cozy place because it's somewhat like a caravan or chalet but it has many of the necessary facilities in place.. they have probably the best exchange rate from US to Euros in the entire world too.. the only problem is the lack of heater in the bathroom and the bedrooms.. which shouldn't be much of a prob in summer.. it's cheap for a place in Rome though.. highly recommended except for the traveling time.. there is a lot of chinese food and of course traditional Italian food in Rome..

Milan
Didn't stay too long in Milan, so we technically had a day over there.. Visit the Duomo, the most impressive Gothic Church which I believe lives up to its name actually.. try to get at the top of the church to get the view of the city.. which we didn't really manage to do because everything closes early.. The next highlight in town is the Last Supper.. yes the famous Last supper by Leonardo Da Vinci is in Milan.. but remember to book this in advance! According to the hotel reception, since Da Vinci code, the average time to book in advance is about a month.. so we didn't get to see the masterpiece.. well other than that, shopping! which we didn't get to do much either.. there's this rather famous castle which we visited, which I would strongly discourage because it's just museums and nothing much of the castle to see.. we became more interested in christmas market.. again..

We stayed at the Best Hotel.. a two star hotel which was almost in front of a rubbish dump and is a lot further than the website suggests.. no specific thing against this place but i wouldn't recommend it either..

Paris
Indescribable! as my friend suggests, there is something about Paris that charms one.. yet one does not really know what it is.. perhaps it is just the atmosphere of the place that is so appealing.. the Seine river that flows across Paris, the roads with buildings of the French architecture, Eiffel tower in a distance, the Arch De Triomphe with roads radiating out of the centre, evidence of Napolean's victory and the French power in history.. the famous Louvre pyramid musuem which houses one of the finest arts within that it attracts even those who does not really understand it.. and Mona Lisa which is much smaller than you think it is.. the Champs-Elysees shopping street that is so classy I have never felt that every department store or shop along the way seemed like its branded.. of course LV shopping was good there.. its really cheaper back in its hometown.. Visit Versailles as well, a little way off town but its has a good collection and display within the palace walls of the old monarchy.. its worth a go but to prevent queuing for the tickets which may be extremely long, try to get an audio tour or get tickets elsewhere.. same fo the Louvre musuem.. buy it through a tour agency or some shops near the metro..

we stayed at a hotel not worth mentioning because it was minute.. as in extremely extremely small.. it could hardly house 2 people, not to mention 5.. so the movement within the hotel room was largely limited actually.. there is a lot of different kinds of food around the city.. try Long Huan restaurant for cheap and good chinese cuisine! and you must try their pastry breakfast and desserts.. they are fantastic! of course the baget as well!

Nice/Monaco
A very serene and relaxing city, nice feels like a small town, separated between old and new.. go to the beach area and it is a breathtaking sight from there.. the bus ride from nice to monaco is about half an hour.. try to get your directions right first before you board the bus, coz you would need to know where to alight and when you have actually reached monaco.. the bus ride is the best value for money you can get for a one euro ticket.. it follows along the cliff of sea among the residential area amongst the terrain.. its like cape town or the high end part of the peak in hk.. but nicer.. it would bring us on the F1 racing track which is hard to believe.. and if you find yourself suddenly seeing many good cars like Ferraris and Lamborghinis than probably you are in Monaco already.. you can sense that in the latter city, everyone seems very rich and every shop seemed branded.. security is very much better in monaco as compared to nice.. visit the famous monte carlo casino, though there is an entrance fee of 10 euros where the place you see if indeed not very large and it seems even less worth the money if you don't gamble.. but the fine decor in the casino itself and the essence of the culture in the classic French flair is indeed unique to Monte Carlo.. perhaps that is why people like to film high class gambling there.. btw i felt completely underdressed when I was in a shirt and pants.. everyone there seemed to be in suits gambling at 25 euros minimum bet.. also visit the palace of the current monarchy.. its another breathtaking sight from the cliff towards to sea.. except that we were at the same time fighting the horrendous winds from the typhoon to be over there.. sort of got distracted from truly enjoying the place..

we stayed in Nice Home Sweet Home, a bed and breakfast place within an office building, and its the best place i have stayed in for the entire trip.. the room is huge and it's almost like home, with tv and dvd players and everything you need.. except for the lack of hot water in the mornings and after a lot of people finish bathing.. but its still highly recommeded.. try to eat in nice instead of monaco, because it is really expensive in the latter..

London
You gals probably not going to London.. since it's really really expensive anyways.. but i'll say that it is another one of my favourite cities in the world.. I love it because of the British accent of course, but also because of its resemblence to home.. It was very fun to take the Tube because the street names are all so familiar to me.. through playing monopoly since I was a kid.. exploring the streets were easy because street names were in English, navigating and moving around was a lot simpler too because there wasn't the language barrier.. and of course the evidence of London's rich culture and powerful empire in the past.. Go on the free tour by the same company as in Berlin but this one is NewLondon.. it has a Royal Tour and an Old City tour.. We didn't manage to go on the former but we went on the latter, which is supposedly less exciting than the first but still it was fun and informative in getting to know the city much better..

Buckingham Palace which is symbolic and majestic, Tower of London which is interesting but a pity we didn't have time to go in, London bridge which is a lot less pretty than you think it.. instead tower bridge is nicer.. Big Ben of course.. Westminister Abbey and Cathedral, London eye was a nice though expensive experience.. you could get it for cheaper with the Oyster Card (like our EZ link) and you MUST visit Harrods.. one of my regrets is that I didn't have enough time to shop in Harrods, because it is so amazing that a shopping centre could be so big and so diverse.. the decorations in different rooms are also very interesting to explore.. if you can, watch a musical in London.. it feels different and it really makes the whole experience more memorable..

We stayed at Globetrotters Inn.. actually I like the place a lot though initially the lobby was very noisy because of rowdy youths.. but it does have a very cozy and private place within the hostel room and its very clean.. transportation is very expensive so buy a day pass and try to use as much as you can.. it's very easy to travel by its Tube system actually.. when you are not carrying luggage.. foodwise, well try Papa John's Pizza there.. it's really really good! there is no lack of chinese food and if you want you can get good chinese food in china town..

stories

2008-01-18T23:39:00.001+08:00

i have officially neglected my blog for almost 3 months.. it crossed my mind that my birthday seemed a perfect time to seek forgiveness to those disappointed readers who realised my disappearance after thanks giving in New York.. but somehow that thought didn't quite become reality either.. threes since i've come back to hot and sunny/rainy Singapore.. i figured i shan't procrastinate longer..

i've thought about what is the best way to summarise my entire experience during exchange and during my trip to europe into one blog entry.. and realised that nothing i write can do justice those exciting and memorable moments in my life.. perhaps i can never fully explain them in words to anyone, only attempt to describe feelings to those who haven't been through them and seek empathy from those who have.. i've finally decided to compile the top 10 entertaining stories for the past 5 months.. not that a normal day in New York going to school and having normal meals meeting normal friends was not something worth mentioning.. but these probably have become classic stories to tell for me whether they were pleasant or not..

couting down from 10.

10. Traveling, Sporting and Musicals

I have traveled to Woodbury where there's factory outlet shopping, Penn where's there's many friends and the famous Wharton, Toronto and Montreal where there's Niagara Falls and beauty among serenity, gloomy yet snowing Chicago, nice and sunny California LA and the exciting Las Vegas, college town Boston, small gambling and shopping place Atlantic City. And of course my year end europe trip which includes Berlin, Venice, Rome, Milan, Paris, Nice, Monaco, London with great company, which I would never be able to do justice in this post..

I watched the US Open finals with my idol Roger Federer.. I believe I have publised this enough through my previous posts haha.. I also managed to catch baseball, NBA and ice hockey over there..

Musicals were expensive but they were worth every cent of the money! haha I watched the best and most fantastic Les Miserables, the classic Phantom of the Opera, the cute and animated Lion King, the refreshing and entertaining Wicked, the different Rent and the newest Little Mermaid.

9. Halloween

Perhaps I have not posted photos up on facebook yet on Halloween photos but basically i spent quite a bomb on a Greek Goddess halloween costume which I must have been insane to wear out on a chilly October night in New York.. Happened that i attracted a lot of unwanted attention and scary encounters.. but the halloween experience was definitely unique to the US and an unforgettable memory..

8. Les Miserables

Never realised I could cry so much in a performance, the New York company touched me with their voice and their emotions in the musical. It was absolutely fantastic.. but this is perhaps something which can be experienced only once in life.. Managed to get the autograph and pictures with my favourie characters in the show.. it was just amazing!

7. US Open

Roger Federer LIVE and Victorious! A dream come true. What more can I say?

6. London Immigration
Stopped by London Immigration in Nice and was thought that we were carrying counterfeit passports.. the experience of talking to the guy on the phone with a perfect queen's english was a great one though.. pleasing to the ear at least :)

5. Turkish Guy

This random guy on the street who started to pick us up near our school while we were waiting for the safety bus back to our hostel at 4am.. after which he decided to follow us back to our hostel on the bus then asked innocently about not wanting to go back and the nearest place for coffee.. we ignored him.. but the story doesn't end there.. he actually found my friend on facebook!!

4. Canadian Experience

a 10 hour greyhound from New York to Toronto turned out to be almost a 20 hour ride.. including missing a couple of buses here and there along the way.. we managed to reach Niagara Falls in time though, just that we were with our luggages..

3. Bus Conductor

paying in europe for public transport seemed rather foreign to us all, and being girls with many baggages moving up the bus trying to get to our hostel, we conveniently skipped the step of paying for the bus ticket.. as the name suggests, the bus conductor came up the stop which we were getting off.. and he actually followed us down and asked us for our ticket which we obviously didn't have.. what's the solution? pretend that we don't speak a word of english and rattle on in chinese....

2. David Copperfield
His secret revealed!! Or maybe just one part of it. But it is definitely a deep secret since I managed to get a photo with him and his autograph on my ticket..

1. 3 days, 2 planes and a luggage
This is the most classic and melodramatic story I believe would ever happen to me, or to anyone for that matter.. where anything which can go wrong would go wrong.. ask me about the story if I haven't already told you in the most dramatic way :) it's a must hear!

the cultural attempt

2007-11-15T08:40:00.000+08:00

this week is the freest since the start of october for me.. since i have no deadlines to meet and no tests to study for.. it was a great time to be cultural again and go for broadway shows to the max.. (did i mention that i am such a frequent patron of the box office for broadway and sport tix that the people recognised my name?!) but alas the timing is just right.. to be caught in the middle of a strike..

it sounds so amusing to hear through the phone.. after trying to call the box office for 2 days and deciding to call any random number i find on the website with regard to the theatre.. that the staff is on strike.. i started laughing because it was a situation i never found myself in.. and never would have expected that i would be affected by.. and thus my plans for watching that particular broadway show was postponed after 2 days of trying.. happily laughing it off and expecting another broadway show tmr, i came to realise today that almost the whole of broadway is on strike.. it sounded more serious than amusing the second time..

determined to continue being cultural and of course not wasting the precious free week i have, i visited the metropolitan museum finally.. a long awaited and postponed visit, i set myself on the journey on my own.. bustling with tourists, it is a place that you really understand the convergence of international culture, both past and present.. gallary after gallary there are never ending artifacts to see, sculptures to admire and the way of life to understand.. from asian to european to egyptian to greek to roman to african, seemingly one walk brings you through the history of each region, yet that walk awakens the knowledge that there is so much, perhaps too much, to see and learn that it will be a journey which will never end.. 2 hours in the met and i was barely able to finish the history of one region, of which i still could not thoroughly browse through the exhibits before me and immerse in the imagination of life in the past..

on a less cultural note, i have been on a shopping spree since the weekend.. suffering from deprivation of fun for the last week.. i sort of went on retail therapy.. haha and gambling and shopping in altantic city was fun too :) i'm definitely looking forward to my trip for thanks giving.. hope the weather stays like what it was today.. now i noe what they mean by it being a beautiful day.. no rain + warmth haha.. fancy that coming from a singaporean..

25th Hour

2007-11-05T11:48:00.001+08:00

at the 25th hour of the day, it's good to take the extra hour to reflect on my life in New York..

today is the return of day light saving, which came to me as a surprise only when I was gently reminded that I have earned one more hour in everything.. a pleasant surprise esp when I seem to be running out of time all the way over here.. the pace is fast, perhaps because life is good and exciting, meeting new people, doing new things, learning new skills..

food has not been the best.. but so long as i don't get lazy i generally won't starve.. sometimes i just feel like pampering myself to some good food.. so i splurge :) well i splurge by the Singapore standards.. but i think it's normal over here in NY.. and i'm getting used to the prices.. dorm is more like home now.. though i can't say that i don't miss my fluffy bed and the many conveniences of real home.. well it gets more appealing as the weather turns colder.. coz it's the only place that we'll probably find warmth..

school has been busy.. and as usual i don't know how to balance my work and play considering that i'm on exchange.. but i think i'm doing justice to my efforts i put in and my pride.. results haven't been fantastic.. but they are passable in my terms.. self satisfied.. perhaps some may think i spend far too much time on work and too little on play.. but maybe i just can't help it.. frankly, however, there is a lot more to look forward in school over here.. the wise professors, the scope of knowledge and the learning for the s ake of learning and not results.. comparisons may be cruel, but i now understand the reason for the differences which i never seemed to understand before..

i have been realising many dreams over here.. many things i once dreamt abt but never thought it was so easily possible.. or perhaps they are always so easily possible, but within my comfort zone back home i never thought of going out to realise them.. perhaps one of the things i've done most over here is watching sports and broadway shows.. one dream which was paved carefully was my watching of Federer live in action.. and his winning the championship in the US Open.. i've watched baseball, ice hockey and just came back from an NBA match today..

what is most worth mentioning is my night at Les Miserables.. it was one of the first musicals i have encountered in my life, when they came to Singapore almost 8 years ago for the performance.. still a primary school student, i hardly knew what musical was.. but when i was exposed to the music and the dvd of les miserables shortly after, it has been music that is familiar to me.. watching it live on stage has been one of my dreams, and dreams they are for more than 8 years.. the many tests and the lack of sleep couldn't seem to dampen my excitement as i approached the theatre and walked into the grand setting.. and as i sat there thinking abt the songs and trying to remember them, the curtains were drawn and the prologue played.. the familiar melody impacted me as much i wanted to cry, and it didn't take long for my tears to fall.. i hardly could control myself yet i couldn't understand why.. every moment was a dream come true, as i tried so hard to cherish the music the atmosphere and the emotions within, hoping to grasp them but knowing they will soon slip by.. and as i stopped trying to reason my feelings and gave way to my heart, it was one of the most emotional times i had watching a performance.. so much so that i could hardly continue on..

as the music ended and the curtains came down, i stood up almost immediately and applauded for the voices which sang to my heart, and the performances which were brought to life by professional actors/actresses.. i asked myself: can anything be better? i know deep down that i am convinced without giving other musicals a chance that nothing can be in comparison.. perhaps because it bears special meaning to me.. perhaps because it has been familiar to me almost all my meaningful life.. and as i tried to savour the last bit of the night by taking photos, lucky star was shining upon me..

we soon realised that people were waiting outside a door at the outside of the theatre, and i started to guess that it was an opportunity to meet the performers and if we were lucky, get some autograph and photos with them.. and indeed i got lucky.. signatures on top of photos.. i was totally over the moon.. smiling almost silly just being in close proximity, not to mention in the embrace, with the stars i admire so much on stage.. i dreamt this moment before, but never knew it would ever come true..

the withdrawal symptoms were expected.. as a week has passed and i've not yet wiped out the excitement that those moments could bring me.. continue dreaming perhaps.. because they might all come true :)

shoplifting

2007-10-25T11:33:00.000+08:00

i witnessed a crime committed in New York City -- shoplifting.. it was one faithful day that i went along to time square, dressed up and ready to watch the muscial "Rent".. only to find out that the careless me forgot to collect my tickets from school.. hence, barred entry for that day with all my other friends in the theatre already, i went shopping along Time Square..

walking along the crowded streets with colourful billboards, i realised i have not shopped around the area before.. happily feeling the atmosphere full of life, i walked into a cosmetic shop nearby.. it's been a while since i've invested in make up and all, so i was truly taking my time playing around with everything there was on the shelf.. after spending some time walking around, i went back to the shelf nearest to the entrance and was carefully taking my pick..

a man walked beside me and started taking various bottles of cosmetics quickly off the shelf.. i turned to look at him, half surprised abt his interests in certain products and half impressed with his knowledge of the products such that he could decide to buy them without looking carefully at price and material he chose.. in that spilt second he walked out of the shop through the revolving door, and started running as soon as he exited..

a shoplifter! it took me so much by surprise that i stood rooted to the ground, not believing what i just witnessed.. and when i was able to start thinking again i realised the flaw in the layout of the store.. no security to prevent such things from happening.. and somehow nothing struck me to approach someone to tell them about the whole incident.. no one seemed to have witnessed it.. the shocking incident for me..

the many "first times"

2007-10-25T09:50:00.000+08:00

i shall post date this entry to my trip in toronto and montreal, which stole one of my long weekends away from the great New York.. it was a trip against all odds, with everything which could go wrong going wrong.. yet it was an interesting experience with the many "first times" in my life..

first time i traveled on a significantly long trip under my own planning combined with the rest of my travel counterparts, of which my half hearted nature placed myself in many situations of uncertainty.. and hence many situations of choicelessness in the end.. i can only say its the frantic experience being a good lesson for my future trips.. in my attempt to save some money, we decided to take a grey hound to toronto.. overnight bus which lasted for 10 hours on paper, ended up as a 15hr trip to canada.. as a result of missing our bus from toronto to niagara falls, we decided to stop directly at niagara falls, which is in between US and toronto.. a well thought out plan because we managed to be at niagara at our designated time.. so when people are watching the falls with carefree and relaxing minds, we were doing the same, with slightly more burden -- our luggages.. vowed never to take the grey hound again, it was our choice of transportation back to New York from Montreal.. that's the power of a monopoly..

first time i got drenched in the rain.. with my jeans totally wet and my luggage and bag entirely soaked in rainwater.. and enduring it in the aircon of a train for the next 5 hours.. on a beautiful morning in toronto the group of us decided to take a walk to the train station to catch the train to montreal.. at the same time being able to appreciate the sights and sound of the city along the way.. stopping for hot dog as breakfast, little drops of rain started to patter upon us.. harmless we thought, it soon turned out to be a downpour which an umbrella can hardly save u from.. the last 5 minutes of the walk was completely unforgettable for me.. my passport got drenched and my travel signature which allows me to enter US got smudged.. my ipod was went but working, my camera was perpetually blurred.. my phone had water droplets condensed within..

first time i lost my phone.. first time i left the hotel without double checking my room.. and i left my phone in the room and only realised it when i arrived in New York.. it got pocketed i believe.. so i had to undergo a few days of depression before replacing my sim card and getting my extra phone out.. fortunately for my extra phone.. but my contacts......

first time i participated in active gambling.. one of which was extremely exciting, nerve wrecking.. i finally understood the mind of a gambler and for many moments in the casinos, i was one of them.. i never understood jackpots and the notion that people will involve themselves in a sure lose game.. but as i sat in front of one for the sake of manually pulling the shaft of the jackpot, i realised it was a highly addictive game.. especially when u taste ur first win.. greed is the driver which spurs you on to want to taste more of the sweet victory.. in turn what is given up is more than what is won.. i distance myself away from the gambling tables at first, but my risk adveristy was overcome by the idea that i should be paying for the adrenaline rush in a casino.. and a 20 dollar investment became 25 then 20 then in no time it was gone.. and my disbelief in the law of averages on the game made me decide to invest in another 20 dollars more, and in no time i was down to 5 dollars on hand.. it was hard to draw a stop at the "tolerance level", a limit on the amt of money to lose, because part of u believes that you can earn back at least some bit of what you lost.. well at least i won back a little.. so i did cut losses in that sense..

first time i went on a trip knowing i had a test the day later.. and my usual habit of bringing notes along didn't help me much during the holiday i had.. but the test turned out well.. better than i expected :)

thoughts on a busy day

2007-10-04T05:45:00.000+08:00

technically i should be studying.. i've got my first mid term here at NYU tmr on investment banking.. and i really ought to be studying coz i have got little sense of the financial world.. but here i am writing a blog post, thanks to a constant voice at the back of my mind urging me to continue writing.. well the consolation is that i have completed my assignment due tomorrow as a result of skipping one class.. which i spent time convincing myself that i will watch the webcast when exams are nearing.. well, there's always tomorrow..

life over here has been fun.. but the only problem is that there are so many things to do with so little time.. it's hard to balance.. for a person who have studied all my life, to care less about results and grades.. but am i missing out on other things when i bind myself down to principles of life? i want to live my life over here, i told myself before i came over.. i've done a lot, but somehow things are tying me down.. too much concern, too much consideration.. i fear many things.. i fear that time is slipping by.. i fear that i will turn back and realise i haven't done enough over here.. i fear that i will regret not going out of my comfort zone to do many things..

do environments really change people? new york is indeed diverse, where when u meet a new person u do not assume that they are from this city.. i've seen so many different people over here, different cultures, different backgrounds, different thinking and values.. i come to wonder, are we innately different? or is it where we were brought up, the places and people we interact with.. i tend to believe that we are in fact, more similar than we all think we are.. human nature.. perhaps i want to believe that there is good in everyone.. there is part of us that is true and sincere, that there is part of us bears the child like innocence.. even those people you frown upon the hear the crazy things they do.. even those people you believe have a non existent value system, even those outrageous youths out on the streets..

culture and art.. what makes art good art? that's totally the question i had in my mind when i was in the Musuem of Modern Arts.. some of them were beautiful works, some of them i cannot really understand.. i believe it appeals to different people as we all relate to visuals differently.. something good to one may not be good to another.. perhaps i cannot try to understand, but at least i'll try to appreciate them.. but to me music is universal.. or more like musicals.. my very first musical over here was the Lion King!! and i totally loved the stage play and the costumes.. and the way they portray the animals.. it was very well done and it was one which reminded me of very simple things in life.. perhaps things don't need to be so complicated?

things to look forward to: canada trip (tmr for 5 days), phantom of the opera for the third time (11th Oct), hopefully ice hockey (13th Oct; crosses fingers), and yes supposedly a lot of plans to go to hershey's park and six flags, halloween (30th Oct), then hopefully washington, boston, atlantic city and florida soon... i just hate planning though..

philadelphia

2007-09-26T13:35:00.000+08:00

i'm starting to backdate now.. since i have really not been udpating abt my life over here.. so on the 4th week that i'm over here in NYC, we visited phily, the place which houses the best business school in the world :) fortunately for my brother who had a great fren over there, i sort of got myself a guide to the place..

i loved wharton and U Penn! i think it's coz it was quite different from the city campus over here at NYU.. it has a campus feeling.. where u could sit on the grass and seek inspiration from the ancient buildings of beautiful architecture.. felt like hogwarts or something haha.. and at that point in time i really wondered why i didn't choose to go overseas to study for my university career.. the amount of global banks and big names trying to court the students over there is HUGE.. as compared to back home i guess.. but then again it may also be coz of the difference in school fees we pay and hence the reputation we get..

well after campus tour we went to have phily cheese steak! super fattening! but it was good stuff really hahaha.. then we went shopping at south street which is the "bugis" of phily.. there were actually 8 of us together.. so the speed in which we were moving was kinda slow.. as i felt bad abt making my bro's fren feel like a tour guide and trying to make sure everyone was fine with everything, i sort of felt obliged and responsible in some way.. oh well i foresaw that coming actually, but no doubt we did have fun.. there are many things left undone over there though, like old city and the "orchard road" of phily.. so i most probably make another trip back there again.. ahhhh no time!

we met up with bobby and nadiah in the evening and i managed to vist the phily museum! which was among one of the things i wanted to do.. and i was brought into a very cultural world of art and history which interests me a lot.. we didn't manage to finish looking at everything in the museum coz of the lack of time and the abundance in space and information within, but i believe i enjoyed my time in there.. it totally reminded me that i have not visited a single musuem in NYC! what a failure man... haha i'll try to find time to do all that.. sigh..

dinner was great over there too.. and i totally didn't want to leave the place.. but the crowd was too huge and i guess everyone was tired.. we only managed to take the last bus back in the end though.. so we reached back only at around 1am the next morning.. i actually still had the energy to visit a party which was held in the residence hall organised by a fellow exchange student.. and then we moved up to the lounge and continued drinking till late.. quite late actually.. haha yea we do have random beer drinking sessions just among the 3 of us singaporeans :)

the time of my life

2007-09-23T08:59:00.000+08:00

i believe i owe this to everyone.. because i want to share this whole exciting experience with those who would listen.. though once again i suffer from inertia and have neglected my blog.. thanks to those who urge me to continue writing and updating :)

the long anticipated day finally arrived, 9th of September 2007.. i think i'll never forgot this day because it marked the time of my life.. telling people that I have tickets to US Open LIVE for the men's singles finals was something which made everyone envious.. and as i dutifully watched every match paving towards the finals at madison square park sitting on the grass with a crowd of audience, it was already something which i would not have opportunity to do back home.. and the thought that i were to watch the world's best tennis player LIVE in action.. i could never imagine the excitment in me before it truly unfolds..

traveling to flushing meadows was no extraordinary feat, since we sort of mastered our way around by subway.. it was understanding and controlling my own anticipation and apprehension that was the challenge.. i made sure i had my camera with full battery and memory space for the big day.. and seemingly only taking photos seem to be the only way to show the excitment.. to make sure we had the time for shopping and immersing in the atmosphere then watching the match, we set out in the morning..

alighting from the subway station brought the long bridge leading to the stadium before my eyes.. with the patriotic american flags and the little US Open ones in between, the place was transformed into the route towards the big match..

the craze or MY craze began once we walk past the entrance and i saw the first federer image.. and subsequently my camera got really busy because there were so many of his posters and adverts around yet i couldn't bear to give any of them a miss from my memory.. anyway i've paid 185 bucks for the ticket to enter into the tennis centre as well :)

we realised that half an hour of shopping was terribly insufficient.. luckily due to our oversight on the schedule of woman's doubles finals first before the men's singles finals, we did have enough time in the end.. turned out that we managed to sit at court side for the first match.. and the view was fantastic! too bad we didn't get to sit there for the men's finals.. oh well i didn't exactly have thousands of dollars to spare on the tickets.. we went out after the first set of the woman's doubles finals to have lunch and shop around some more.. and of course more adrenaline build up when the time to the match of the year drew closer..

i bought a polo ralph t shirt which says US Open 2007, a very classic design for this year's US Open series.. and while i was looking for a cap on this very sunny day, i chanced upon a cap which says RF.. no prizes for guessing what it stands for.. but it is unique in that it is not sold elsewhere and it represents some sort of support the the great Roger Federer.. it's a guy's cap though but it didn't deter me from buying it hahaha.. so for the whole day i was so happy wearing that cap feeling empowered and supportive :) of course the match had to start but there was this whole program for the opening ceremony of the final match of the season.. there was a march displaying the US Flag while the US national anthem was being sung live by a great singer, there was air display and i was there sitting in the crowd waiting for the world's best tennis player to appear.. with A LOT of anticipation..

camera's snapped incessantly as he walked out, all in black, with his huge tennis bag slinged over his shoulder.. he was small enough to be insignificant from my view, but his impact on me was amazingly and surprisingly great.. i nearly cried when i saw him before my eyes.. i recalled miah's words on the subway trip there, that we used to be miles away from each other till this day, when our paths converge.. watching him play was a spetacular view, as he does it with lots of grace and confidence and composure.. even as he was on the losing end at the start of the first 2 sets, his consistency and experience gave him an edge over the younger opponent.. i was so worried and fidgity when he was on the down side that i was talking to him.. the encouraging words.. miah prob thot i was obsessed or something.. was he lucky? perhaps.. but in this game, luck plays some role as well i guess.. at the end of 3 sets, he claimed the title for the 4th time.. i was half hoping the game would extend into a forth set to see him play some more great tennis, but i was glad it ended in this way as well..

as he held up the cup to show off the result of his works, i felt immense pride as well.. how long will he stay the king of tennis? i don't really know.. but at least i have seen him LIVE in action, the legend of my time.. as we stand to take the last photo in an almost empty stadium, i think abt the last view i saw him being interviewed by the media and swarmed with fans.. well, i took my fair share of excitment in the wilson shop, wearing his cap, taking his racket with his signature on it, and a picture of him which is now happily stuck on my wall.. perhaps i am slightly obsessed.. just slightly ;)

of strange people and gay encounters

2007-09-03T22:27:00.000+08:00

frankly i was disappointed when I first set foot on this city.. because i thot this place to be one with excitement and happening moments all day and night.. perhaps it is the liberal state of mind and impression I hold about this country and city.. my conclusion is, however, that strange people do exist over here.. in fact it holds a substantial amount of them over here..

walking from school to china town that day, we stopped by when we spotted a japanese restaurant coz we were on the lookout for food as usual.. and we decided to start reading the name of the restaurant in jap.. happily figuring it out, we continued on our way.. behind us were 2 young punks who started to make funny noises and speak weirdly in jap.. and it was a tone that gave me the goosebumps really.. i could guess what it was all about.. but fortunately I couldn't understand a word he was saying.. the problem was that I didn't dare do anything at all but I was quite scared really.. and it actually went on for a couple of streets before they decided that we were no fun at all.. after that we had a good look at the guy's faces and I was appalled to see an asian face.. oh well.. that wasn't excatly my idea of excitement..

well another incident was one which was a little sad yet funny yet upsetting.. it was dinner at a seafood place with supposedly good cod fish and we realised that we were all in need of some good food.. there was apparently some sort of communication breakdown because the people there somehow cannot understand english.. (not coz we speak singlish k) so when the restaurant manager took a wrong order for us, he sort of insisted that we were in the wrong and not him.. when we were all so sure that we made another order he went in a sacarstic tone "eat, eat".. so we couldn't be bothered with him.. a couple of times he walked past our table he did that.. then the next time he walked to our table he was very nice and he asked how are things and all.. so we concluded that he was drunk.. coz he was obviously drinking.. then something interesting happened.. a bird flew into the restaurant.. alright.. i overeacted before knowing it was a bird.. i thought it was a flying rat hahaha.. and the manager started clapping and saying bravo.. then he told us that his father passed away the week before and it was probably his spirit here to say goodbye.. and then we concluded that he was not high on alcohol but more like down in depression.. i forgave him for everything else.. even when he tried to charge us for the wrong order.. but they waived it in the end :)

and while we were dining, we saw many guy pairs around.. well to me, the less observant person, i didn't think that it was a big deal and i thot that thinking them gay was being too sensitive.. but i realised when they started walking together that they were indeed of a different sexual orientation.. and then there was a revelation that we were actually dining in a gay town.. along the streets and in pubs and bars, it was quite evident.. and we actually went into a gay shop.. ok i was hesistating so much at the door but in the end curiosity won.. coz we'll never get stuff like that back home.. i was wondering if we would be beaten up while in the shop coz i couldn't help my state of shock and my frens couldn't help the exclamations and the laughter.. the fact of we were girls prob meant that we didn't have any business in there.. it was an overdose of adult material to me yet eye opening in terms of the word 'liberal'.. i couldn't help looking at the people who were looking at the people who enter the shop and look at the things on the shelf.. so much for gay encounters..

walking the streets of NYC

2007-09-01T00:32:00.001+08:00

while I reside for the next half a year in a place almost half the way around the globe from Singapore, it becomes so impt to keep in contact.. to keep updating.. to keep blogging.. maybe i've been guilty because this is the 5th day i'm here in NYC.. and only now have I started to overcome inertia to let people around me know about my life over here..

don't blame me.. though I perhaps blame myself that little bit.. settling in is no easy task.. esp for someone who brought over 51kg worth of luggage.. haha moving from the airport to the hostel was something I could not have accomplished without the help of my great fren traveling with me.. luckily he had much less luggage than me.. airport was a rather traumatic expereince when after paying 3 bucks for a trolley, you realise that the elevator is spoilt and when 2 people start taking your luggage for you, you realise that they start walking separate directions! it doesn't help when u're not sure whether the front desk of your residence can check you in at 9pm on a Sunday, and surely it's tiring when you realise that you have lost your temp residence card is the short span of 2 hours..

but reaching the hostel was a great relief, because after 19 hrs in the air, you somehow feel happy that you have landed safely and you've got a bed to sleep in and a bathroom to shower in.. even though sleeping without a blanket is still extremely cold for me.. haha so settling in and unpacking successfully was a great feeling for me.. food here is quite expensive.. so we often go for budget meals in china town which is my favourite place haha.. gotta start our cooking schedule soon of course!

my memory of NYC was not fantastic as i never quite saw the wonders of the city within the short 2 days i was here the last time.. but time square is fantastic! I love time square and I finally understand why the craze over this particular part of the city.. it's where all the colours and billboards and musicals and shops and wonders are.. almost everything you want you can find there.. fifth avenue is definitely a place to vist if u're rich and you wanna spend money haha.. but also a place for poor students like me to go wow around.. because the boutiques are all so unique in their own way, occupying at least 3 stories of a particular building..

of course we visited wall street, financial district.. we spent ages looking for the bull which we realised isn't of many people's interest in the place itself.. but finally seeing the bull is a happy thing.. something accomplished for us.. we also visited ground zero which was a saddening experience for me..

i've been walking soooo much that I ended up limping towards the nights.. because sometimes we try to see as many things as we can on foot.. and of course coz subways are not cheap either.. other than making sure that we don't end up going the wrong direction, going the wrong direction mentions paying again.. so we always try to make sense of our confusing subway lines before we embark on our journey..

let the pictures say the unsaid words..

Stern School of Business! It's a fabulous building and NYU actually stretches across many streets.. it's everywhere! haha with purple flags.. oh and i'm soooo amazed with the NYU library.. it's so grand it's beautiful..

the famed bull at wall street.. fortunately we found it after our relentless efforts..

my favourite picture of time square.. what I call a hua hua shi jie..

walls of M&M chocolates!!! and i really mean WALLS... haha

pooh and tigger with me!! haha don't be mistaken.. i wasn't in orlando or disneyland.. i was on fifth avenue.. in a disney shop of course.. an amazing place i doubt children will wanna go out of as soon as they come in..

fairy tales

2007-08-22T00:38:00.000+08:00

i often think with a rational mind, question the possibility and truth, critic as an adult the whole naiveness of it all.. but sometimes it is beautiful to just believe.. unwavering.. that fairy tales perhaps may come true..

waiting

2007-08-20T21:17:00.000+08:00

there's so much to look forward to.. as the excitment turned into apprehension and now turning back into excitment once again, it's interesting how a highly anticipated trip can finally come true.. three weeks ago while doing my internship, two weeks ago during my trip to shanghai, I could hardly imagine it all unfold.. but as i started out unpacking then deciding that i should start packing again, i'm preparing myself day by day, both physically and mentally..

i have successfully overcome lots of inertia and began packing, only to find myself somewhat stuck with loads of things to bring and deciding which are the absolutely necessary ones.. winter clothing seems all too simple for me, since i've been a tropical creature for my whole life, packing them all in sounded not too big a feat.. but then i realised that i did possess quite a substantial amount of winter wear along the years, taking up almost a full luggage worth of it.. still, i'm feeling awkward abt dressing for the winter for an extended period of time.. considering it's gonna be rather warm when i first arrive and that i'll be going through both fall and winter, it's actually quite a bit of thinking to do before i pack..

this week is the week i'm trying to settle everything properly.. extracted my wisdom tooth after a rather interesting, painless yet traumatic experience.. visited my dentist, going to visit a doctor, meet up with friends, some of whom i perhaps have not met for ages.. remembering to eat all the local food, clearing my debts, claiming my assets.. it is indeed a good time to be doing things i may not even think of doing for the next 6 months were i in singapore..

waiting.. that's what i've been doing for almost the entire year.. it seems like this part of the year will be determinant of the entire 2007 for me.. it seems like i have drawn a close to my nus career for the moment, to begin something different in a foreign land.. will i be saddened? will i miss home? will i miss the conveniences and the dependence? will i get a culture shock? will i be unable to adapt? these questions doesn't seem to linger more than required, and i really want to be able to experience the goods and bads myself.. a life i lead on my own, as i answer to myself and no one else..

刹那的永恒

2007-07-12T00:19:00.000+08:00

不忍再回头多望他一眼，因为不愿再次感受那种种的尴尬。。一切如何开始的，就让它如何地结束。。

阴错阳差，或许就是如此。。似乎是月老绑的红线，另一端早已松了，这一端却又仍然缠绕着我。。奇妙的缘分成为天意弄人，因为深知有缘无份。。曾经数次抱着极度期待却以失望收场，我遍体鳞伤，试着学习如何付出而不要求回报。。终于明白，从一开始根本就不该有所奢求。。

然而，当一直期盼的天赐良机落在眼前之时，我仍然无法抗拒之中的诱惑。。我毫不犹豫更肆无忌惮地接受，打从心里的兴奋早已无法掩饰。。颤抖，不只是因为畏惧身负的重责大任，更是因为正要达成一年多以来努力冲刺，排除万难的目标。。虽然过程出乎意料之外，但终究是梦寐以求的结果。。

傻笑。。那是我唯一能够做的。。因为那是一种言语无法形容的骄傲，像似有一股冲动，想大声告诉每一个人，那站在台上胸有成竹地献词，创造壮举的神话，是我的朋友，我的挚交。。我们不单单在课业课余一同合作过，也有荣升至相互关心与了解的知心好友。。那是我经营许久的关系，是一份难能可贵的友谊。。心中涌现的光荣，欲言又止的字句，却因太在意他可能持有的看法而再次把一切埋在心底。。害怕失去的当而，只能静静欣赏而傻笑，擦肩而过而傻笑，目光相投而傻笑。。

如今要求的友情，或许也是一厢情愿的错误，。。太敏感了? 可能吧。。毕竟对他的反应已经不在我的掌控之下。。我因自己的羞涩而气愤，因他的冷漠而伤心，因每一次相遇的如履薄冰而放弃。。一次又一次地重复着这个游戏，我身心疲惫。。厌倦自己的懦弱，踌躇不前，若近若离，把所有的一切复杂化。。死灰复燃？他占据我心中的特别位置，因超越简单凡俗的爱情而‘无可取代’。。他对我的影响，更是远远出乎我自己所愿意承认的。。明眼人早已心里明白，了解我的朋友对我的再三否认更是心照不宣。。但我仍不以为然。。或许是当局者迷，但我宁可自欺欺人，也不想再次走进那明知需要回头的路。。

提起笔写起他已经成为一种不经意的习惯。。往事仍历历在目，但现实早已面目全非。。远处眺望着他，像似第一次相遇一样。。唯一不同的，是不再迎面而上前，而是背对而离别。。相识是一种荣幸。。这些日子的相知是一种赏赐。。如今不敢奢望友情，只不过是以开始的情境作为终结。。抵达了人生的分岔路口，以为我会自然地让所有因时间而随风消逝。。但我坚持对他的好，应该称之为细心备至还是多此一举，早已混浊不清。。

从来没有想到，两年前的那一刹那，竟会成为永恒。。

a recount

2007-07-10T23:45:00.000+08:00

non mandarin to entertain my frens who cannot understand what I am writing about in my following post haha.. and those who can understand the language but don’t noe what I’m talking abt.. so life’s been the same for the past weeks again, with bits of happy stuff in the middle :) I can’t seem to stay awake at this moment with my eye lids getting heavy and feeling really tired.. some of fellow peers have already stopped their internships.. many will be ending really soon.. as for me.. I’ve still got another 4 weeks in line for me..

Reading continues, “The Game” I borrowed from cai abt pick up artists and the secrets behind it all.. (supposedly it’s a guy book and it’s weird to some for a girl to be reading it) and my constant supply from the library.. puzzling has stopped since I found dust collecting again on my table coz apparently no cleaning can be done with the huge item on my table.. and of course after much realization that I do not actually have much time to do it after all.. Other than that leisure time is for going out with frens which I did much of it for the past few weeks..

It’s been a fulfilling after work week since 2 weeks ago.. My spirits have been up since Thursday, except for the occasional grumpiness when I’m sleepy.. they are definitely worth mentioning..

*Thursday
“Inspirational, phenomenal, legendary.” Sounds like a book review eh? Haha it’s more a review on my attending commencement ceremony on Thursday. First clarification to prove my innocence- I did not plan it! It really came as a surprise for me.. pleasant surprise though.. my school called me up on Tuesday to ask if I could attend the ceremony to play the role of accompanying and entertaining the guest alumni speaker.. alright I’m a little guilty here coz I din think I could give up this opportunity to attend the event and play that role for more reasons than one.. and as I attempted to take leave from work coz of it it was more easier than anyone can imagine..

Being the only student weaving in and out of the VIP room with all the profs and big shots around was a great experience.. and trying to stay confident in a conversation with the VIPs was good training for me too.. I din think I did badly.. but it wasn’t fantastic either.. I felt that the time was too short to do anything more though.. I’m not a wonderful conversationalist, which makes me wonder more their choice of person.. no matter.. I got my entry to the graduation of my seniors! What more can I say.. the moments of fame and glory were totally as my review describes..

After doing my job which lasted not too long after the end of the ceremony coz big shots usually were busy people, I again won myself the opportunities to search for seniors I know to congratulate them.. I din noe too many.. but at the same time I din noe that I knew that many considering that I kept myself occupied for an hour or two.. many of whom I just bumped into and were more than happy to stop and talk with them..

*Friday
MYJARS @ Sakura buffet for Jane’s birthday celebration!!! Was a good meal with no regard for the term appetizers or desserts.. just whack haha..
My phone was running out of batt but thankfully xin offered to exchange phone with me..
Jane’s fantastically impressive directions saved me some money in traveling to Clarke quay coz I managed to take a bus instead of a cab..
Went to chill at Clarke Quay with BizAd mates after they attended commencement night.. which I wanted to go but 21st birthday celebration was more impt no matter what.. so I got a full update through that I guess.. nothing much I missed though.. I was walking along Clarke quay to find my frens when I realized the thriving night life in Singapore.. I liked it actually.. minus the loud music.. we hopped from a bar which seemed more like a club to me.. to McDonalds hahaha.. such an unlikely place to be in clarke quay.. but I believe many of us appreciated the environment favourable for conversation..

*Saturday
Walking along Singapore river during the early morning to get to a car to get me a lift back home.. When I reached home, turned on my computer to check my email, and I realized that housing in NYU is allowing me to stay on campus!!! So finally I have accommodation which I have been searching so hard for and got upset over so many times.. I finally resolved this whole problem and can put this huge issue aside.. at least I’m not guilty when I go out at night now on the basis that I should be staying home to settle my accommodation asap.. logistics came in from NYU which further gave me a grasp of what’s going on which made me feel a lot more secure..

Enjoyed the luxury of sleeping at 3am and waking up at 11am :) I missed my weekly dose of exercise.. yes so I have a serious feeling that I’ve just grown so much fatter.. and unhealthier..

Went shopping thereafter for presents.. thankful for the company! I realized this week is the week of many birthdays for VIPs in my circle of trust.. a happy thing though sometimes mind boggling.. no matter.. I had 1 present settled and 2 presents in mind.. well the 4th.. I need a wish list haha..

*Sunday
Slept till 11 plus, went to lunch at my clubhouse followed by the movie Blood Diamond.. yes if u don’t realize it’s actually a rather old movie already.. well it’s just up for screening in my clubhouse for free.. was a good movie.. though it was rather depressing.. reminds me of Hotel Rwanda.. and makes me think abt the source of all the beautiful things in the world.. diamonds?

Went shopping for present again after that hahaha.. thankful for the company once again! I probably learnt more abt ties then I ever did for the last 21 years.. it was hard to choose.. but I’m happy with what I got in the end.. it looked classy, young, stylish yet not flashy.. haha ok it was consensus that the choice was good.. and the service was good and the packaging was more than I could ask for.. now for the present presentation part hahaha.. which I haven’t quite figured out..

WIMBLEDON finals!!!! Oh well I’m guilty.. for having little faith in the Great Roger Federer.. sigh but it’s really coz I care so much that I couldn’t bear to see him lose.. and I really thought he would lose given his track record at playing 5 setters.. and he was really struggling so hard that I was at the edge of my seat.. so nervous for him.. it’s weird how I can be so animated while watching a tennis match.. any sort of match of a competitive nature in fact.. of course I knew that he held most dear the Wimbledon title so that added to the adrenaline.. well maybe as we all say.. he’d prob lose if I’d watched.. so I’m glad to give up watching if it gave him the championship title :)

While I turned off the tv after the his apparent loss at the 4th set, I tried to sleep but to no avail. But I refused to wake up and turn on the tv to watch because I refuse to watch him beaten.. not long after though I was awakened to the pleasant fact that federer won!!! :) ok I think he was really lucky and it was good choice not watching considering how close it was.. though the scoreline seems to imply otherwise.. but I heard the 5 setter made federer a person we have never seen before.. losing his cool and showing his emotions.. I would have wanted to see that though his composure had been one of the traits I admired so much.. well after that I thot I could sleep in peace.. but it was too much excitement that I couldn’t get to sleep again..

*Monday
Suffered from severe lack of sleep, had a rather tough time at work trying to stay awake.. went for dinner with uni frens.. realized that gst was compounded onto service charge.. so technically the addition is more than 2%.. and I never realized that till I was doing the computation to split the bill and a fren told me.. maybe that’s coz I’m usually not the person doing the computation hahaha.. realized that everyone there would be going on exchange except a senior the rest happened to bump into and invite to join us for dinner.. and it’s really quite soon.. a month plus?? I’m not sure if I’m prepared for it..

*Tuesday
I’m in serious need of shopping and kbox.. and I’m writing this during work..

Of luck love and life..

2007-06-22T01:29:00.001+08:00

No one can probably guess that I wrote this post on the office on my office notebook, saved it in my thumb drive and went home to publish on my blog.. for 2 reasons.. One, I have neglected my blog and I’m guilty for that, but I really don’t have time to sit down and write an entry when I reach home. Two, I am really bored in the office and need to often pretend I’ve got work, yet I do not have the internet which u won’t come to realize how dependent u are on it till u lose it..

After reconciliation, I’ve decided to exploit the best of both worlds and use the time that I have in excess during work to do something I can’t find time to do after work haha.. it’s a wonder how I learn to entertain myself so well but then again practice makes perfect.. I guess after weeks of boredom u’ll come up with amazing ways and means of keeping urself occupied inconspicuously..

Ages since I last blogged.. and even longer since I last went online to chat.. in other words I’ve been lost in contact with the rest of the world.. many things had happened since, some good, some bad, some undefined.. I feel like I’ve been moving on my life without substantial fulfillment and achievement these months.. it’s bad.. coz we’re all supposed to live our life to the fullest everyday.. but somethings cannot be helped I guess.. when circumstances don’t allow..

*
Luck comes in 2 forms, good and bad ones.. cherish them while the good ones last, and take them in ur stride when bad ones befall upon u.. precisely because luck is involved, there isn’t much u can do to salvage, because it is beyond human intervention.. I saw good luck at a lucky draw in a quarterly company event, where I supposedly won 20 bucks shopping voucher by being among 26 of those voting for the most popular project name.. I was supposed to collect the prize from my big big big boss, but it wasn’t exactly ready for me at that time.. well till now it hasn’t been ready for me yet anyway.. guess they probably conveniently forgot abt it since it’s an intern who won it.. so much for the good luck..

Things come in pairs.. so when there’s good luck in lucky draws, more often than not it may overrun into bad ones.. balloting for housing in NY have been a luck filled experience for me, since I among so many others have been the lucky few chosen not to receive NYU housing.. meaning I’ve gotta go scout for my own apartment housing in the city for my exchange program.. disastrous as it was when I first received the news.. that meant a lot more work in planning coz I’ll need to do my own search and a lot more money involved coz renting off campus naturally costs more.. then there’s the problem of being separated from the crowd and my fellow NY goers from NUS.. and then I have to worry abt my own safety in the city when I get home everyday.. and the guilt and dilemma of dragging a fren out of on campus housing to stay with me off campus.. hmm.. so much for the bad luck..

*
Love comes in many forms.. but the basis of it all remains the same.. show that u love the people around you.. because love isn’t enough juz kept within urself.. I learnt that lately.. was a very painful and depressing experience.. but I learnt something out of it.. I’m not a person who knows how to express it well.. but I guess somethings gotta change..

Love in a friendship is great.. as in purely between friends.. but you’ll come to realize that interaction beyond day to day meet ups and lunches and movies will allow u to know more abt ur frens as well as urself.. that love in the relationship can be all accommodating for some.. but it can’t be for others.. especially when we are grown ups we tend to have ideas of our own.. and when they differ.. it’s hard to reconcile the differences.. it’s a delicate balance.. to care for the frenship and to insist on ur own approaches.. in any case.. I still believe that showing the appreciation and respect first is of utmost importance.. I can be a lot more forgiving thereafter..

Love can be for many things.. and I have rekindled my love for reading, puzzling and traveling haha.. well I’ve been borrowing books from the library consistently as usual a mix of mystery thrillers and romance stories.. but I borrowed a classic (other than pride and prejudice) which I believe I’ve never tried reading before.. Great Expectations.. haha I don’t noe whether I’ll get down to reading it actually.. but yea I had the action plan in place haha.. puzzling was a sudden urge coz I happened to see my 2000 piece puzzle lying around when I was searching for something.. I decided to take it out and start piecing them together.. I remember I left off a few years ago when I realized that I’ve completed 1/3 of the puzzle, with a remaining 2/3 of it in all shades of blue and white coz it was the sky and the clouds haha.. so now it’s back on my table.. and I’ll try piecing one or two pieces together everyday.. doubt I can complete it before I leave for NY though..

I love traveling.. and for that I’m willing to do the planning haha.. actually it’s no big deal la I’ve juz printed out the map of cities in Europe and US and starting to think of which places I should visit with my frens.. I think I’m slightly ambitious but I still believe that with careful planning it should work out.. so my US plans are during the semester.. and my Europe plans are after semester with some frens..

US Plans:
Weekend traveling includes Pennsylvania of course have to the famed UPenn and visit my bro’s good fren to get my stuff haha, and of course another fren at NOC there.. includes Boston to visit the famed Harvard and MIT and eat the good food there is there.. next will be Niagara Falls is a definite must go, then there’s Washington DC to visit, and Chicago if it can be done during the weekend.. one Sunday will of course be dedicated to watching the US Open finals J

There are a lot more places in the US that requires longer periods of time.. and since there are only 2 long breaks I can only think of 2 major areas to go.. but I have a feeling there won’t be enough time.. Miami and Orlando to visit the beach area and to visit Disney World! Then of course there’s the West coast which is LA area, San Francisco, Las Vegas, and San Diego.. I think that is slightly difficult coz it covers a lot of places which are not exactly near each other.. hmm I’ll have to work that out..

Europe Plans:
Actually Europe planning lies in the hands of another fren haha.. but my ambitious plans includes Amsterdam à Berlin à Vienna à Rome à Venice à Zurich à Paris à London.. Great I think I’ve sufficiently made people envious of me and think that I’m crazy ahhaha..

*
For everything else not under the above 2 category, I’ve decided to write it here.. for the sake of alliteration of course haha.. otherwise everything can be grouped under life actually.. it’s cliché but I’d still like to say that time flies.. and it waits for no men.. it’s scary how year after year ur life juz goes past and u start asking what u have achieved.. and when I goes to nothing u start of fear.. I feel like my life has been following a strict and narrow path.. and I dare not take the wrong step left or right because forward should be the way to go.. hmm but as I told a fren there are 2 sides in everyone.. hopefully the crazy side of me will emerge more in an environment more liberal than Singapore.. haha NY is definitely a place to start it all..

FOC happened this week.. and yesterday I went to Sentosa to play a fool at SP session after work.. it was half saddening and half fun.. saddening because I felt older once again and this is the 3rd FOC.. when the first is still so vivid in my mind.. and saddening because there were little seniors as compared to the previous years.. but fun because there were still the old people like us and I realized we knew each other.. and we had good catch up sessions while disturbing the sp couples on the beach and eavesdropping on their conversation.. and fun because we have all tried to relive the memories of FOC.. there’s sp night at a club tonight.. I guess I’ll drop by after my dinner appointment.. provided it’s free of course haha…

Several meetups with my JC mates.. and it was interesting to see how we all have grown up yet all remained the same as well.. one worth mentioning is probably a meetup with my JC OG mates.. yes JC OG mates… I seriously think it’s considerable efforts on the organiser’s part because more often than not one person will have to be the one doing the contacting.. I think I’ve never laughed so much for a very long time, because the conversations and the people were juz downright amusing.. somewhat impossible.. but I had not been surprised either.. and once again we recount and we realize again the stories of the past.. as well the untold ones during that time.. what is left is juz beautiful memories because nothing more is needed..

I’ve matured I guess.. to be better able to take setbacks instead of crying over it and demanding for the reason why.. we set standards for ourselves as well as for others, and we often try to meet them without which we will be disappointed.. expectations are good, but they must be realistic and they must allow leeway.. even the best will fail, because we are only human.. we’ll juz have to constantly remind ourselves of that fact, because failures are difficult to swallow with all eyes watching.. they are obstacles along the way which we’ll somehow have to learn to overcome, because life is no smooth road for anyone..

normal weekday, tennis weekend

2007-05-20T22:52:00.000+08:00

work was as usual.. nothing really exciting.. nothing really non exciting.. i'm starting to get used to things though.. talked to more pple, went out chilling with my colleagues, settling myself in and finally understanding what my job scope was..

weekend was as usual too.. enjoying the break the weekend gives and learning to cherish every moment of it to do the things that is necessary and the things i love to do.. played squash and love the thot that i'm exercising.. i seriously need to have some weight loss plan.. finally understanding what i have to do to get my visa.. which i realised that it was an entire list long.. played my computer game.. watched prison break.. too bad wire in the blood got postponed :( but i read my book though should be finishing it tonight.. slept a lot a lot a lot.. haha

well the rest of the time i watched tennis.. :) and i juz came back from watching federer win!! on clay!! haha i think one of the best sports games to watch is tennis.. coz it's always so close and so exciting.. but federer did it this time.. and i have to say that he deserves the win tonight.. well i watched him and nadal at the semis and din really have the same thot yest.. but today he was way too good and for once i truly understand why he still remains his title as the Great Roger Federer.. though i was starting to doubt his ability to maintain that title after he started losing quite a bit.. but it was really great tennis.. so strategic and so intense on the mind and the body.. i hope he does that too in the coming French open.. haha maybe i should really get down to getting my US open tix.. and i'll remember to wear red for him on that day :)

eventful week

2007-05-13T23:36:00.000+08:00

i should be sleeping now, given the experience i had for the past week of being part of the corporate world.. besides squeezing into mrts and trying my best to maximise sleep and minimise probably of being late, it is about making efforts in the internship to stay busy and not bother my supervisors too much for work.. trust me.. having work is always better than having no work in my case.. i spent the first 2 days juz plain reading.. and that was the most painful experience i have ever had.. i have never been so desperate to anticipate the arrival of my laptop, which finally meant that i could quit pretending to be busy when there was absolutely nothing to do, and relieve my guilt of always being the first to leave the office on time.. fortunately people there are understanding and friendly, and i have a fellow intern as company, which allowed me to survive what i call the lost 2 days in my life (with respect to the lost decade for japan haha) what followed was work which i was so happy to receive, and spreadsheets after spreadsheet of data to analyse.. so it wasn't as idiot proof as i thought.. well i proudly used some of my IT skills i learnt haha.. macros! saved me some effort really.. but i believe there's a whole lot to learn at group audit.. as much as it may sound accounting it actually is equity fx and interest rates everyday rather than financial statements.. well it's all too early to say, and indeed i have to admit that i still don't really noe what is going on..

work aside, i was really really grateful for the weekend.. precious weekend really for everyday free time seemed a luxury.. dunno how corporates actually survive.. i wanted to juz stay home and sleep my weekend away, of course considering that i am a person who needs plenty of sleep.. but friday was great with wire in the blood surpassing itself episode by episode.. saturday was great though i had to wake up early for a handover for my cca.. had a good exercise playing squash and i felt so much healthier after which, without the aching i expected to have.. followed by a great dinner! watched nadal-davydenko tennis match which was extremely rewarding.. and slept almost the whole morning away.. it is always the best thing to sleept without having to set the alarm clock.. woke up to watch prison break 2 haha was interesting and exciting looking forward for the next episode! started preparing for mother's day present when my mum went out.. haha no one can guess what present i gave to my mum (upon her own request.. she's really good in demanding her own present haha) went to to mel's birthday party!!! haha happy 21st birthday mel really enjoyed the decorating and talking and ice creaming there though it was short.. went home to celebrate my dad's bday.. yes it was indeed eventful for me.. and finally i gave my mum her present with one eye coz i couldn't remove the contact lens from one of my eye after the umpteemth attempt.. haha so i was techincally spared coz my mum was more worried abt my eye..

reluctant to go to sleep now coz i wanna play my computer games and watch tv.. but i noe i gotta go sleep.. fortunately i'll be on a course tmr so it doesn't demand so much attention i guess.. but i hope it'd be rewarding tmr such that i could finally find out wad's going on around here.. :) the start of another hectic week for me.. i believe this week will be better in terms of work.. and finally i understand why people say that the life of a student is always better.. i muz learn to cherish that really..

peaceful disaster

2007-05-04T00:50:00.000+08:00

disastrous day with a peaceful ending.. tt's probably a good description of today.. the last few days have been alright.. shopping watching movie spending a lot of money.. haha.. prob what people do when they are free involves $, so i spent more than the past month in juz 2 days.. heh :)

the sign to a bad day is waking up realising ur handphone batt is flat and that u have not much time to charge it.. so i smartly brought my charger down to the breakfast area to make sure i don't forget my phone when i step out of the house.. well the story is of course that despite all my efforts, my brain didn't exactly cooperate..

my mood hasn't been really good ever since i permed my hair and din really like the way it turned out.. and today i wanted to dye it hoping it might look less ugly.. and then the hairdresser refused to pick up my call today to let me noe if she'd be there.. alright.. i had to go to the area anyway coz i needed to pick up my contact lenses.. and considering i did not bring my phone my hairdresser couldn't even call me back to let me noe she was in the shop already.. but anyway luckily they managed to contact my mum to tell me and i was there happily noeing that there was a little more hope with my hair then..

great.. i din turn out bad but my mood din really change for the better coz i realised it looked very much the same overall.. after spending $80.. hoping my new contact lenses will make me happier, i went looking for my optician.. great.. my optician wasn't in the shop and he would only be there in an hour's time.. and i had an appoitment with a friend which couldn't spare me that one hour.. my mistake.. i din give him a call and assumed he'd be there as early as his shop opens.. i noe i couldn't spare next week either coz i would have started working, i could only juz hope that somehow i could makedo and end up there next week after work or sth..

wow.. that wasn't very much of a boost to my mood.. so generally i was grumpy and annoyed.. went to look for my mum and dad preparing to go for my appoitment.. i spent the morning without contact lenses looking like a perfect auntie with my permed hair and spectacles because i had to rest them for the optician to check the curvature or sth.. and yes the minute i put in my contact lenses the optician calls my dad (again after failing to contact me on my handphone) and lets me noe that he was there already.. frantically realising i could still make it if it were only gonna take half and hour, i rushed over to the optician again and got my new soft disposable contact lenses.. checking my eyesight was always saddening.. esp when new lenses don't correct astig.. sigh..

new lense, new hair, i realised i would be slightly late to meet my friend now.. great.. the best i could do was to rush there asap.. without a phone.. ok my fren called me 5 times.. my fault i noe.. i couldn't apologise more.. but all turned out well fortunately.. i was a happier person after shopping.. it's perhaps very seldom that i actually buy clothes myself.. and when i was about to buy an office wear shirt.. i had to be out of stock.. haha but that din really dampen my mood that much la.. so i felt like my day was gonna turn out better..

happy shopping, then realising when i got home that i could settle more stuff for exchange like tix and accommodation.. i got happier.. realised a way to make my hair nicer.. i got happier.. well it turned out everything went quite my way in the end.. and it had to be that i realised i don't noe how to remove my lenses.. ok i'm a hard lens wearer since i was 12.. so that's 10 years.. and suddenly telling me that i had to touch my eyeball to pinch out my lenses.. that's like.. ok i don't noe how to do it.. by the time at night i realised my eyes were extremely dry and soft lenses din feel as comfortable as it sounded.. fortunately my bro juz happened to come back home and helped me a great deal over there.. really fortunately.. otherwise i might be spending the night attempting to remove my lenses and being the first ever person who is unsuccessful in that..

a disaster averted with my family's help.. really glad to have this day reminding myself again the importance of them all..

the last for the year..

2007-04-30T23:11:00.000+08:00

after he announced for everyone to put down our pencils, I was watching my biology prof pace up and down the exam hall today.. i knew that meant the last paper for the year.. the last that meant.. it was great.. believe me it was a sense of relief and that freedom awaits behind those doors.. but i couldn't say i dreaded every single moment of studying.. and its perhaps one of the semesters i felt like i've learnt something out of the courses.. and i might juz miss some of the modules..

i voted for this gen bio prof as the best lecturer.. and if i forgot to mention.. he's highly amusing and entertaining.. prob one of the most inspirational and fun loving lecturers i have ever had.. makes ecology and systematics, which somehow cannot be imagined as interesting, interesting.. and somehow linking everything to love.. flowers, symbiosis and whatever not.. haha while i don't see the link sometimes, what i do see is his love for the subject.. and i think it's prob contagious.. i realise my own love for biology and science.. 2 days of intensive studying usually gets me exhausted and annoyed at the end.. but i realise i am amazed by the works and wonders of science.. espeically how dna so intelligently codes for life.. and dna figureprinting.. ok maybe that wasn't such a hidden potential i realised so recently, considering that i once wanted to do forensic science minus the dead bodies.. haha..

well i guess i was slightly guilty after voting for my bio lecturer coz that meant i couldn't give my apb lecturer the same credit.. but i think he didn't actually deserve less.. one of the most rewarding of all business modules is perhaps apb.. businesses and their environments in different countries across asia.. we practically become budding economist readers and professionals on the different economies haha.. and the reasons behind the progress of different countries which may not be that known to layman.. keeps us thinking all the time.. and yet no need to do lots of work.. juz gotta think a lot that's all.. ok gotta admit that studying was a chore coz we were all slacking away considering the less work load.. but the more u study the more u realise the useful insights..

and of course.. asian history.. well i've always loved history.. reading it not so much studying for it.. understanding it not so much going for the exam that i was so annoyed after.. haha but i've definitely learned something out of it.. and it was often a supplement to apb and vice versa..

interestingly i realised that i do not find my other modules, which are both higher level biz modules, that useful after all.. it keeps me thinking whether i'm actually studying the right thing after all.. what's always so exciting in school is the cross faculty modules for me.. haha maybe i should have studied forensic science.. haha or maybe it's juz overdose of detective shows which i enjoy the most.. oh well..

meanwhile.. enjoy before work starts next week.. i love my planning.. pacing seems to me going juz right :)

mugging thots

2007-04-25T22:03:00.000+08:00

so glad that history doesn't change..

in the midst

2007-04-23T12:13:00.000+08:00

end of apb exam.. have a numb right hand now from writing non stop for two hours.. seldom i start blogging in the midst of exams.. yea i still have 3 more to go.. but my next will be on thursday so i've got some time in between..

exactly last week when i saw the news abt VT shootings in US.. it was so upsetting and painful that i started crying unknowingly.. the result of a mentally sick individual who glorifies himself by the death of innocent lives.. what is it really? I don't get it.. i don't think i am able to as a normal person i guess.. the premediated and systematic actions scare, because it prob takes cold bloodedness instead of impulse to do what he did.. the humane self and conscience that guides the actions of mankind is lost - what is left is less than animalistic because the latter only kills for survival instincts, not for fun..

as i condemn the murderer, i cannot say that i am able to share the pain for it is unimaginable.. the actions of the media have been wrong in the eyes of many grieving families, and the release of the videos explaining the puzzle of the time lag and his merciless killings have perhaps sparked more self proclaimed "matyrs" in the process.. indeed it has been evident with more incidents of glorifying self by killing innocent people, and have potrayed them as heros.. yet i do not think that most of us find his actions justifiable with the videos.. in fact i find it more repulsive and unforgiving the fact that the thought had been accumulating for such a long time.. a downright person sick in the mind who i find offensive in the mere relation of him to any religious matrys.. the media is not at fault, and perhaps the real culprit is the gun laws in the US.. I started to ask what guns are for? Self defence? But if everyone else doesn't have a gun then self defence using such lethal weapon may not be necessary anymore.. I'm glad that Singapore doesn't allow guns.. because I feel safe that there aren't people legally possessing guns to potentially use them illegally..

That aside, the past week i have been suffering from withdrawal symptoms.. obssesive complusive disease for TV.. it's been a while since I got myself addicted to TV although I noe it all lies within me.. but somehow these days TV is always more attractive then books.. well it doesn't help that i was supposed to be studying for exams.. Wire in the Blood.. where most people won't noe this show coz its British (I have something for British films haha) its about crime psychology and using the theories to apply them in police cases to solve murders or homocides and explaning why.. well i love it coz the dr is just so smart and passionate about psychology that he ends up weird in most people's eyes.. unpredictable while he enters the world of the murder and the victim.. it's a different perspective into crime, where evidence more often than not give way to psychology..

for once i admit to the fact that show and reality are different, and i'm glad that i can draw a line between them.. because what is entertaining as a crime thriller, with the murderer killing mercilessly becomes disturbing as they unfold in real life.. when i walked into school last week, i felt the mere thought of the place so peaceful becoming the site of death for people who have done no wrong to deserve it totally upsetting.. and then again i try to cherish the peacefulness and remember that all the competition for As in my transcript may not be that important after all..

updates

2007-04-13T19:46:00.000+08:00

great.. i haven't been blogging for a month plus and yet i didn't realise that time just flew past.. and yes thank you avid readers.. this is an update for u haha.. well i think i'll leave out the details and focus on the main parts for the past month..

internships.. which took up a whole lot of time after my last post.. the march period was almost dedicated to interviews and the applications which can amount to about 20 now.. i mean applications not interviews haha.. was a confusing and depressing process because i realised that i haven't exactly been desired by the market.. well fortunately my little bit of reputation in school managed to get me recommendations which turned out well.. i'm happy now.. really happy to have gotten one at DBS.. though i have heard some opinions about my internship i still stay as grateful as before.. oh and i rejected my four seasons internship for DBS coz they rejected me at first.. hahah sounds like de javu eh.. law faculty.. oh well.. i'll be working at 6 shenton way!!! haha i juz love the place coz it seems to be the centre of everything.. 16 level.. think i'll have some view to look at.. :)

settled 3 months of my hols.. and then i'll have 3 weeks before i leave for NYU!! i'm still looking forward to that really.. though now i'm starting to get worried about myself and how i'm gonna cope because it suddenly struck that i'll have to settle everything myself.. but it'll be an experience.. going to be travelling, watching broadway.. yay..

speaking of broadway.. i watched phantom of the opera 2 days ago and it was FANTASTIC!!! prob it's juz my love for musicals.. this is the second time i'm watching it and it is still as good as can be.. well i almost cried at the end because the phantom was really really excellent that night.. the way he sang, and acted and he cried.. and i realised he used to be doing it in broadway.. no wonder.. the previous time i watched it in taiwan last year i thot the phantom wasn't up to standard.. this time christine was a little disappointing though.. but the stage work and sets were fabulous as well.. and i found myself singing along every song during the concert.. haha freaky..

today is the last day of school for me.. well after my internship search ended about 2 weeks ago, i started to realise that i have been neglecting my work.. and on top of that, presentations and reports were starting to be due.. the most worrying thing, however, is that up till now i'm still not panicking and yet it's 7 days to my first paper.. wow.. there's something really wrong with me now.. inertia which cannot be overcome due to large mass?!?! haha.. ok maybe after realising it today i'm gonna to pick up my books and begin intensive mugging session.. yet i'm really spoilt this sem and without 8 hrs of sleep i cannot function at all.. sigh.. fortunately my exams this sem is almost all qualitative and open book.. fortunately..

what else.. oh love life is empty as usual.. having no life as usual.. panicking at the last minute as usual.. promising myself that i will not end up like that next sem as usual.. haha ok maybe it won't really matter next sem heh.. well i think i'll end off with this.. if u think it is difficult to talk to people in presentations or conversations, try talking to a video camera.. then u'll cherish every moment that u are talking to people and not a machine.. trust me.. from personal experience, it's a lot harder than u think it is.. :)

to all: study hard and gambatte! (jap overdose haha)

away from reality

2007-03-05T19:05:00.000+08:00

it's really been a while since i immersed myself in the incessant watching of a particular film.. well i've been greatly obsessed with the movie pride and prejudice.. and in love with mr darcy played by matthew macfayden.. the charming and caring, yet vulnerable and shy gentleman beneath the aloof and arrogant cover.. while getting into an emotional romantic state admist the scenes of the fabulous show, there was only one complaint i have.. the lack of a more intimate and sweeter ending to it rather than just the separate individuals speaking to her father about their relationship..

well in my desparate attempt to cure my obsession which is more often than not to immerse myself in all the possible information on the net about the particular movie or person further, i chanced upon a site which mentions an alternative ending to the show.. an add on which is only shown in the US.. of course i managed to lay hand on that and there it was.. the missing piece that was so so so so beautiful.. just two minutes extra showing the two of them.. and the charming british accent with their fantastic chemistry.. and of course the sweetest words and actions a man can ever say and do to a woman in my point of view..

it din really help me out of the practical situation i was in.. but it was so good to feel that feeling.. that one can always hope to be lizzy with mr darcy's love.. and that perhaps love should be this way.. i really melt at those words he uttered to her.. i started to wonder why it was not put in the original ending of the show.. because it was so natural to me that the addition was a happy ending that would be loved by all romantics.. yet i went on to read comments about it and realised perhaps i am just another commercialised viewer..

i view this movie as a romantic drama set in the ancient times, when their costumes were classy and all the gentlemen 'actions' showed the respect for ladies in the culture.. i perhaps forgot to understand that it was a classic written almost 200 years ago about the realism of social class differences during that time through a romance story.. the additional sweet ending which seems so natural to me became something that was ridiculous to many others, who took it as a classic to be respected for it to stay that way.. the 'hollywood type' ending din fit what jane austen would have included in the book, and seemed too far off as what mr darcy would have done taken his character..

a brilliant move by the producers i would say, to test market it and realise that that scene may be loved by some by not by others.. perhaps i spent all my life watching hollywood films or something.. that the ending made it all more perfect to me.. and all these immersion has put me away from reality once again, with my mind all filled with the lovely scenes of the film.. but more importantly it has brought back memories and yearn for the movie industry.. a long lost passion? or maybe the suppressed desires all along? as i continue to think about it, i find emptiness in my life and the life i will be leading.. am i away from reality now? or instead was i always escaping the reality till the few moments ago when i awake my wishes..

filming and movies are so beautiful because they allow imagination.. they allow fantasties and fairy tales, and they make the impossible seem possible.. they are moving pictures of lives of others, of love of others, and of the joy of others.. and because of the proximity they are able to strike a cord in everyone else's hearts.. and allow every single person to believe in fairy tales and dreams that come true..

mixed feelings

2007-03-04T17:23:00.000+08:00

was a long lost break that i took yesterday.. after a lot of dilemma about my fm 40% mid term where lots of unfairness was around.. still i'm glad that i made the correct decision.. sometimes i speak a lot about principles and doing the right thing.. but more often than not imbalances come about when u question urself about being too rigidmented and inflexible.. how long i can stay to answer to myself i dunno..

finally blogger decided to cooperate with me to let me start blogging again.. after valentine's day was chinese new year! haha yea i went to dubai for the new year.. was a fantastic city really.. a Singapore look alike but everything seems to be more appealing.. the architecture was one of the main visual appreciations, the world's best seem to appear there, and the many larger scale attractions with infrastructure no less than our country's.. definitely a good place to tour.. oh and i watched dubai tennis championships!! haha how exciting.. watching tennis real life is slightly confusing coz don't have the commentary.. but it was really good coz the players are right before our eyes.. too bad roger federer wasn't there yet when i watched.. but it's ok.. i'm gg to ny to watch him! haha.. :)

cny coincided with mid sem break.. which was quite a rest for me actually.. but a shortchange for everyone else haha.. well at least when i jetlagged and had to start rushing for reports and study for tests, i had some time to catch up without worrying about going for lessons.. so i prepared for abn interview.. which was my only interview out of thousands of internship applications.. which i screwed up anyway oops.. then got my history 20% paper to worry about, got my pf project 12% to do up to standard.. and of course the scary 40% fm test to study for.. within a span of 4 days.. so anyways i survived as i did, and i'm suppose to be happy..

yet yest i was really very sian.. no idea why.. wanted to rest but couldn't get to sleep, wanted to go out shopping but i noe i got more stuff to do.. haha in the end i found the love of my life.. i watched movies!!! haha enjoyed the movies and all was really good.. i think i watched pride and prejudice for like the 5th time already.. i'm totally in love with the british english and mr darcy.. he's really very funny.. and i watched the long boycotted movie casino royale haha.. i boycotted it coz i was a pierce brosnan fan.. but ok la i think prob i'm a bond fan to a lesser extent.. the thing abt bond films are that i love the man himself, the cars, the technology.. (all of which is lesser in this show) but somehow it's juz not a show to reason about.. juz accept wadever that is going on and enjoy the stunts and impossiblities of everything.. haha..

so yes perhaps movies and tv are the loves of my life.. and i have really been neglected this desire for a very long while.. chasing after once again the piece of certificate.. and then chasing after internships which are putting all the year 2s in a very sad position now.. well for me.. i haven't gotten any offer of any sort.. people basically juz ignore my applications.. so oh well.. the last resort is to enjoy my life during the hols ba.. today i suddenly felt like i hoped i could go to new york soon.. i dunno why.. perhaps it means a lot to me.. to taste the never before detachment and learn the living.. the independence and the freedom.. without background, without familiarity.. trying out new things.. seeing new stuff.. making new frens..

feeling down because i realised the harsh realities of society.. about finding jobs.. down because i am lesser in comparison.. because i said things i hate myself for.. the shocking truths and the inability to accept.. yet the selfishness and the dilemma.. yet the counteract is the entertainment, the travelling i always enjoy, the movies and tv i always love, and the rest i really need.. went shopping for things i want today.. went to do what i wanted to yest.. feeling less bothered now.. more lighthearted.. my emotional swings have been great these days.. i think i juz need more doses of the loves of my life to keep me up all the time..

happy first anniversary!

2007-02-14T23:24:00.000+08:00

happy first anniversary to my blog - my inspiration.. which so happened to be on valentine's day! :)

i still have to say the cliched phrase.. time flies.. it was a year ago when all the blogging started.. and in turn i started to open up my thoughts to all who is willing to read.. i'm grateful to my avid readers and those who bothered to find out how i was doing and keep up with my life..

honestly i thought nothing much has happened and that this one year has just been another year gone unnoticed.. yet when i look back this year has been one of the most exciting ones in my life.. where friendships blossom, challenges taken, expectations rise, myself in the process to be found.. and this first anniversary is also for the real reason this blog was set up.. and for the wishes i wished for that developed into existence.. amazing as it was..

as so much has happened for the past couple of weeks.. it has also painfully brought different meanings to different people.. to learn to cherish is so impt yet so easily forgotten.. it should not even take a special ocassion to show the love for the ones around us.. and perhaps wad we really wish for is wad we miraculously already have..

永远在心里

2007-02-04T02:47:00.000+08:00

心中终于获得了一种反常的平静。鼓起万分的勇气，想为你写上曾经让你感动的字句。我的无能为力，或许也只能以此的微薄之力作为补偿。事实上，我不知应该从何开始，更不愿在何处结束。而想要以文字叙述任何人的心情，也只会是徒然。。

两天前挥别的那一幕，我相信我这辈子都不会忘记。那灿烂的笑容，亲切的声音，熟悉的身影。。似乎时不时会联想起于你共度的点点滴滴。。而这一切包含的欢笑与美丽，会是我永远把你放在心中影象。。失去你的痛，我不知道你是否能够想象。。但我没有意愿描写，不单单是因为我不懂得描写，也是应为我相信你不愿目睹你至亲好友为你沉浸于悲伤之中。。

你所带给我们的种种快乐，换来了今日的伤心泪水。。但泪水过后，我们的快乐才是回报你用心良苦最好的结果。。我不知道需要多久的时间，才能够让我们真正开怀而去了解。。从接受到悲痛到平静到康复，我们都很努力地去摸索和寻找。。已经放弃追问那似乎不再重要的理由，我也只能希望曾经打动过你的文字，能够启发疼爱你的朋友学着珍惜自己，带着有你的美好记忆，代替你继续积极地偿尽人生的多姿多彩。。

深深相信你会如同我们每个人的记忆中如此快乐。。也因为你才给了我坚持下去的勇气，去帮助他人的力量。。请不要质疑。。你永远永远都会在我们的心里。。

breaking free

2007-01-27T18:59:00.000+08:00

one of my bday presents from my dearest MYJARS.. the theme of breaking free was really apt.. 21st as breaking into freedom..

recently i finally broke free by completing the first season.. haha.. no longer in need to put time aside to finish up the suspense filled episode.. but always looking forward to upcoming season 2! those we have not watched it.. it's a must watch really! :)

breaking free from more than that? mixed feelings.. but i'm perhaps achieving it soon..

the voodoo superstition

2007-01-19T01:22:00.000+08:00

the voodoo doll was in fashion for a while.. more for its decorative nature rather than its religious reasons.. i was in possession of one of those as a gift from a fren.. and out of superstition, i wanted to keep it on my phone as a lucky charm for the 2 impt results that were to be released during the week.. juz out of the simple hope that it would perhaps bring me some luck, i realised that one out of the 2 wands it was holding on to went missing the day before the release of the results..

never really thinking that the wands signified anything, i started to get paranoid that it might be a sign.. owing to my great imagination.. the star was gone, the heart remains.. what did that mean? the good news was that i had only a span of one day to worry before the conclusions were delivered..

the first moment of truth came.. no matter how prepared one was to lose, the story is different when the moment strikes.. i would be lying if i said it didn't demoralise us.. or it didn't matter.. i was perhaps the only one who really showed it.. but i believe it affected the rest no less than it did to me.. while we all tried to encourage each other to pick ourselves up and look at what we have gained, i came to realise that what we have gained were all in front of us.. of course, we never regretted any one idea we proposed.. and any one idea that was brought to reality..

the sky was crying hard.. i was thinking a lot that day.. about the process.. abt my reaction.. i realised how much i hated to lose only then.. i prob talked the day away.. to all we bothered to listen.. i stared at my voodoo doll.. and knew it was all my superstition at work.. the reality lies as the reality.. and no amount of voodoo dolls will do the job..

didn't noe wad to feel with a brain and body that's extremely tired, i coincidentally chanced upon the release my the other result from the person himself.. and this time.. it was a result of favourable nature.. i stared at my voodoo doll again, looked at the wands remaining, and started to wonder about superstition..

perhaps a purely coincidental result.. and when humans draw their own interpretations to find the relationship out of imagination, that idea is powerful.. well for me, i took off the voodoo doll immediately and kept it in my drawer.. at least i could stay away from accounting every other event to the 50% lucky charm..

a new chapter

2007-01-16T00:28:00.000+08:00

time waits for no one.. and as the number game called age reaches 21, a new chapter of life with independence, freedom, yet responsibilities await.. however i'm glad to have those around me, my friends and loved ones, to witness and walk with me the last day of my 20th and the first of my 21st.. ur presence is my best present! contrary to what many might guess, this statement is not dedicated to one, but to all who have played a part in my life.. for once, let pictures speak the thousand words of gratefulness, love and friendship :)

the beautiful RGS'02 girls! (MYJARS inclusive of course)

the RJC'04 class photo look alike (notice the colour coordination!)

the pretty bizad girls..

and the fantastic bizad guys..

and greatest bizad elders!

of course my dearest bestest brother :)

the game of chance..

2007-01-12T12:08:00.000+08:00

it's not fun.. trust me..

when fate is not in ur hands.. u can only anticipate.. and anticipation is the prolonged apprehension, agony and anxiousness.. u cannot ask why or how or who.. u can only wait..

so close yet so far.. like one fren said.. it's somewhat like a business cycle.. the ups and downs.. the highs and lows.. the excitement and depression.. have u experienced what u believe is already within grasp slipping through ur fingers, and it was something u couldn't want more.. the last chances lost, and worse of all.. it is no one's fault.. there's no one to blame, there's no reason why..

like another fren asked me.. wad is hindering u? i thought abt that.. and nothing was my answer.. i believe in the works of fate.. and i was convinced that fate asked me to let it go.. yet when it plays tricks on me again.. i'm confused.. i was prepared to start afresh.. to normalise things.. i thot i recovered.. i could put things in perspective now.. i was wrong.. in fact.. i believe it has juz gotten worse.. i lost my ability to speak or act or concentrate.. it reminded me of the first encounter..

and yet the works of fate is wad i have to thank.. to think that less than a year ago it was so different.. and yet today the situation is as such.. so close i wad i can say now.. but not close enough.. no one made the special efforts to arrange anything.. the chances juz came along.. yet no one knew how to grasp those opportunities.. and then they keep coming along.. when i finally decide to do sth, the game of chance is played.. tell me now.. how do i feel.. or wad do i do?

pray is wad my other fren told me.. she mentioned that this is the time to turn to religion.. the joke like tone i took notice.. but the words did cross my mind.. my answer: i already started praying yesterday..

but another fren pointed out a very interesting point: how do u play the game when it is not on the market or the playing field? ur task is not to win the game.. it is to make the game on the market and the playing field first.. and that is the hardest part.. yes i noe it's daunting.. actually i'm not asking for anything.. i'm juz upset with myself that i hardly noe how the game works.. and worse.. i dunno how to get myself out of the game and stop doing anything.. when will it ever be on the playing field? hmm i really really wonder..

yet before the anticlimax ending.. my fren wrote on his paper during class to represent an msn conversation..
[fren] : juz do it with him la
rebec, be inspired~ :
i did not write to continue the conversation.. because i realised instantly.. the answer was already there..

subtle hints, aplenty opportunities.. obvious to many oblivious to one.. passively.. leaving it to the game of chance.. again.. i hope no more.. and remind myself of contentment..

missing

2007-01-11T00:24:00.000+08:00

opportunity: lost because my conscience told me to do the right thing. so does 2 rights make a wrong now? for the sake of integrity and accountability, i put myself in trouble that made me upset.. the price to pay for honesty and morality.. tell me i'm right..

encounter: depressing jealously at first, yet still happy at every subsequent thought of the subject in question.. as it always should have been.. the dormant mentality, alive again..

organisation: in a state of loss, trying to bring back the order needed.. how prepared am i now? less than i wished i were..

contentment: so quickly, the thankfulness is forgotten. contentment is not as easy to achieve as the preacher can understand. often the pesimmism sets in, and the big picture, lost..

moments: immersed in spurts of rekindled emotions.. lost in thoughts, lost in feelings, then woken up to reality. those in the past might have been more than infatuations.. but i never had the courage, and missed the blessings of time..

before semester starts..

2007-01-06T16:54:00.000+08:00

five minutes before cors bidding round 2c ends.. haha i've been refreshing the page continuously to make sure all is as predicted.. well this time cors has been good to me.. i've eyed on the popular mods this sem and gone all out to pay high prices (or points) for it.. perhaps that's the reason for the decreasing demand towards the end, coz the points are way too high.. haha..

so yes i've been doing showhands.. my programme account was at 0 points after round 2a.. luckily i was refunded some points for being too kaisu.. but yea not too many points actually.. and now my general account is at 0 points too.. and finally round 2c has ended.. :)

the weekend before sem starts.. ah well things to look forward to for the sem:
1. jap! which had been something i so wanted to take on since 1.5 years ago.. braving 7 hrs per week of lessons that is
2. gen bio! something i always wanted to take too.. i have something for bio i guess..
3. good project mates.. hopefully not only dependent on the random chance of fate..
4. lesser school activities, more mugging and social life time.. haha.. yes i mean it.. the aftereffects of too many obligations last semesters..
5. joining competitions with the determination to win.. not only for the sake of competitions and then putting in half efforts
6. involvement in case-related activities! always my interest for reasons i do not know.. :)
7. company.. the first sem ever that all lessons are accompanied..
8. and of course.. ruling the world with bro haha :)

oh well.. all has sort of quietened down.. as it should.. while i try to clear my desk of presents from and to people, i realise my bday is coming.. i don't wanna grow up! but i've got my expensive presents though hehe.. a digi cam.. always wad i wanted.. Cybershot DSC T10! the newest Ipod! with video 80GB i din even noe it existed.. and a Swaovski crystal heart keychain! haha ok yes i noe i've gotta plan something really soon.. so that's on my list now.. my yahct idea sort of got thrown out of the window.. haha.. yes i was thinking of renting a yacht.. hmm suddenly chalet seems rather attractive again.. solves lots of problems.. we'll see..

i was juz offered nyu for sep! so exciting! haha but next on my list is to accept or reject.. i noe i eventually would but juz wanna confirm with myself and let it sink in after a couple of days.. there's the new bba(acc) programme which i should decide soon whether i should seek for a transfer to that.. ahh.. so many decisions..

so soon.. a whole new year begins.. school's starting again.. frens leaving for exchange.. the whole cycle begins noeing this sem is impt to me.. result chase.. panic, fear and stress.. will there be so much luck and love? i can only hope now..

nature's beauty

2007-01-04T13:28:00.000+08:00

"nature's beauty is in its ability to provide.. it is not difficult to make a living if people could understand that.." this was one of the statements made by our cambodian tour guide which got me pondering..

as i embarked on a most unlikely holiday to Cambodia and Vietnam, perhaps few could understand that those could be vacation spots rather than community service locations.. incidentally, i felt rather guilty perhaps, that another group of frens from school were there during the same period of time doing good for the people there, while i do good by boosting the economy and living like a princess at the same time.. beautiful hotel, excellent service, flexibility and freedom in touring because we were on a private tour.. As I felt the culture of the country and the relaxing atmosphere at the hotel, I was somehow blocked from the poverty of the people except for the occasional basking and selling.. perhaps it struck me when we left the tourist attraction, magnificent World Heritage Ang Kor Wat, and went to the floating villages which housed the poorest of the population.. I then came to realise how fortunate everyone in Singapore was.. and esp how fortunate I was..

and yet as our hearts pour out to those innocent children in wooden stlit houses we could hardly call homes, those seemingly cruel words were spoken.. as i try to put away the emotional aspect and try to understand in a rational manner, i look at the unmoved figure towards the sights which seem so pitiful to us.. Clad in a simple shirt and jeans i'd hardly call worn by the wealthy, holding a set of newspaper held in one hand, i was trying to decide the truth in his skeptical or unfeeling perspective.. Perhaps he was born in a simliar environment.. or perhaps he knew so much more to be able to make such judgement.. If he were right, dependence on tourism and international aid becomes a reason for poverty in the country.. to make things sound even more distorted, monetary aid out of the goodwill to the many beggers in the country had caused the viscious cycle of poverty to continue..

however, are we able to judge now? when we live in comfort.. when we have clean water, food, proper shelter, education.. good paying jobs.. opportunities to travel.. even him.. one in the country, noeing the politics, noeing the lives of the people.. could he judge when he is able to recieve education, read and write, learn english, get a job.. i really dunno.. but i believe in the truth of his words about the importance of education, and the beauty of nature..

etiquette or sexism?

2006-12-20T18:54:00.000+08:00

the sudden question inevitably came into my mind after two consectutive days of the somewhat 'etiquette' experience.. in the last lessons of bba finishing school today, a highly interesting course was conducted known as 'social etiquette'.. well, contrary to what many may think, these are not general knowledge to most, especially when dining, formalities and the 'gentlemen' way to do things are involved..

somehow, these practices seem to be lost in today's world.. not to accuse the guys from taking the shortcuts in courting a girl, or being just plain lazy in attempting to be gentlemen.. perhaps life has become so much more casual for such actions to be practiced.. or even.. ladies are of independent nature who are strong and career minded to see no need for a guy to open the car door for them, or to pull a chair out in dining, or to place orders for her.. i can't help but wonder.. could the actions of a gentlemen ever be seen as weird, or worse, an act of sexism?

if females wish for the respect, opportunities, independence and equality on par with men, does that mean that they then cannot expect the efforts of a gentlemen from a guy anymore? hmmm.. i remember encountering this question once.. i pondered.. and then i concluded tt since girls are becoming as such, they would not be bothered if these actions are being practiced or not.. because they do not expect to be treated as a gender type which is less strong in nature.. or perhaps to be treated in that way is a type of gender discrimination.. yet my thots changed after 3 years.. i was posed this same question today.. and i decided otherwise.. even of my personality which many might interpret as career minded and ambitious, i definitely expect those practices from a guy.. and totally appreciate it as a basic respect of a gentlemen to a lady..

so much is said.. yet sometimes the practise of such formalities brings abt a certain degree of awkwardness.. would you expect that from a guy fren? a potential date? a bf? a small polling exercise amongst my guy frens revealed that so long as it is a one-on-one in a restaurant of sufficient atmosphere, they would do the gentlemen acts.. haha maybe i am around very many gentlemen eh.. but then again i ask myself.. would i expect that from my guy fren? perhaps the simpler acts of holding the door, taking ur stuff for u.. but the full version definitely will shock me.. will i learn to accept it graciously? or will i continue to convince the casualness of today's society? haha i really don't noe.. only time will tell i guess.. :)

reminder: be grateful

2006-12-16T11:40:00.000+08:00

yesterday was such a day it was the first time in my life i was wondering if all was a dream when i was awake.. and afraid all will be gone when i slept.. finally deciding that wads mine is mine and wads not is not, I coaxed myself into sleeping after a long while of tossing and turning.. I was supposed to be tired from an exciting and expensive day really..

If there was a day in ur life that everything went ur way, yesterday was the day.. but it was till the extent i was worried that my luck will run out soon.. looking back at this semester, i was really showered with love and luck.. wad more could i ask? but humans are as such.. and i hate myself for being so human in that greed sets in all the time.. when u achieve something, u ask urself why u couldn't achieve better.. that's the fine line between driving urself and being too ambitious and uncontented.. no matter wad i tell myself and preach that i understand.. part of me is still striving so hard to wish for perfection.. hmmm.. now i'm really really afraid of the dangerous self expectations of the future..

till now.. i still don't believe all is true.. i'm still thinking of how i should accept things if they do not turn out as i saw it last night.. but if things really turned out that way, I can only say I owed it to all who was around me during exam period.. I was honestly very very stressed out and honestly honestly under the self impression that I did not manage to do my best.. That's wad upset me because I believed i was capable of sth more.. but my efforts were insufficient.. nothing has changed at all.. except that i was juz loved by a stroke of luck that i noe i cannot depend on.. I promised myself that i would work harder.. because this is not the state i should be in the same time of next sem.. I was seriously so afraid that I lost all my courage and confidence..

This sounds like a credit list.. haha like i won some award right.. but i always want to remind myself to be grateful to those who stood by me.. so *clap clap clap* definitely to my greatest family.. definitely to my dearest best bro who shielded me from most of the adrenaline.. definitely to the legend who never failed to inspire, encourage, and let me trust that he'll always be there for me.. definitely to a fren who accompanied me throughout the entire draining process of mugging.. and understanding wad i mean when I suppress my fustration in not achieving the almost perfection.. definitely to the very many who helped me in one way or another to achieve the focus i truly needed.. definitely to the mere acquiantances who showed concern through kind words and actions..

I hope i was able to be one of those to the many pple around me.. admist all the thanks and more thanks, i promised myself to achieve more next sem.. not in terms of grades, but more in lending a hand or ear to pple ard me who need it.. learning to be a better person.. but in the process i noe my expectations on myself have juz shot sky high.. result chase.. but i'm one step closer to my secret wish eh? ;)

a closure

2006-12-05T23:34:00.000+08:00

as i go through yet another motion of exams and answering the countless questions in front of me every 9am in that exam hall.. i start formulating my own questions now that all is done.. or technically all that mattered..

this semester hasn't been the best for me in terms of exams.. i recall walking out of the exam hall paper after paper feeling good abt it for my past modules.. feeling like it was an A or A+ paper.. this time.. i can only shake my head everytime i walk out.. feeling like i've failed myself or failed some sort of expectation tt i din manage to excel as much as i wanted..

it din start off too well.. though it seemed as if i've worked so hard to noe every nitty gritty detail there is to noe.. it was not enough.. exams to test not only knowledge, application, as well as time management.. i faltered.. maybe it was because i was truly taken aback by my very first paper... never in my life have i felt so helpless after an exam.. that was what happened to me the very first day after so long tt i stepped into mpsh for exams once more..

although i've seemed to have gotten everything in the right place before i embarked.. i've even gotten his good luck and warm words.. nonetheless my promise to do my best was broken.. interestingly i found myself of greatest focus this semester.. the motivation is of utmost concentration after the period of endless distraction and confusion.. the drive to achieve my silly secret wishes.. the constant reminder that i've lagged so much behind because of the activities i've undertaken during the semester..

the first time i actually got so tired of chasing after results.. some thing i realised i've done all my life.. of living up to expectations.. of putting the immense pressure on myself to excel.. is it pointless now? it is far beyond the expectations of frens, family or even him.. it's self expectations which are the most powerful.. and the most demanding.. my life before uni had been so much simpler and within stride.. because i knew my limits and i do not push beyond.. because i was contented with myself doing my best.. becuase i knew i'd go mad if i ever tried to compare amongst my peers.. because i was within a school i could only be average and i knew so well that i could only be so..

nonetheless the taste of success and respect as one of the high flyers in uni now is one which is so delightful that i wish to sustain.. for the reputation that seemed to come rather easily and smoothly.. it took me long to understand and admit that these were the aftereffects of desiring that the image will live on.. that my name could be close to his.. (though "legend" is irreplaceable and i definitely am far from that highly regarded name..) because everything seemed so much in reach.. that no allowance for mistakes were given.. and no room for a next time could be given.. that doing my best is insufficient and only doing THE best can be enough.. not remembering that i have limits.. i disappoint myself time and again that i could have done better for every paper.. i ponder and i bear regrets.. and i tire myself totally within this cycle of chase..

the experience was not at all pleasant.. to awaken myself to the truth that i cannot be the best around.. that i am juz who i am making little mistakes along the way.. but if this is not the time i wake up to ideas as such.. i can foresee myself in yet another viscious cycle next semester.. of graver consequences because of the greater pressure to stay within wad i've established for 3 consecutive semesters.. the break now is good.. to understand tt life is not a bed of roses is better.. and to remember that my best is always good enuff for myself because i do not have to live up to the expectations of others.. though all these seem easier said then done, the first step of realisation is yet in the process...

have i done my best within my abilities? have i studied enough? could i have achieved something better? i doubted myself after every paper.. hoping all was a dream.. hoping time could turn back and i could pre empt everything.. if i could be branded as "not studying enough", then why not think that the paper was too demanding? if i couldn't catch the little hints about the questions, why not think that the hints were on every possible topic anyway.. if i couldn't think of the simplest things on the spot, why not juz understand that i'm not the smartest person on earth who could think of every possible solution in the span of 2 hours?

someone asked me.. when do i cry? my tears fall as i am upset with myself.. that regrets exist.. that i could have handled things better.. that i could have achieved more.. as i realise that i cry because i think i've failed myself.. i also realise that my self pride has grown unexpectedly immense.. that i've in the process pressured myself so much to expect perfection.. perhaps only a few could understand.. but i've been really hard on myself lately..

so what now? twice or thrice.. is it all that important? i dunno.. i only noe it will still matter a lot to me on that faithful day.. that tears yet again will fall even if i understood all that i've preached that i knew.. it is easy to say.. to teach.. to tell others.. but it is often difficult to convince urself and put it to practice.. i noe dead well myself.. at least tears are a form of release for me...

i believe in the healing effects of time.. that time is of greatest medicinal value for the heart and the mind.. as time washes away the depression and the regrets.. i hope time will not change the gratefulness i have to the many around me during this period of time.. perhaps only during times as such that one will realise how much one is loved and how much one should be content.. to a totally understanding family.. to the warm words of reassurance (which i finally realised were juz normal words of frenship) to trust that he'll always be there for me.. to the perpetual attention during this month of endless studying.. to the little acts of concern or the words of encouragement.. to the wordless hugs which gave me strength.. how can one ever ask for more?

an unoffical closure to the semester.. i realised i've achieved quite a bit this semester.. it was frantic.. yet greatly fruitful.. to taste victory and achievement.. to do what was passion.. to touch the various aspects frenship.. to experience execution of our own ideas through stompaids.. to attract publicity attention.. to step one foot into relationships.. to practice what was love to me.. an exciting life i led yet again.. i see myself toning down a lot next semester... and my favourite sentence once again.. i will work harder! as i try to achieve my secret wishes again.. will i ever get out of the result chase? i really don't noe...

i was only joking

2006-11-17T22:07:00.000+08:00

literally.. i was only joking in the last entry writing "haha who noes? we might end up in the headlines tmr!".. and well.. it wasn't a joke that funny after all.. though it was highly amusing and exciting..

woke up with loads of smses coming in telling me i ended up on the front page of the straits times.. wow.. thot i was dreaming for a while.. but the more of them i read the more real it became.. first thot: muz be very unglam.. coz yest that it was really chaotic.. lots of pple pushing to get a glimpse, a handshake or a photo.. haiya.. but finding out from my frens it wasn't that bad.. second thot: lay hands on the newspaper to have a good look.. seriously..

haha yes it's really quite exciting.. to think that i was really upset with myself that i wasted one whole day.. partly coz i was obliged to go for this.. i mean yes it's once in a lifetime to see the president of the u.s. .. but then again there really is very many other things to do and i din expect such opportunities to arise anyway.. went because it was sort of "compulsory"..

well nothing very much to be proud of other than that.. "cheap thrill" as my fren puts it before noeing that all these will end up on the front page yar.. haha but quite honoured to shake hands with him and speak with him.. i thot that was more honourable.. well the rest.. juz plain luck.. not as if i could have any say in wad goes on the front page of the straits times.. i look quite amused there though.. well actually i was coz everyone wanted their fair share of the attention from the man himself..

yeps got my fair share, or more like lion's share of the attention.. but never ever forgetting to wish him well today.. i think i muz be crazy.. lost the girl power and lost more of my so called determination.. found out he had a language exam today and i actually went to wish him well in that language thru sms.. played mysterious in his words abt my knowledge of the language or anything more.. haha coz i din want it to be too obvious though everything really is very much obvious to me already.. today is a happy day.. coz when i think of him.. it becomes more of motivation than distraction.. i think i've reached another level altogether.. :)

the president

2006-11-16T21:51:00.000+08:00

not joking.. it's mr president george w bush we are talking abt here.. supposedly a day for mugging of my unfamiliar macroeconomics syllabus.. ended up more like a bonding session getting high over meeting one of the most powerful man in the world.. though not exactly the most popular..

basking in the heat along the queue to get to the location alone took us already 1.5 hrs.. afterwhich the security check took another half an hour or so.. finally ending up at the location.. getting some refreshments.. and the whole lot of us decided to enter the place early since we were already tired and running out of things to do.. to me.. i was hanging on to my tb.. again another day of hoping that i could study but dashed hopes in the end..

got in the arena, sat at the 2nd row towards the right side facing the stage.. the view was really good.. staring straight at the podium with almost 0 obstruction.. started getting high amongst ourselves taking photos and all.. till after a while sm goh came into the place.. hahaha.. we started waving to him and his waving as usual in the general direction.. then we started laughing and then started clapping.. yar i noe.. we are a little well.. unpro.. but then again.. it's not everyday u get to see him so close up..

soon after sm goh disappeared and reappeared from the stage.. the big guy.. mr president bush appeared on stage.. i could juz see the various big cameras snapping away incessantly.. different angles.. different positions.. seeming every word he says seemed to be under the scrutiny of so many.. yet again.. the speech was not exactly popoular amongst all of us..

but the highlight was really the time he finished his speech, walked down the stage, and started shaking hands with the pple within his reach.. at first he walked down from the left side, so i thot it was really far away.. no big deal.. not as if he's my idol or sth.. but as he started to move towards the right side, i realised that he was really nearing me and in fact at the rate he was going he would definitely reach me.. in my composure i quickly thot of something short to say to him while he shook my hand.. and indeed he gave me a firm handshake, while i said "it's an honour" and he replied "thank you", gave a smile and eye contact.. thot i was quite calm la.. haha though after that people swarming in wanting to take photos with him got a little unpro again.. really felt like some teenagers wanting to take photo with some pop star.. but i have to admit i was amongst the excited people too and ended up in a group photo with him.. the first time that besides our own camera, there were so many others snapping away.. haha who noes? we might end up on tmr's headlines? haha..

nonetheless an unexpected experience.. so different from wad i expected it to be.. not only coz of mr president.. but also coz of him.. i guess i felt awkward la.. so i sort of tried to avoid him? din want to go forward to say hi, din want to appear in front of him.. i dunno.. but i'm quite puzzled as to why he doesn't come forward to intiate something.. and he din even say bye in the end when he left.. and yes he saw me.. i'm so sure of that.. no official hi bye.. so different from wad i intially thot it would turn out.. that i would sit beside him, i would walk with him, talk with him.. during the 3 hours used for bonding.. i did nothing close.. sigh.. perhaps i wanted a photo more with him than with dear mr president.. hahaha.. but well that photo with mr president is still a consolation! :)

well i guess this is exciting enough to add one more post to my last post of the sem.. hee.. so meanwhile hopefully i can achieve my peace again to start my mugging.. sigh.. mugging.. hope he can give me strength...

last post for the sem..

2006-11-16T01:32:00.000+08:00

literally i think this will be my last post before exams begin.. technically it doesn't take long to post an entry.. but then again there really isn't very much material to write about since the next 3 weeks or so will be intensive mugging, mugging and mugging still..

glad that i gained back my independence and my rationality.. so i'm in self control now.. looking back at the past week was an interesting experience.. but somewhat silly when i think about it now.. haha.. nonetheless i've really learnt a lot in the process.. learnt a lot from him and learnt a lot about myself.. :)

achieving my focus for the past 2 days.. taking everything in my stride.. taking everything more as a bonus.. happy with myself that i've been rather productive in mugging.. so i think i'm actually only starting full force mugging now.. hahaha.. it's always like that.. but i'm glad i'm achieving it though its a little.. well.. delayed.. hmm..

lots of extra stuff popping out of the blue.. though they are things to be happy about.. well some of them.. monday i went for a minor surgery to perform excision of a growth which has been there for like.. as long as i can remember.. it's neveus sebaceous.. hmm think i spelt it wrong but can't really be bothered to check it out.. anyway the process was interesting.. but come to think of it i think i'm quite brave.. after 2 doses of anesthetic on the area the doctor starting cutting.. and suddenly i could feel her cutting.. and then i started to panic.. asked her whether i'm supposed to be feeling anything.. and i wasn't supposed to.. hmm so there are another dose of anesthetic immediately.. haha to think i could withstand the pain of cutting my flesh.. sounds a little disgusting i noe.. so now i've got a centipede-looking wound beside of my ear with 3 stitches.. and the stitching process really felt like she was sewing.. haha..

my car died on me on the same day.. but very fortunate coz my dad was around when it happened.. haha i was so shocked when the car couldn't start! haha battery went flat.. but was really quite impressed with the service of performance motors.. from the moment we called them to the time it was repaired, it was only a little more than half an hour! very professional pple really..

received an email, or actually many emails, with regard to the invitation to UCC to listen to President Bush's remarks that he's gonna make in NUS.. hahaha.. honestly i was really quite grogy coz i juz woke up.. then saw the email and i actually thot it was a joke! haha ok i admit.. haven't really been following the news in that sense.. but actually quite honoured to be also placed in a 'strategic location'.. though that means another afternoon gone.. well guess it's one in a lifetime..

meeting up pple in this critical period.. hmm i should be feeling like every minute is very impt and should be invested in my books.. but somehow i'm more able to balance stuff.. could spare some time for old friends.. spare some time for family.. spare some time for doing the stuff that is necessary.. but the stress is nonetheless there.. very evident.. but it comes and goes during this period of time.. sometimes i start feeling extremely obliged to perfom and start panicking.. but sometimes i feel like everything is within control and planning.. well i guess this is juz wad happens la..

everyone seems to be studying really hard now.. the library's been really full lately.. and the whole world seems to be there.. glad that i found my motivation in certain pple.. glad that i sorted things out so positively.. glad that i managed to realise that i'm not in the shadow of another again.. once again to my frens.. thank you! and wishing u all the very best in exams! :)

JIAYOU!

the space and the clouds

2006-11-11T00:07:00.000+08:00

the cloud in the sky deserves the moon the sun or the stars.. but space is oblivious to the clouds below.. no matter how much I wish for space to transcend from above to the cloud in the sky.. It is just so hard.. so unattainable.. so far away.. (prob only 3 pple will understand this.. haha..)

There was illusion of hope.. of being within reach.. but dashed almost immediately.. it was painful.. nonetheless wad doesn't kill u makes u stronger.. recounted the life story countless times.. and realised each time the delicate arrangements of fate for the paving of the direction towards space.. a slow process.. but progress always occurs during the most unexpected moments.. any one bit of disruption in the linkages will not have made things the way they are and made me the way i am today..

don't think about why the process is slow.. don't be sad that the path has stopped moving forward.. juz be grateful for everything that has ever led u in this direction in the first place.. sometimes we'd rather the path never started.. at least there wouldn't be hope and then disappointment.. but the fact that the path has brought us nearer.. is sufficient for thankfulness..

no noble love.. for it was wrong to even expect anything.. juz beautiful memories of the little encounters, remembering the little moments we shared.. and always hope to pleasantly surprise or bring a smile .. no matter how oblivious space is from above, the clouds in the sky will always be there.. forever..

conclusions

2006-11-09T12:17:00.000+08:00

before i embark on another stage of my life at full force mugging mode.. i'll juz like to draw some conclusions after 3 days of mind tormenting experience..

1. Expectations bring about disappointment. don't expect, good things will come as surprises instead.. life will be better that way..

2. I cannot take excitement. Yesterday was truly exciting.. somehow all the guys I ever got involved with in my entire life agreed to all look for me on the same day.. That's not very many guys but still.. they got to my mind..

3. I take things really slow.. as in really really slow.. any bit of acceleration somehow upsets me because it is not within my pace.. i can't catch up..

4. I read too much into things.. too sensitive about the little things that brings me to my first point.. there's a fine line between reciprocating and intiating.. I read things so complicatedly that i think everyone else should.. I imply things after interpreting.. but I think i read it wrong..

5. I prefer frenship to a relationship. I realised that just last night in my great attempt to figure things out once and for all.. I am not ready to give up the delicate frenship for telling the truth.. I fear too much of losing everything instead.. i value the frenship too much.. the set of options are there for me now.. risk adverse as usual..

6. I am pessimistic about everything.. too afraid.. too negative.. my fren was right.. every thot should be happy.. the little things that i read into should be of optimism.. for he is supposed to be one who inspires.. forget everything else and remember that..

7. My life is interestingly dramatic.. but I realise I should be enjoying every phase of it.. even this.. glad that this is adding colour to my life.. and starting to grow up in this area of unfamiliarity..

8. Most importantly.. I have friends around me! Who can put down work to talk to me in the wee hours of the morning.. whom i can trust to offer that listening ear.. who doesn't get scared off by me getting emotional.. who understands wad i'm talking about and offers good advice.. who reminds me about points that are lost amongst my mental confusion.. who tries everything funny and turns into spies and actresses admist everything else.. who reminds me of my independence and how much proportion i should give to this.. whom I'm not afraid to talk to about everything.. grateful to all who gave me strength.. who lent a hand, a ear or a hug.. who will always always always be there for me..

achieving that peacefulness in my heart.. then realising that he should have been motivation to focus instead a source of distraction.. my promise to you might have been broken my fren.. but i'll try to keep this promise i made to myself.. and my promise to him..

remembering that i should be always inspired..

惜缘

2006-11-04T22:34:00.000+08:00

再一次看见西装笔挺的他，仿佛有着似曾相识的感觉。。仔细一想，半年前第一次的邂逅也竟是如此。。天正下着毛毛细雨，朦朦胧胧的我拖着疲惫不堪的身体，一直追问自己参加的理由。。似乎完全忘却那原本的动力，心中只想匆匆地结束。。

我清楚记得第一次听见他的名字的情景。。对于那将近让人敬而远之的名声，除了有些好奇，我也并无多想。。毕竟从前在学校里的无敌智者也不胜枚举。。然而，当日不知从哪儿来的一股冲劲，让我有幸目睹他那不愧称为神话的风范。。他开口说上第一句话的瞬间，我似乎可以相信他所要说的每一句话。。以那专业的神情，我发觉他不但是我当日认定的赢家，也是往后鼓励我上进的动力。。

第一次下起笔写着他，早已清楚知道他对我的无限影响。。是启发，是仰慕，是欣赏。。我唯一不敢承认的，是爱意二字。。不是因为害羞，而是不想亵渎自己对他的智慧与谦虚的单纯敬佩。。本以为将永远成为一个默默无名的支持者，完全没有再次见面的念头与准备。。但缘分安排的奇妙偶遇，让我发觉靠近他会让自己失去自我，措手不及。。可笑，然而不解的真实。。

机缘巧合，命运的怜悯安排了出其不意的良缘。。或许对他人而言，那包含的牺牲并不值得。。但对我来说，所有错失的机会仍比不上可能与他建立的友谊。。如今身份的荣升可称得上‘朋友’二字。。除了感谢，还是感谢。。时不时在他的身旁徘徊，会情不自禁地眺望他那温和安静的身影，感谢一切让我与他近在咫尺的机缘。。我一向认为人需要经历失去，才会懂得珍惜。。然而对于他，我似乎珍惜着每分每秒，因为我知道即将轻易流逝那短暂的相处时光。。

时间的残酷，在于无法挽留那片刻的美好。。但记忆的仁慈，在于能够烙印那永恒的回忆。。庆幸我还能够永远记得与他共度过的点点滴滴。。那数十次环绕工作的电邮，数十次的感谢与鼓励的简讯，数十次关心的轻声细语。。那一次共坐车中，那一次于他搭档，那一次刻意放下功课与我交谈，那两次远处眺望而由衷的微笑，那数次与他供桌吃饭，数次与他同路走在他的身旁，数次一同商讨工作，数次一起读着同样一篇文章，数次感受他努力工作的认真，数次的近距离接触。。在暗暗欣喜与感谢的同时，却又害怕情感的明显而努力地掩饰，故作潇洒。。事实上对着他，我不正视，不多话，不央求，战战兢兢。。只有在一旁静静地欣赏。。似乎害怕一不小心，将会梦醒。。

当一切的美丽抱着一线希望之时，坐在身旁的他渐渐沉默不语。。当问起原由的时候，只有听到他轻声道来心存的感谢，低下头诚心地祈祷。。当时对我而言，犹如当头棒喝，把我从梦中敲醒。。讨厌自己的胡思乱想，望着那似乎平平无奇却又深藏不露的人物而再次由衷的尊敬。。

一切的不可能早已摆在眼前，成熟的我又怎会不了解呢？然而第一次有着不由自主的情感，这段时间身心的疲惫让自己作了许多傻事。。刻意地望着那曾经与他近在咫尺的地方，抱着可能再次相遇的希望。。努力地寻找他的踪影，却发觉见了面，不知应该说些什么。。开心看见他却又失望相见的冷淡的交错，只有把一切的感觉弄得更加复杂。。

台上台下的他判若两人，让我无法想象台上胸有成竹，大胆中带着无穷说服力的神话，却也是台下那谦虚温和，害羞中带着绅士风度的人物。。他彬彬有礼，乐于助人的性格更是我的亲身体验。。喜欢他小小关心的表示，虽然并无他意，却是这段时间给我无限力量的话语。。

很想一股冲动，把一切感觉向他坦白。。毕竟对我而言，我这段时间的主动已经是明眼人所看得清清楚楚的。。然而他对爱情的单纯，对他人的乐意帮助，或许使他无法体会我对他的特别用心。。这让我对无法捉摸他的反应而失去信心，却也发觉他的纯情也是他的可爱。。对他坦诚，让自己的烦恼一网打尽，但害怕从此成为尴尬的陌路人。。若是如此，我宁可把一切藏在心里，祝福他在感情道路上的幸福，延续我们的永恒友谊。。

第五次下起笔写着他，不知想要从中得到什么。。或许只是想要安抚自己混乱不堪的思绪，重新思量自己的情感。。

major obsession

2006-10-28T21:42:00.000+08:00

a promise not only to a fren but also to myself.. i broke it today.. tried to withhold it but failed miserably half a day later..

i have immersed myself into a major obsession.. uncontrollably and scarily open about it lately.. i accounted for it through the mental exhaustion which stompAIDS has caused me, consequently my tiredness of hiding my emotions and doing the little things which make me happy..

when did it start getting so serious I do not noe.. perhaps from the very start it began this way.. nonetheless lately I have allowed myself to enter a major state of crush.. rattling on for more than an hour to my old frens abt it.. found out that perhaps everyone goes through that stage of life coz they seem to understand the weirdest things that may happen.. crush is beautiful.. but awkward as well..

always finding the slightest reason to msg.. the slightest reason to draw a relationship, slightest reason to get involved.. always looking out the favourite haunts, the places we have met, the logical places to find.. yet never approaching but always looking, watching, contemplating.. highest record is walking past 5 times without saying hi at the same place.. looking at the name but never intiating a conversation.. having spies around giving me alerts but never did more than messing up my thoughts being happy and sad.. thinking hard about every word i use but becoming down when there is no reply.. trying not to be obvious in every action i do but always failing to do so..

yet being so happy that there is fate.. conversation.. concern.. that meeting up could be any moment, that talking could be so simple, that doing things for the wrong reason could be so instinctive.. talking and listening about it is so enjoyable.. the amusing story at the event.. i smile and laugh at the thot and imagination of it, of words and msgs.. memorising it all..

was touched by the simple words which seemed like i was reading more into it than i was supposed to.. was truthful abt it which prob made things obvious.. but i couldn't care less amongst the pressure.. was vulnerable and depressed at that moment.. but it gave me strength and kept my spirits high.. nothing could get to me that day coz of the words that night..

stompAIDS ended yesterday.. I told myself that so will the major obsession.. but i couldn't help but thot abt it and msged.. kept asking myself why i should put a stop to sth which makes me so happy.. but i noe it's getting way out of my control.. insecure as i am.. i will try to take it back.. yet i'm half minded on succeeding..

stomped

2006-10-21T21:46:00.000+08:00

stomp, stomping, stomped.. by the sheer pain of organising stompaids.. i've been using perhaps a greater amount of vulgarities for the past week as compared to the rest of my life.. i've been through the most ups and downs and owing the most favours in my entire life.. i've been involved in mood swings and distractions that i can have nightmares abt it, lose sleep over it, lose temper over it, lose concentration at work, and worse of all, lose confidence in myself..

today had been a bad day.. for no rhyme or reason.. i'm just reluctant to do anything.. no idea what's gotten into me.. i'm just tired of stomping.. tired of fire fighting and trying to be nice when others are at fault.. tired of pple being optimistic.. tired of doing things that i hate doing.. yet i know i can't stop there.. because 6 more pple's, and the many others out there who are doing this out of pure favour, hard work is at stake.. it's been dragging too long i guess.. taking up too much time.. eating up everyone's patience.. slow and torturous..

i start to ponder over wad my reactions mean.. i thot hard.. i never really got an answer.. instead learnt that i should not have brought my troubles back home.. well i seldom do feel upset like that.. but this is the 2nd time i've felt this way coz of stompaids.. perhaps then it is as he writes.. that u either become frens forever or u start to hate each other because of differences.. well well.. but then again he tells me.. that with a fighting spirit such as mine, i will not go down so easily.. i know i will persevere on.. i will fight on with the spirit he speaks of that i know is within me..

feeling like full time stompaids and part time student.. yet striving on

high and low...

2006-10-12T19:05:00.000+08:00

today's been a super eventful day.. eventful as in busy, frantic, hectic, wadever.. juz emotional highs and lows la..

haha waking me up at 7 plus means that it's not a very good start to the day.. very suprisingly i was on time for the osa meeting for stompaids.. thot we could settle lots of stuff one shot today at the meeting.. in terms of the location.. in the end i guess we were at a losing end in that we noe there really isn't anything much they could help in terms to pushing other activities backwards juz to get the location for us for that day.. thot it was their fault in not fulfilling their promise of blocking out the area, but in the end.... well i guess it was ours.. totally felt like it's just something out there stopping us from winning this thing.. coz previously i got really upset about our poor relationship with the organisers of stompaids.. well well.. i remember the 4 of us sitting outside osa trying to meditate and think of how to fire fight.... it's always the small little things we assume is correct ending up causing some huge problems.. but i'm glad we went asap coz it really puts us out of the assumptions and back on the ground to solve the problem.. not entirely resolved but i guess there are ways la...

went back home after we went to macs west coast for breakfast.. did a bit of work, then decided to go home to slp before our meeting with the organisers.. ok this time was my fault.. coz i was really lazy to leave home early.. in the end i frantically left home at 2.35pm thinking that i may be able to reach at 3pm, not knowing that the way i thot of how to go there was really the long roundabout way.. in the end i was panicking.. trying to find out the directions while contacting others we might be there early.. in the end everyone else seems later then me... so i really really panicked coz i din want to worsen our relationship with them by being late for their meeting.. in the end i reached hpb slightly later than 3, but realised i din noe exactly where it was.. after much phone calls, we realised we were at the wrong place.. miscomm yet again!!! ahhh... i was very upset, decided to just stay there till the other meeting at 4 @ hpb.. heh in the end i think they thot it was their mistake.. so not so bad.. :)

did a bit of networking with hpb pple, decided to sit in the room to wait till the meeting at 4pm.. realised a lot of good news in terms of sponsorship.. decided that this is a good day afterall.. and then the talk started abt the media release on monday and all.. and then while my spirits were quite high, we got some feedback abt our presentation and posters being too dramatic/controversial respectively.. i dunno wad effect it had on the rest, i was really quite saddened and demoralised.. and when i thot that it was gonna end as a bad day...

good news came.. and this is individual good news which is keeping my spirits up once more.. received a message from my fren saying that i got full marks!!! haha.. ok i noe it's a bit cocky but i'm juz happy abt it.. but afraid of the pressure i'm gonna put on myself and the expectations from my peers.. i guess many pple start to help me check my results coz they can remember my matric no... this is the second time this sem i didn't check my own results.. ohoh and another better news is... i'm richer!!!!!! yay.. haha.. got the study award from business school.. not too sure how much it is.. but yey! the money will come in next sem i think.. but i guess it's the prestige also... :)

was thinking abt the case club proposal i received.. was thinking of the different ways in which in can be done.. but it really got me thinking quite a bit last week.. on top of the many things i have to think abt.. but juz glad that my mid terms are all over.. everything is still so abstract in my mind abt the idea.. and i really feel quite lost without big bro in school.. really missed him that day.. but i got to noe some stuff that i'm happy to noe through this case club proposal.. haha though i really find it shocking.. but still.. very honoured and flattered.. glad that i've got really good seniors around and of course my big bro to ask.. still in the loop.. but after realising that they only offer year 3s the opportunity for external case, maybe the selections itself will let them do sth about getting their own training or wadever... put on hold... though i have my own reasons why i want it to go on..

a bit tired of doing stuff.. well there are really times i hope to juz sit down in the library everyday doing my school work.. instead of running around all the time tied up with activities.. but then again is this wad uni is abt? keeping urself busy and active.. my goal for next year is clear already.. i'll take part in most of the competitions which are offered to us.. as in the big names la.. juz wanna gain experience and presentation skills.. :)

lived lucky

2006-10-07T17:13:00.000+08:00

the summary for the past week is just the title of this post.. loved by lady luck for all the mid terms.. and living through the past week.. it's been one of my most intense weeks since the start of uni i think.. felt like i was studying for one of my major examinations, de jevu from my past career.. it's just coz of the frequency and the lack of time that made things so..

taking on so much kept my mid term break occupied.. not with studies but with other things that are so interesting yet time-consuming.. in the end i stressed myself out for all the tests in line.. yet shone upon me was the undeniable luck which made life so much easier than expected.. with a pool of past year papers, a website link passed to me out of goodwill, and of course the correct emphasis on studies.. i got lucky in most if not all of my tests.. working hard never felt so good when the effort receives the proportional results.. :)

scoring full marks felt like breaking the system.. haha.. perhaps it runs in the family yar.. with my bro topping the level for this same subject.. i'm just working hard to acheive something this sem.. so that i can go for commencement dinner the next year.. hahaha.. super funny reason i noe.. but it's juz me.. nonetheless i thot that shouldn't belong to me.. coz frankly i still don't entirely understand the whole subject.. and i din put in as much effort as some others i noe..

well.. juz a breather once again.. still glad that i s/ued my gem module.. so i don't have to slog away for the essay now.. juz put in minimal effort to come up with a 2000 word essay not worrying too much abt the grade.. haha.. first time in my life i tell pple that i will try to score something low enough for minimal effort but high enough to pass.. that's not too easy actually.. :)

case and more

2006-09-21T19:35:00.000+08:00

caught in between 2 committments today.. hence using this free time to update a bit.. so much abt time management! haha.. was in the process of writing another great work of art.. but decided that this should come first since my blog has been rather stagnant for a while.. getting myself too involved in things is my problem.. i don't seem to be able to noe when to stop.. so here i am.. free from my previous obligations but caught up with the present ones..

we got through for stompAIDS! haha wow i thot that was really commendable.. although we were quite confident abt our idea but we knew we had strong competitors.. still hating the all or nothing part, but it's $10K at stake! oh man.. my favourite phrase.. so near yet so far.. but maybe it's more than the money.. it's the achievement.. that also spells more night/mornings till 4am and more creative juices being sapped out.. JIAYOU! i have faith in my team members because i think we have strengths of our own which do not really overlap..

nonetheless i'm still a happy person.. today spent the whole time debating abt case to decide on the prelimaries results.. it was interesting and i felt powerful in that i could decide which team gets the 100 bucks.. haha.. but it's definitely more than that.. it was the fun we had among ourselves.. the laughter, jokes, the comments that should be forgetten after we leave the room, the tough decisions.. the entirely different perspective of a judge looking at scripts and then realising how profs actually mark papers.. and then understanding how different pple look at papers.. perhaps one'll learn more from that perspective to noe how to write a paper and impress..

feeling loved for the past few weeks.. although bro is not home.. seems like i've been blessed with pple around to take care of me.. thankful for that..

hope that that'll let me survive the hard cold fact that i've got 4 midterms, 1 quiz, 1 presentation, 1 essay due the week after next, followed by jill lowe, stompaids and case during mid term break..

handing over

2006-09-12T00:16:00.000+08:00

i haven't been the freer person i hoped to be after that faithful day.. 7th of Sept AGM.. my official handing over for the BizAd Club MC publications director position to the incoming 20th MC.. A relief i cannot really describe.. the fact not yet sunk in coz of the little loose ends i have to tie up for my successor.. nonetheless it means that my obligations end there..

jaded.. a word my friend used to describe we pple who have been through MC for one year.. i would like to think of it more of being seasoned.. experienced in our arena.. or perhaps overly experienced that we would like to stay away from it for a long while.. perhaps to took up sth beyond wad i could do.. perhaps i was not a good leader to start off with.. but definitely that one year term of office did sth to me..

i would have been harsh to say that the organisation has given me nothing.. perhaps i would have thot so before that.. but during AGM, when we were dressed so formally during an official handover, not only have all of us grown up, i also believe that bizad club has grown up too.. grown in the direction with all our inputs.. all our efforts.. and thinking of that all, for a committee made up of pple from diverse backgrounds, to achieve a certain synergy and understanding though we do not really interfere with one another's work is amazing.. and invaluable.. and the experience as a fire fighter.. and my own achievements..

lost.. another fellow colleague mentioned.. suddenly without such extra work from bizad club.. perhaps we'll realise after our lessons that we are so free.. and prob we won't be used to it.. haha.. interesting thot.. and i believe it'll exist in all of us.. but i noe i'll enjoy those free times at the moment..

as i hand over officially, i'll like to wish the committee all the best.. as for me.. life hasn't been too free.. in fact it's still been on the contrary.. with case and stompaids on hand now.. the hand over to a successor is for this year.. but prob i'll be successors to more than one organisation in the next.. hmm.. when will i ever be free?

burning flesh...

2006-08-31T21:13:00.000+08:00

1st time i realised wad's the smell of burning flesh.. trust me.. it's not a very pleasent smell.. esp when it's ur own..

yep.. today i underwent a very interesting experience.. and painful of course.. spent almost 4 hours at nsc.. most of the time i was waiting of course.. cutting the long story short, currently i have 2 skin tags on my eye gone.. and abt 3mm of that unknown object beside my ear removed and prob in the clinical labs now.. i feel quite brave now.. din really need psycholocial preparation towards the end coz of the long wait.. juz wanted to get it over and done with.. but lying on that patient's bed was an experience i never want to go through again if possible.. juz felt very defenceless..

but i learnt something new today.. never ignore any skin growths.. i had this thingie beside my year for as long as i can remember.. and the doctor can actually tell me that it might be this funny thing that have a very minor chance, but still a chance to become cancer! that's why she's gotta send it for biopsy.. to me it was absurd.. i mean i'm fine after so many years of it being there and not giving me any trouble.. i din actually go there for that purpose but more coz of the skin tag on my eye.. but suddenly it struck me that sth being there for so long does not mean that it's nothing..

so now i've got a stitch beside my ear.. and i'm starting to feel sth.. maybe coz the anesthetic is over.. but glad that i finished sth i always wanted to do.. =)

gender differences..

2006-08-27T23:51:00.000+08:00

a topic always of interest to me.. the study on gender differences.. check it out..

http://www.economist.com/opinion/PrinterFriendly.cfm?story_id=7245949

Bon Voyage!

2006-08-27T20:00:00.000+08:00

dedicated to my dear bro.. bon voyage!
really hope u enjoy urself there..
the same words: stay safe and healthy.. take care..
love lots always from us all :)

running

2006-08-27T19:40:00.000+08:00

wow it's been a week since i blogged.. and yes i just cannot describe how busy i was for the past week yet again.. today marks another breather for me.. for a newer beginning.. for a beginning of a different direction in school..

running.. it has been the highlight of my last week.. and perhaps for the most used word in school among the group of us.. are u running? haha.. for those we don't noe, biz management comm is doing the next round of elections of the new batch of mc pple.. and a choice of a good leader as a president was high in demand.. leave the politics behind for those are sensitive issues.. the moral of the story stands that i'll be free after the 7th of sept.. from my duties and obligations to bizad club.. congratulate me.. i'm a free person! haha..

anything but running.. no one tried to convince me.. maybe coz i was quite slack towards the end of my term.. maybe coz i'm not easily influenced.. the position of president could have been so appealing.. but we've got a weird situation this year.. hmm.. perhaps i was a little hard on that.. i cannot say that the club has not given me anything.. in fact the positives have been more than the negatives.. i came to realise when i was @ camp calibre.. the fun, friendship and the mutual understanding among most of the mc members is definitely invaluable.. and the exposure and achievements i have derived as a result.. but it's a marginal thing for me.. the additional year would not bring abt enough benefit to outweigh the negatives.. and judging from my own heartless words, i do not believe in passing on the baton to one who feels no passion for wad he/she does..

for me.. i feel relieved.. and to my dear friend/s who decided finally to continue this path.. i sincerely wish him all the best.. i only hope that it is out of his own accord after serious thot on the pros and cons.. i found it selfish to dissuade upon my own grounds.. everyone has their own agenda.. i hope that is in accordance to his.. :)

high @ infautuation mos!

2006-08-20T02:34:00.001+08:00

yep.. it's 2.32am.. i should be still @ mos if not for me forgetting to bring the key home.. i almost thot i'll be home at 10pm or sth.. right after the pageant programmes ended.. coz we were missing some happening people to bring out the fun in the lot.. i was looking for pple to hang out with.. then i suddenly felt a little lost as to who to look out for.. in the end everyone seemingly ended up outside, quite bored and tired..

with some company which i normally don't hang out with.. unexpectedly i had lots of fun till the extent that staying till morn did cross my mind.. of course i didn't in the end.. i'll juz get killed by my parents.. but i really must thank someone out there.. not naming here juz to prevent unnecessary scandals of any type.. haha.. but a cup of beer, some vodka sprite and 2 tequila shots.. it juz get me going.. technically i'm still a little unlike myself now.. seriously only both of us will noe how unlike ourselves we were.. but it was an enjoyable experience.. without the normal self restraint and burden of life..

passerbys muz have thot we were a couple.. but listening to our conversation would prove otherwise.. although he did tell me some stuff which i felt flattered by.. i once again only managed to speak of some truth in my feelings.. i named one.. but the other.. i was still afraid to tell.. i walked past him 4 times tonight.. in the club.. 4 times i was with different guys and our conversation was no more than words of acknowledgement..

carrying a big metal box with the video cam and the camera inside was definitely a hassle.. but thx a lot to many gentlemen who offered to help me with my cam.. ended up the cam wasn't such a problem to me anymore.. haha.. and thanks so much to those we helped me out in taking photos and videos! :) i can't thank you guys enough.. i was thinking of frens.. and i thank those frens who lend a supporting hand from below when i'm sinking down from pressure or depression..

it feels like a night whereby u do crazy things and u noe that tmr morn.. u'll either forget abt them totally and be the prim and proper self again.. but meanwhile u enjoy the night without that self restraint, without pretending that u are alright.. this is the night.. high~

a break...

2006-08-16T19:17:00.000+08:00

a luxury to have a break to type this today.. to think that it's so ironical to be so busy and yearning for a rest just at the start of sch.. i've been late for 3 lessons on 3 consecutives days... getting quite used to sitting at the last row in the lt.. haha..

communication break down @ home with the maid has caused some emotional pressure on me.. and the work which seemed so cluttered together in the first week of school made up the rest of the stress.. so basically i'm busy all the time.. writing articles and looking for pictures and comments for biz leads.. doing posters and email runs for nominations publicity.. writing reports and designation description for mc.. selling and buying textbooks.. planning tutorials.. those i finished in 3 days.. i've still got case publicity, jill lowe competition and rag video to complete by fri.. thank goodness tmr is a free day for me..

went out today to watch click with jx.. this is the second time we went to watch a movie and it is the second time i met my uni frens.. believe it or not.. there's nothing really much to explain.. juz a fren.. it was a movie which i cried over.. but an interesting movie with the moral behind reminding people abt how we treat life.. i felt so sad for him when he realises that he uncontrollably wastes away his life without going through the process of living..

after that we decided to go shopping.. then i realised how deprived i was.. haven't been to town for so long that i realised that there were so many things to buy that i dunno where to start.. but shopping with a guy was still quite weird.. haha.. but i did enjoy juz hanging around in town remembering that i have things to buy and should go shopping again soon.. =)

the week has been concerned with mc elections again.. and unknowingly a year has passed.. it's time to withdraw from the frontline of bizad, moving more towards the backend.. we achieved many, we sacrificed some.. i can only say that one year is enough.. this academic year will be one focused on studies..

emotions

2006-08-11T15:14:00.000+08:00

lately i've been a little flustered up coz of the absence of a maid at home.. it's a long story.. but i've juz realised how spoilt i am after all the defence when pple try to imply that i'm one.. a week without a maid has been emotionally traumatic for me.. not only coz that meant that i've gotta do make do with not having breakfast on the table for me every morning, not having clothes back up on the shelf nicely washed and ironed, not having dinner on the table every evening i get back.. but also coz i can't juz forget abt everything and live in a pig sty coz my mum will end up doing all the work.. and when my mum is stressed out.. that's not sth very nice to see.. so it's been housework for me for the past week.. and realising how fortunate i was for the past 20 years that i did not live one day without a maid.. until last week..

now everything's back to normal.. or almost back to normal.. other than having to teach the new maid slowly on the normal operations at home.. and trying to overcome the language barrier.. but of course life's much better now.. at least i don't have to make sure that i bring out the key all the time coz the door will not be locked when i get home.. :)

not helping out was the fact that i've been busy with school stuff.. namely oweek and flag.. flag was a day long thingie.. and i was the driver.. yes i was one.. i dunno how i managed to survive that.. but it was also an emotionally traumatic experience for me.. i specifically mentioned that i'm not too good with directions.. asking them to only give me the area i stay in.. orchard, somerset, and bukit timah.. which they did.. but somehow or another most decided that ryan's area was a much better area to flag.. i sent one grp of them from orchard to cityhall.. and picked another supposedly in somerset from bugis.. and the route i travelled to connect the 2 has been rather unorthodox.. till now i still dunno the way to connect the 2 without paying erp.. oops.. considering all that kap was a much friendlier place to do collection of cans.. but i thank all of them for the cooperation by calling me one after another.. the silent cooperation.. haha..

oweek ended yest with the conclusion of dean's evening.. of which i was said to look like everything.. bad tempered, angry, sleepy, tired.. but actually i was in a good mood and was very high.. haha.. don't ask me why the contridiction.. other than sentosa games that day which marked the oweek which made the difference, i thot dean's evening last night had not been the best, but it was a commendable effort from us all.. frankly oweek manpower never was enough.. and the lack of experience pple had made some overlook details and made things super last minute.. but of course with help from each other things would and did turn out alright.. i got to noe some frens, got to noe others better while working with them.. and these frens seem like those u're at ease when u're with them.. no need lots of effort to maintain coz they are juz in close proximity.. while of course they having fun scaring me coz of the plain darkness backstage.. haha.. and it seemed like another of those times when the seniors are having fun among ourselves.. (another was sentosa having fun dunking pple in the sea)

had tarot card reading yest which i was courageous enough to be the 2nd to try.. heh don't need to queue up.. haha.. it sounded too good to be true.. love life, career, success.. of course turn away from ur worries now.. and go ur own path.. sounds super generic i noe.. but i choose to believe because when u believe, it'll come true in the end.. =)

likes and dislikes

2006-08-08T15:25:00.000+08:00

people relations are interesting.. have u ever wondered why some people appeal to you, while others do the opposite, and the rest just don't clique with you.. yet again the story becomes different when the protagonist is another person..

i'm starting to realise that some people do the opposite to me.. and lately i've realised my decreasing tolerance level for them.. i've gotta admit to my hidden amiable personality as one predicted so accurately.. (i'm still impressed by his judgement of character..) but perhaps age has taught me to courgaeously choose who i want to be with or not be with.. i wonder whether there is anyone in the world who feel no dislike for anyone they are in contact with.. hmm..

yet again interestingly.. my likes for pple are rather long lasting.. although rumours have been spreading like wild fire.. to the extent that a senior asked my bro @ commencement dinner how i was.. but i don't think i should be afraid of his knowledge and stop me from writing abt him.. when his name is mentioned within my conversations with my frens, it puts a smile on my face.. when i read abt him, it captivates me.. when i think of him, it inspires me.. why then should i stop?

a miraculous twist of fate allowed the existence of a frenship between us.. one which i cherish most greatly.. nonetheless i've told many that it would remain as such.. if u've ever truly felt that a guy would be a great bf but u noe that his gf would not be u.. not because u're not good enough for him or vice versa but juz coz u noe u're not his type.. this is the feeling i have for him.. honestly..

wad confuses things are when likes suddenly appear out of the blue.. a fren whom u're not exactly close to but are a little more than acquaintances.. a person u see often yet there wasn't any feeling until suddenly.. suddenly u're more attentive to his words and actions.. suddenly from nowhere.. hmm.. things might not be different for him.. but different for you.. when u see him now.. how would you react?

BZ Magazine!

2006-08-08T15:05:00.000+08:00

Finally, announcing the arrival of BZ Magazine Edition 05/06! yea it sounds a little old.. but maybe juz coz it was a year long effort put in by me and my team.. frankly it was my endless time sitting in front of the computer getting stressed out by writing articles and choosing pictures.. and lots of sacrifice in terms of of academics.. but nonetheless.. the efforts paid off.. and the results are better than expected..

it's almost a week old already.. the first thing i did when i received it on thurs was: dash to the clubroom.. pick up the first one and started flipping through.. i wasn't reading or even registering anything.. i mean i've read enough of the articles and seen enough of the pictures during the process.. it was more like i wanted to feel it.. the final product.. my time and effort.. even till today.. when i see someone i noe carrying it around.. i'll juz borrow it, flip it open, close it, and return it back.. sounds weird.. hmm...

but the feeling of having something of ur effort, of ur overall coordination being so successful, everyone who may or may not noe that it is ur product holding on to it, reading it intently.. is indescribable.. and during this period i've gotta thank those who have offered help to me in one way or another.. who gave me encouragement when they saw me stressed out in front of the computer for the umpteenth time.. thank you all..

gave it all out to the freshies.. but i thot that the seniors deserved it more coz ultimately it is the story abt them.. i've still got another 300+ copies.. and i haven't really given it out to the seniors yet.. yep people complain abt their pictures being not too nice, complain that they appear too much or don't appear in the mag, and yes people talk abt me being biased.. haha but oh well.. i promote things more when i feel that they are beneficial to the rest.. and of course there are mistakes in the mag which i hoped for it to be corrected.. but perfection is sometimes too demanding when people are involved..

i kept 5 copies for myself.. can keep as momento cum portfolio.. haha.. but i'm proud of my team and my work.. and i'm proud enough to have approaced all our vice deans and corporate development pple and given them a copy.. the school may wanna reprint another 1000 or 2000 copies for distribution of jcs.. hmmm.. gotta go find out the cost and dig out the contract with regard to reprinting..

i thank the commendments from all.. on the balance in the coverage, on the design layout which frankly is not done by me haha.. on the choice of pictures, even on the accuracy of prediction of relationships by star signs.. try it.. i've really received many comments on that! haha..

russian experience

2006-08-08T13:19:00.000+08:00

realised i haven't had the time to update on my recent trip to russia! yep an exotic place i noe.. many of my frens react in interesting manners when i mentioned that i'll be taking a 10 day holiday to this country seemingly far north of the earth..

nonetheless the fact that i lagged in blogging abt this experience doesn't make it less interesting.. perhaps only implying that i din meet any guy who proved my international tendencies right.. haha.. oh well.. the tour guides were all ladies.. very pretty ladies actually..

i cannot deny the fact that going on a holiday makes me yearn for that extraordinary feeling.. it certainly brought back the beautiful memories of my turkish experience.. perhaps only when i'm in that relaxed mode can i recreate that feeling.. one which i am unable to feel during my normal daily routine.. one which is juz so different yet special.. one which cannot be felt now but will never be forgotten..

russia! a rather mysterious and seemingly conservative country to most.. because of the fact that their understanding of that country is greatly limited.. no fault of theirs (i was one of them) because of the mere cultural changes the country has been through over history.. yet the beauty of the evidence of different cultures are those which became so valuable that people from all over the world travel there to witness for themselves..

the st basils in moscow and the kremlins , one of the most significant icons of russia; the palace square and magnificant winter palace in st petersburg; the summer palace in petershof; the remains of the romonav dynasty.. the red square in moscow; monuments of lenin; stalin houses and seven sisters; the evidence of the communist era.. war memorials; canons, tanks and firearms; reconstructed palaces, cathedrels and buildings.. the obvious traces of the destruction of world war II.. the many macdonalds along the way as the sign of westernisation? or perhaps juz the spreading of pop culture..

that is the story of russia.. till now i guess.. and to answer some questions.. russia has already become a democratic country.. in the sense they do have elections and they have a capitalist economy.. and also, it is not snowing all year round.. in summers (when i went) it is abt 10+ to 20+ degrees.. good weather.. but summers are not very long.. sadly.. and true enough their winters are literally freezing cold.. (one of the reason for the defeat of napolean and germany in wwII..) i did get to experience white nights though.. that means 24hr daylight in st petersburg.. cool eh.. and we managed to watch swan lake, the famous ballet show in st petersburg.. fantastic is the only word i think apt to describe it.. =)

to those who seem interested in going to russia for your next holiday.. although it was an eye opening experience, i would think that waiting a while more for their tourism industry to flourish would seem a better choice as yet.. and consider that 13 + 1 hr transit in dubai flight there.. actually quite a turn off to me la.. oops.. and for another.. i totally enjoy the efficiency and comfort at home.. u'll never truly understand it until u're deprived of it.. haha..

let truth be told

2006-07-18T12:33:00.000+08:00

perhaps the emptiness is cured.. perhaps it is juz a front for all to see.. but my efforts in keeping myself occupied has been rather successful.. now i yearn to stay home to do nothing..

went out on sat with yh and sx.. frankly i wasn't feeling very right that night.. so i suggested we do sth a little crazier than normal.. we ended up in a pub.. the balcony! a place i heard so many times abt but never really got into.. yupz and being like regulars we ordered the drinks without the menu.. haha.. but i came to realise drinking requires the right company and the right mood.. that's me and my affinity with alcohol..

i guess the atmosphere and the alcohol got us talking abt stuff we usually won't talk abt.. like a truth or dare session.. without the dare part.. haha.. the taboo subjects perhaps i would never dream of talking abt in jc.. there they were that night.. no lies, no hesistation, only truth.. i did manage to poke into some of the moral questions i never dared discuss.. with my somewhat half hypothetical questions.. but i realised my answer had always been there.. doing the right thing..

*squashed

2006-07-12T23:09:00.000+08:00

it was an anti climax ending for my internship, but a start to the well earned break for me.. to fill that emptiness which surfaced almost immediately after the photoshoot for career services on fri, i started planning for the 2 weeks before my trip to Russia..

first was the long planned squash game with ian on mon.. which according to him we planned one and a half months ago.. wad would i become if i forgot abt that? but indeed i got squashed.. lost all 9 sets.. plus the persistant aches and pains still present now.. i couldn't even stand up like a normal person.. so u could imagine how much exercise i did before that day.. oops.. haha..

but picking up an old sport was definitely rewarding.. it was 7 years ago when i used that racquet, playing in the courts of RGS for a year.. now that racquet is obsolete.. seriously gotta invest in one more if this were to be a regular sport.. but it was really good exercise after which i felt healthier.. =)

and to prove my determination in losing weight.. haha.. i accepted the invitation to play tennis tennis on tues.. after my meeting abt case and my dental appointment trying to fill my tooth, i went limping to attempt to play tennis.. it was alright during the game.. but i guess the after effects just made everything else worse.. but tennis was fun.. and then again i felt healthier..

today i really couldn't take the aches anymore.. no plans of doing sports.. juz went out for a sinful lunch and watched pirates.. haha.. hilarious show.. no less funny than the first.. though i can't really remember the first one already.. hmm.. good thing i managed to resist the dessert temptations today.. haha..

lunch/shopping + tuition tmr, sports again on fri.. steamboat on sat, hoping to invest in my squash racquet on sun.. lunch buffet on mon.. tues wed thurs.. doesn't sound like i'll be very free.. fri.. russia!!! hope this will solve my emptiness problem.. =)

the epitome of sportsmanship

2006-07-10T19:22:00.000+08:00

i sat in front of my television, anxious and excited over the upcoming live broadcast of the wimbledon men's singles finals.. i knew who i supported so avidly.. don't ask me how he could have commanded so much support from one who noes nothing about him other than his tennis game.. or in fact millions..

no more roddick this time.. but the story stays the same.. the display of ultimate sportsmanship, breathtaking tennis and mental strength from them both.. i never really watched a full tennis match before.. and this time made all the difference in that i started to appreciate it as a fantastic tennis match, a battle between 2 great sportsman, rather than plain rivalry.. of course i still truly wanted federer to win.. almost biting off all my fingernails.. haha.. =)

i'm glad he did after the losing to nadal 4 times this year.. it proved to himself and the rest of the world the value of being crowned the champion.. we love you federer! =) but yest changed my view on nadal as well.. and i was just reminded that he's younger than me.. unthinkable.. but totally commendable.. he's made history and he's shown the immense fighting spirit which won him the increased support of many.. i applaud them both for the impressive display of excellent tennis..

the stranger

2006-07-08T17:27:00.000+08:00

i noe i haven't been blogging.. not so much coz there's no material.. but more like too much has been happening.. mostly revolving around work and tuition.. which the tuition is so much better paying.. haha.. still sore abt the pay i get for my intern..

yest marked the end of my 6 week internship.. in his words.. like a short read.. maybe the fact that i'm still safe and sound sitting at home means something.. but the saddest thing is my fear of trusting him beyond the current status now.. we speak of friendship.. but i do not know of friendship which lacks trust.. maybe then he should be nothing more than a stranger juz passing by in my life..

i was never afraid to show my guard against him.. i am clear in my mind wad this should and should not turn out.. i would choose to believe that he was certain too.. and from his words as a staunch Christian.. when he spoke of love and guidance.. i was almost sure.. yet i pulled back.. at the back of my mind i warned myself against being so trusting.. the fact was that he has lived and experienced 24 more years than i and my peers have.. i couldn't treat him and his thinking like he was one of our kind..

he never saw through me more than i saw through him.. not because i was better in judging people.. but because he dared to speak of his life to me.. but i restrained myself from speaking too much.. and of course i have a far more complex personality than him.. (which i haven't been able to figure out myself)yet despite my awkward age with respect to his doubling the confusion, he has taught me more than what goes on in the corporate world.. he has assured me the possiblity of my expectations..

a twist of fate, the sudden absentee of a fellow usher for the alumni homecoming event.. a door of opportunity, my allocation to ushering the corporate partners.. a stroke of luck, his initiation of conversation with me and the availability of my namecard.. a moment of courage, the picking up of my handphone dialling his number, and the fearless meetup in town.. a month and a half of extraodinary experience, no more ordinary than his..

i thank him from the bottom of my heart.. for his endless encouragement, for his valuable mentorship on the corporate world, work and life, for the unconditional help beyond internship work, and for the feeling of being valued and empowered, for the lifts i get home almost everyday, and for the deep efforts unknown to me..

yet let this be how far it can go.. maybe then i'm seen as a person of stone cold heart.. it is never like me.. but if being myself will change status quo, then let me be the stranger to my heart..

still learning...

2006-06-24T17:23:00.000+08:00

juz when u thot u've grown up and seen the world.. u realise that there is still so much in life to learn.. i've learnt more lessons for the past week..

my work has been as usual after my sick leave.. thurs, fri and mon.. nothing more exciting then interviewing pple and going for media interviews.. and having expensive lunches with big shots.. haha..

after which was the long awaited foc.. a mon-thurs camp.. i joined in only on mon night.. and had to leave on wed.. perhaps coz of the gap between me and the freshies coz i din join in at first.. perhaps i din put in the effort in the first place coz i was exceptionally tired.. or maybe coz i've changed roles to become a councillor instead of an on freshie juz having that drive to be enthusiastic.. it was different.. a feeling of nostalgia.. a feeling that i've outgrown this.. that i no longer belong to it.. no doubt sentosa was fun because it was always wad i thot was the highlight of the camp.. but it was not so much the games but more coz of the pple.. i noe most seniors who are there.. i'm familiar with the pple and culture.. i have frens there.. more importantly i've come to realise how much bizad has shaped my personality.. whether i like it or not..

i thank those who have given me words of concern when i most needed them.. the trauma made me so vulnerable i broke down without knowing why.. i dare not say that the accident changed my life.. but it has definitely woken me up to my priorities in life.. and of course it has taught me a most inexpensive lesson in life.. i am only grateful for the low cost of wad could have been cost me my life or the lives of others.. the most heartwarming words were those of gravity with concern, letting me understand that i'm but a 20 year old in this world.. still learning..

i remember the fifth of november

2006-06-14T18:18:00.000+08:00

din really have time to pay a tribute to one of my favourite films - V for vendetta! i was very much affected for days by the film after i watched it.. thinking abt the issues brought up.. the age old issues of terrorism vs freedom fighters, the paradox of the methods used by govt and terrorist.. in the film perhaps V was the hero in our eyes.. i'd love to believe he was.. but his methods.. how different were they from the govt's attempt to create fear in pple? and one part i never could understand is how he was ever able to treat the one he loved in the way he did.. is it love to rid her of her fears? or to let her understand that an idea is more impt than life itself? and thinking abt wad other issues i never managed to pick up from the film..

some quotes i loved:

Evey: Remember, remember, the fifth of November, gunpowder treason and plot. I know of no reason why the gunpowder treason should ever be forgot.

We are told to remember the idea, not the man. Because a man can fail. He can becaught, he can be killed and forgotten. But four hundred years later an idea can still change the world. I've witnessed firsthand the power of ideas. I've seen people kill in the name of them; and die defending them. But you cannot touch an idea, cannot hold it or kiss it. An idea does not bleed, it cannot feel pain, and it does not love. And it is not an idea that I miss, it is a man.

V: Voilà! In view, a humble vaudevillian veteran, cast vicariously as both victim and villain by the vicissitudes of Fate. This visage, no mere veneer of vanity, is a vestige of the vox populi, now vacant, vanished. However, this valorous visitation of a by-gone vexation, stands vivified, and has vowed to vanquish these venal and virulent vermin van-guarding vice and vouchsafing the violently vicious and voracious violation of volition.
The only verdict is vengeance; a vendetta, held as a votive, not in vain, for the value and veracity of such shall one day vindicate the vigilant and the virtuous.
Verily, this vichyssoise of verbiage veers most verbose, so let me simply add that it is my very good honor to meet you and you may call me V

Evey: Who are you?
V: Who? Who is but the form following the function of what, and what I am is a man in a mask.
Evey: Well I can see that.
V: Of course you can. I'm not questioning your powers of observation, I'm merely remarking upon the paradox of asking a masked man who he is.

V: I, like God, do not play with dice and do not believe in coincidence.

V: People should not be afraid of their governments. Governments should be afraid of their people.

V: But again, if truth be told... if you are looking for the guilty, you need only look in the mirror.

V: A building is a symbol, as is the act of destroying it. Symbols are given power by people. A symbol, in and of itself is powerless, but with enough people behind it, blowing up a building can change the world.

V: Beneath this mask there is more than flesh. Beneath this mask there is an idea.. and ideas are bulletproof.

Evey: I don't want you to die.
V: That's the most beautiful thing you could have ever given me.

Finch: Who was he?
Evey: He was Edmond Dantés... and he was my father. And my mother... my brother... my friend. He was you... and me. He was all of us.

the academics of attraction

2006-06-14T17:36:00.000+08:00

heard from yh that day.. thot it made a lot of sense.. the social psychology explaining attraction..

1. proximity
physical closeness is key to attraction.. when u see a person often.. the tendency to get attracted is higher.. but when space is ur enemy.. attraction will vanish..
tell me abt it.. i'm experienced..

2. similarity
according to academics.. the idea that opposites attract seem less convincing.. if 2 pple are more similar in thinking etc. it's easier for them to relate to each other..

3. reciprocity
when u noe that another person likes u, it is easier for u to do the same.. perhaps it's coz of the fear of rejection? perhaps it juz feels good when u feel valued.. oh well.. are we all not victims of the underestimation of this?

attraction.. relationships.. it's really confusing these days..

potent mixture

2006-06-14T17:21:00.000+08:00

overdose of carbonara + cigarette smoke + carbon monoxide + insufficient sleep = a genuine sick leave

yupz hence perhaps there'll be lots of posts today.. since i'm quite free at home now.. i slept till afternoon today.. after deciding in the morn that i needed more rest.. din do much after that.. talked to a couple of pple online.. found out that xy is back!!! how exciting.. then finally settled down to write a super long email with regard to work.. and now this..

an eventful day...

2006-06-10T00:57:00.000+08:00

perhaps an understatement.. haha.. with a mixture of excitement, honour, embarrassment, happiness and sadness..

the day started off not too well.. i was late for work as usual.. although my boss is never ever on time.. haha.. but somehow i feel bad being late.. anyway i opened my nus mail in the office and got this..

Dear Rebecca,
I refer to your appeal for review of the examination results for the above module.
Your appeal has been duly considered by the department. Upon the review, it is now confirmed that there are no errors in your results.
I therefore re-affirm the results conveyed to you earlier.

yes i requested for a review of my results.. i knew somehow that there wasn't any error.. but i was so upset with it that i had to do something.. at least i know i've tried to salvage it in anyway i could and i now know wad went wrong.. we fail.. but success is perhaps the learning from failures.. i'm hoping to learn the art of learning..

the first step i've succeeded in was not to get affected.. my work helped me a lot.. coz it was during working hours i received the news.. i have to admit that the first few minutes i was saddened.. but thereafter the excitement in work made me feel that there are greater stuff for me to do outside of school worrying abt results.. and the greater stuff is interviewing pple!!

haha.. actually i juz requested to sit in for the interview that my boss was conducting.. coz he needs to fill in 2 perm staff positions in his dept.. my boss being such a nice boss.. haha.. of course he agreed.. :) without being interviewed into this internship, i sat in and commented on the candidates in the end.. yar i noe.. i always always skip steps..

i told him he was too picky.. haha.. but he did mention to me the difficulty in employing a suitable perm staff into the positions.. and i thought that i understood wad criterias of the person he requires.. so we interviewed 2 candidates in the morning in the office.. ard half and hour each.. i din ask any questions though.. coz those pple were all at least 10 yrs my senior.. it was rather tiring.. having to listen to wad the person had to say.. at the same time looking at the transcripts.. looking at their body language.. and he wasn't very nice in the interview room.. very much different from the boss i knew coz he was quite intimidating and demanding.. in fact i told him after he rejected the first candidate right on the spot that he was quite direct abt it.. after which he did decide that he was too harsh.. hahha..

but it was a whole new experience.. it was exchanging positions to understand wad the interviewer wants.. and the little don'ts during interviews.. the little things make the difference.. overconfidence may seem like arrogance.. body language tells a lot.. and smile.. haha.. yupz.. and i feel very honoured that he values my opinion a lot.. he'll ask wad i feel and i'll tell him my comments.. ok i din pass the first 2 candidates though.. oops..

afterwhich we went out for lunch and then coffee/tea.. during which i found out that i did one of the most embarrassing things in my life.. i was gossipping with my fren abt him and whether he had a family during my first week my work.. he totally looked single.. and for abt 4-5 days i knew him he never spoke of his family.. i din dare to ask either.. but i was curious.. really.. only until a lunch meeting we had that he mentioned a daughter.. nothing more than that.. so i got even more curious.. and so when we were juz chatting as usual.. i subtly dug it out of him.. i contained my excitement.. only after i knocked off and we parted did i msg my fren..

my sms: "i dug it out of him.. he's happily married with 2 kids.. i din tell him wad we thot initally though.. haha.." (the rest of the msg is not impt) and guess wad.. i msged the wrong person!!! the second i pressed send i immediately canceled it.. i checked my sent items.. and there wasn't anything.. so i happily thought the send wasn't successful.. and it totally was off my mind.. but on sat morn he msged me sth weird.. he asked me wad was my first impression of him.. i din reply also coz i din manage to read it in time.. then the following msg he asked me not to worry was said he was juz making fun of my sms.. i genuinely thot he was just being funny trying to disturb me (not in a good way) i really din noe that he meant that sms..

until today.. i totally could feel blood rushing all the way to my face and ears.. i was so damn embarrassed and kept apologizing to him.. and i told him the truth abt my impression of him.. hmm he knew it wasn't something good.. but i think he understands that in our attempt not to be gullible we would rather suspect first then suspect later.. and guess wad.. i'm still on guard even up till now..

i was disorientated for a while.. nothing he said abt work went into my mind.. but afterwhich i realised we had to go back for a meeting where he had to do some presentation with the power point slides i did.. hahaha.. and he hadn't looked @ it when the meeting was in 1 hrs time.. i told him that i think he trusts me a lot.. luckily i din get him disappointed this time.. :)

and the funny thing is that soon after the advisor of the intitative organisation i'm involved in came for the meeting as well.. and me being respectful offered to get a cup of coffee for him.. and when i came back and he asked me how long i'll be working on this intern.. (i'll be ending on the 7th july) he asked me to go work for him as an intern after that.. hahahahaha.. it was hilarious.. and i felt flattered once again.. but i din accept nor reject it coz i thot i should let my boss noe.. after the meeting my boss asked me wad we talked abt.. and i told him he's got a rival poaching me over.. but somehow he seemed like he expected it and wasn't too supportive of it..

i told my boss that i was impressed with his presentation.. i truly was because he could bring in so many relevant examples not included in my slides.. juz @ the back of his hand.. whoa.. we then went for another interview over dinner.. i juz had the urge to tag along coz i think i'm addicted to listening to interviews and having a hand in deciding who gets employed.. oops.. haha..

@ dinner i received a call from one of my seniors.. and asked me to join in the organising committee for the internal case competition.. u noe.. the one i got so *ahem inspired.. hahaha.. how could i reject that? coz they thot it'll be better to have a junior inside such that they do not have to worry abt the succession of it in future years.. although that means that i cannot participate in that competition.. but i'll still strive for a chance in the external ones once if there were opportunities.. yes i skip the steps again.. but all the rest of them are seniors we are experienced in external case competitions.. so i guess i could ask them abt it and all.. :) and u noe wad that implies? be inspired pple.. be inspired..

and for the last interview.. i could feel that wad my boss needed was juz confirmation abt his opinion.. and he said he could feel that i passed the person too.. prob it was my subconscious body language when i'm judging pple again.. haha.. i think we were both impressed with each other's sharp judgement and sensing of judgement.. maybe i should go into HR yar.. haha.. before we parted he said that he noes how to use me the way no one else will noe.. wah.. i'm looking forward to noeing and developing it too coz i don't really noe my strengths yet..

i went to meet up with long lost frens after that.. with my jc mates i haven't met for years.. literally.. when i reached there i almost gave the rest of them a shock.. haha coz i guess i looked different.. it's my hair and my dressing la.. the dressing is not my fault.. i had work mah.. we talked most of the time.. noeing wad each other is doing and all.. it was great to catch up with frens and bring back memories of the past.. the guys went to watch world cup in the end.. but i was too dead tired by 10 plus that i had to go home to rest.. couldn't last till 11.50pm outside anymore..

overconfidence or the lack of it?

2006-06-08T22:25:00.000+08:00

i've been rather busy with my work.. but the issue had been in my mind all week and time and again i was reminded abt it.. hence a lagged entry on the recent talk abt our school advert and a little more..

it's not like me to be politically incorrect.. and openly so.. but somehow i felt that i had to write abt it.. no criticisms from me for there are already too many.. no sacarsm from me coz they are in no way constructive.. but i have to admit my disappointment..

is it the lack of confidence/modesty of singaporeans? or is it the overconfidence on the school's side? there is often a fine line.. but there is a always a difference between being good and being better.. our school is good.. but when speak in relative terms with the world's finest, the talk abt being better becomes mockery..

i pride myself to be in the school, and try to help the school when it is within my capabilities.. i try to understand the differences looking from the perspective of an outsider.. and proposing opportunities for the students and the school during my work.. hoping to bring back some feedback as well as value addedness at the end of my internship.. (of course my boss has given me a lot of space to do wad i want)it saddens when i have to admit our weaknesses, to see how our competitors win in areas of dynamism, efficiency and proactiveness.. but there is hope when we realise wad we are lacking in and improve on them..

however, if we forsake what i believe are our strengths which i personally stand by, the depth in thinking, the humility in learning, and the modesty in showing.. then my faith in our reputation will be shakened.. i do not believe we should and can compete in the same approach as our competitors, because we are clearly lacking the leadership required for movement in that direction.. instead we should leverage on our unique strengths in which our competitors can never achieve.. and at the same time look into our weaknesses to improve on them.. for a start, we should build more friendly relationships with the corporate world proactively..

perhaps i sounded pessimistic.. but these are my first thots upon reading the news and recalling the obvious differences in my experiences working with the school and our competitors for the past one and a half weeks.. call me conservative.. but i cannot bring myself to express support..

nonetheless i cannot agree more with bjorn that this could be positive learning material.. but perhaps the most difficult part is admitting our mistake.. http://bjornlee.wordpress.com/2006/06/04/nus-business-school-commercials-visibility-vs-message/

a hectic week...

2006-06-02T22:31:00.000+08:00

an apt description of the past 5 days.. din even have time to blog.. so here's a recount coz finally i have the weekend to break and recharge..

~internship~
***work***
i started interning since monday afternoon.. it's gonna be a 6 week long thingie.. and there really seems to be lots of plans going on for june.. my job for the start of the week was to research into this topic of family governance which there will be a forum held in collaboration with smu.. i think most people won't noe abt the topic coz it's a new idea coming up.. was supposed to write my boss a report on it by the end of the week.. but somehow i feel super inefficient to spend 5 days researching and writing a 2 page report on it.. haha.. so i sent to him yest.. and told him to find me more stuff to do.. hahaha.. so i think there's another topic now on MICE.. up and coming industry in singapore.. so a collaboration would be interesting.. =)

other than that actually i'm really given a lot of space to do wad i like.. i mean there's events planning in the company too.. which i noe plenty of us are dying to do.. haha.. i did sit in one of the meetings discussing the upcoming launch event for ybf, then i started to realise the difficulty within.. somehow i din really like the logistics involved.. hmm.. something to look forward to would be the meeting to discuss things with smu, nus and stb, together with some mention of dealing with the press.. media industry leh.. exciting! haha.. =)

***welfare***
ok.. i think i've got super good welfare for this internship.. maybe coz i got to noe my boss first before i went for this internship.. instead of it being the other way around.. and i'm certain those who have talked to me abt my work or during my work recently will totally agree with me.. can come late for work (as in he told me specifically that if i can't make it at 8.45 can come in at 9 plus..), always having tea breaks with him in between work time, which can last up to an hr and a half, no restricted time for lunch break.. coz sometimes we meet pple to have lunch outside, allowing me to leave the office as and when i like.. if i feel bored.. i mean he actually said can go shop around the area for a while juz to walk around.. haha.. and he shoos me off work even before 5.30pm.. sends me near home if it's on the way..

i esp like the humane and personal boss-subordinate relationship.. don't get me wrong.. i don't mean anything else other than the absence of a hierarchy or status difference.. he asked me to treat him like my professor.. but now i think we treat each other as frens.. and i always learn better when the relationship is not tense.. because i dare to ask questions abt things i don't understand in work or anything else.. and i am impressed with the way he can admit that he learns things from me in front of other people.. i think he understands the importance of a more personal learning environment from his own experience ba.. and i'm glad he's willing to help young people.. like me and i believe many more to come in the future..

i think many of u might think i got this coz the guy has some ulterior motive.. hmm i can't deny that he likes me as a fren.. (like being juz the opposite of dislike) and honestly thinking back, i was courageous enough to agree to meeting him or working for him in the first place.. but i thot that missing out this opportunity coz i was afraid that this guy is up to no good was a waste.. i was on guard though.. seriously.. i did think of wad to do if he made any advances.. i would prob give him a tight slap and run.. hmm i actually dunno whether i'm capable of that.. haha.. but i don't think it is necessary now.. but i'm still on guard actually..

***rivalry***
the inevitable.. and prob the highlight of the week.. my boss has ties with both smu and nus biz schools.. i got to noe him thru the bschool alumni function.. but i came to realise his frenlier ties with smu and the collaboration which he would be doing on family governance.. i started getting curious why smu and not nus.. it's natural for me to ask right.. haha.. and i came to understand why.. it is interesting to see the difference from the perspective of an employer and a person within the corporate world.. and i don't blame them.. but since i'm there and the opportunity is lying in front of nus biz school.. i decided that why not propose to the school to take it up? i mean it's really good and free PR.. seriously.. it's free advertisement!

after much discussion with my boss abt it.. and getting past all his ideas on making us jealous and putting me in a fix by having me helping smu do this forum successfully and all.. i don't really noe whether he was joking abt that actually.. but he did ask me to try contacting our vice-deans to ask them abt a possible collaboration.. which of course i did immediately.. after which it was moved to the corporate development side as always.. but still it's a start.. he still wouldn't let me do the nus one.. coz he juz wanna make me do the smu one.. sigh.. but nonetheless an opportunity for me to show that nus students are no different from smu ones.. ok maybe i'm a little stressed out abt that though.. meeting smu prof next week to talk abt the forum..

the rivalry remains.. perhaps within me.. but frenly rivalry as always.. maybe i took this up also to prove a point abt nus biz students to him.. and he admitted that i did make him eat his words with the report.. coz it's almost like an academic paper.. haha.. din think it was very much appropriate but he was impressed la.. and i'll be telling him that this is the normal quality of work that nus gives.. haha.. after which i will still be all out to impress.. =)

i have been talking abt the career services which both schools provide.. and i saw a 400 page compliation of resumes of graduates from smu given to my boss.. honestly i was impressed by their proactive approach to help their students get a career and internships.. and as my senior mentioned.. they got it right.. wad is most impt for us all is CAREER! should i or should i not say.... hmm..

***exposure***
this is the whole purpose of this intership.. i think he worries everytime he see me sitting in front of my computer terminal.. haha.. on the 3rd day he came up to me and said 'boring huh..' haha.. and was trying to reassure me that there would be more out of office meetings after this week.. sure enough today was whole day out of office meetings.. went for 3 of them.. and he loves throwing some parts of the talking to me after he's tired of talking.. frankly i got a shock when he did it the first time today.. suddenly he juz said that 'oh i'll hand over the explanation of that to my assistant..' i was totally blanked out inside.. luckily i din show too much of it.. after explaning i went to the washroom immediately.. when i came back he asked me if i was alright.. haha.. yar la i was.. but not before that.. but when he did it the second time i was prepared.. so wasn't so bad..

it's tiring.. talking to pple too much and too often.. but i guess when u have government backing.. somehow pple respect u and listen to wad u have to say.. of course there are also lots of corporate governance issues to beware of during discussions of any projects.. an interesting experience on that.. =)

masquerade

2006-05-27T23:47:00.001+08:00

masquerade, paper faces of parade
masquerade, hide ur face so the world will never find you..
-the phantom of the opera-

wad reason is there for depression.. wad reason is there for tears..
was the wine the reason? or was the wine the result of the reason..
or was it not reason but reasons...

as all falter and fall.. i am but human..
pride hides emotions before people.. like paper faces do..
but the tears silently fall after they are gone..

does it still hold true? can i still believe?
if it does please teach me how to feel it.. for i yearn to feel it now..
yet i fear it does not.. as i noe it will turn out one day..
but it's too soon.. juz too soon..

forgive this late entrant in the realm..
i noe not how to be.. i noe not wad to say..
forgive my rationality.. or my self perceived independence..
for my mind often triumphs over my heart..
until i realise my vulnerability at last..

when my words turn into those of jealously and viciousness..
when my actions of concern become redundant.. for more happiness can be derived elsewhere..
i will back off as i did.. for i have no right..

i can only adapt and accept.. that relationships change..
when words are spoken but actions not felt..
be glad that at least words are spoken..
be glad that happiness is felt by someone else..

relativity is fearful.. as expectations are..
wad is contentment.. and can one ever understand it?
without information.. can people judge? wad will people say?
an experiment..

wad am i waiting for now? a contact? an answer? or the person behind the mask?

last day of freedom

2006-05-26T22:28:00.000+08:00

today marks another last day of freedom.. after which i noe i will be bound by the knowledge of my results.. perhaps coz people see who u are through ur results.. perhaps coz i see myself through my results.. although i totally understand the problems of a result orientated education system.. but it's juz perfectionist rebecca and her expectations i guess.. somehow i get identified or named after my CAP score by frens, by acquaintances and more interestingly, by plain strangers..

it was rumoured that the results are already out.. for some people.. i remained calm and composed.. and when asked if i'll check it out today.. i plainly said "not interested".. haha.. ok maybe i'm not being too honest here.. but really there isn't any temptation for me to go onto NUS website, sit through the waiting process, type in my matric no and password, and sit through another waiting process without being sure that the results will pop out at me.. and i don't see why i should sit through the suspense being uncertain, risking another time of torturous moments.. seriously this whole process is not suitable for those with weak heart.. haha.. and i have no intention of shortening my days of freedom.. not yet.. haha.. and hi frens.. if i neva volunteered my results.. juz don't ask me.. and never ever probe.. be a true fren.. thx.. haha.. =)

oh gotta update abt my new found poor poor paying internship.. and now i finally realise wad benefit that guy gets out of being so nice.. basically he gets cheap labour.. i mean really cheap one.. i'm being paid S$600 a month! right.. it's not salary.. it's allowance which i'm not too sure whether it can even cover my daily meals and transporation.. starting next mon 5 day week 8.45am - 5.30pm.. the only attractive thing is prob the attractive job scope and experience involved.. and the feeling of working in shenton way.. oh well i'll only be working for one and a half months.. having foc smacked right in the middle.. hopefully i can take leave?? haha.. i'll negotiate and see how it goes..

on a more serious note.. our dear joan has gone back home with the Lord.. i'm glad that it sounds like her family and frens are coping alright.. and i'm sure her story and spirit will forever remain in our hearts.. and may this true fighter find peace in the beautiful world beside Him..

these days...

2006-05-25T00:12:00.000+08:00

too lazy to think of some title which is more creative.. oh well.. a recount of these couple of days.. after being somewhat philosophical thinking abt stuff, i sank into a state of depression as all philosophers do inevitably.. but fortunately i managed to get out of it soon after.. perhaps coz of the splurging and the excessive shopping i've been doing these days.. haha.. and the great singapore sale is not even here yet!

don't blame me.. blame school work and stuff.. coz it's been almost half a year since i did real shopping.. i feel like changing my whole closet of clothes to sth newer.. haha ok maybe that's an exaggeration.. but i really have clothes that are 5-8 yrs old.. and the problem with clothes as with shoes are that there is no reason for me to discard them if they are in perfect working condition.. not broken or torn or too small.. and so the clothes get more and more as my closet space gets lesser and lesser.. but the problem is i would not wear them anymore coz they somehow are not suitable for me anymore.. haha.. my happy problem.. =)

and my greatest prize today is (ironically) a wallet.. because i love it too much! tired of whipping out my wallet and people starting to ask how long i've been using it or when was the last time i washed it.. haha.. rite so that's a hint to me that it's time to change this 5 yr old wallet..

watched the long awaited da vinci code movie with yh yest.. wad can i say abt the show.. hmm disappointed? i already lowered my expectations, considering how much can be done from a book with such excellent plot.. but perhaps the book was too ingenious to be outdone.. the funniest thing was yh's comment on the one-emotion acting of the female lead.. haha.. but tom hanks' acting is still very commendable.. as always..

went to the dentist today.. finally.. i haven't visited a dentist since i took off my braces.. oh wow that's really long.. had an x ray, had my teeth cleaned, had my wisdom teeth in check.. it's quite an alarming visit though.. when the dentist said that i have a hole in my tooth i was shocked.. seriously.. i mean it's embarrassing to have a tooth decay at my age.. but then he mentioned that it was prob coz of the weakness in the structure of the tooth.. coz anyway it's at the top of the tooth.. din noe why my previous dentist sealed my molars but din seal that one in front.. sigh.. and i was even more shocked to hear that the filling needs a local anesthetic.. which sounds super serious now.. but the worst part was his mentioning of removing both my wisdom tooth on the top right and bottom right.. and the bottom ones involve some sort of surgery.. and 'removing a bit of bone'.. right.. it sounds painful... oh well think i'll start worrying when i'm nearing my operation..

while waiting for the dentist i called up the guy i met at the alumni homecoming.. for internship.. i noe it sounds like a weird time to call.. haha.. not too sure whether i got the 'job' yet.. but he sounds as if he was describing some job scope to me on the phone.. mentioning a group of student leaders coming from hk city university.. (hey hkust organise one also leh.. haha..) and i'm supposed to help him out in such activities.. but this really sounds too good to be true.. i mean wad does he get out of giving me an internship.. without any interview or showing him any credentials.. hmmmmm.. i'll noe soon.. talking details over lunch wif him tmr.. haha..

drinking, gambling and jay walking

2006-05-21T02:28:00.000+08:00

met up wif my jc og mates.. it has really been such a long while since we held a gathering.. half a year or more.. a big thank you to pinchuan for organising.. and taking into account my schedule and changing it so many times such that i could make it.. =)

it feels so comfortable to see everyone again.. seemingly the same as the first time we met 4 years ago? haha.. that sounds long.. (btw 2 of them were my primary school mates.. and speaking abt the times then really reminds me how time flies..) the looks, the wit, and the humour.. nothing much has changed..

perhaps only the choice of drinks... haha.. entering c.a.n. cafe after our dinner @ v8, looking at the menu.. all of us decided to order alcoholic drinks.. afterall, the place seemed so much like a pub.. such that i couldn't resist the temptation to make it be a chance to recollect the moments i wish never to forget.. long island tea like before, hoping to bring back some sort of memory.. and trust alvin and youwei to keep us entertained gambling with each other to win enough money to buy a tequila shot for $4.80.. it was hilarious.. haha.. as more of us joined in and the game changed from poker to blackjack, neither of them managed to earn enough to achieve their goal.. and the money seemed to flow from the 'poor' to the 'rich'.. haha.. i started off with 60 cents and ended with the same amount.. really not worth my effort.. haha but it was lots of fun.. drinking and gambling.. hmm this sounds wrong actually.. vices! haha..

and jay walking.. sensitive issue for me.. haha.. esp when we were at the bugis area.. i refused to jay walk across the road coz of my (ahem) unlucky encounter.. paranoid.. so the whole group of us decided to be super good citizens and walked all the way searching for a traffic light to cross the road and then walk back to our destination.. haha.. it's actually for our own good.. but an advice to all.. the next time u decide to jay walk, other than checking for cars which is super super impt, remember to look opposite the road for suspicious characters (ironical.. haha.. )who look like the traffic police.. pls don't get caught! haha..

*
on another note.. while i was typing this.. as usual doing my multi tasking act, i was watching singapore idol.. and i saw the nus business school advert on tv! (interestingly as i was reading prof quek's entry on the bba blog with regard to it) biz school is rich.. haha.. check it out pple!

work and 'play'

2006-05-21T01:12:00.000+08:00

i've been working for the past 2 days.. earning a grand total of $117.. at least i'm bringing in some income to supplement my shopping expenses.. (great singapore sale is coming! haha..)

::work::
fri was helping out in the business alumni homecoming for the man of letters musical from 9am to 11pm.. super shag after that.. but it was good money coz we were a super efficient group of pple when it comes to packing of goodie bags, hence we were paid for the free time to ourselves too.. hee.. though my arms are still aching from transporting the cartons of coffee..

after which i was actually arrowed into a job of 'entertaining' the corporate partners of biz school.. which are supposedly the super big shots who have links with the school itself.. and my job description was 'to make small talks with them'.. frankly i'm not a person who is good at words.. esp when it comes to conversing with business people at functions.. luckily the incentive of my position is also that i get paid $8/hr to watch the musical for free! so i din feel that annoyed abt it.. haha..

i did make conversation with this guy who seemed alone at the function quite early.. (or more like he started the conversation with me..) i was rather uptight at first.. coz i knew he was our corporate partner and some big shot from some company.. certain questions he asked i somehow juz stunned there.. like why din u choose smu .. haha.. direct eh.. but these answers i haven't really practiced since open house.. or wad do u want to go into when u graduate.. after which i think i was thrown once again into uncertainty of the direction in my life.. but the conversation started to liven up when i was curious and wanted to know the difference in employability of students from smu and nus from his perpective.. *ahem.. and the contents shall not be revealed.. but i did learn a lot from it.. and i still believe it boils down to understanding wad one really wants, searching and obtaining wad is lacking to achieve it.. and the best part.. hopefully internship opportunities! haha.. (it's still interesting how he judged from my looks that i somehow don't belong to nus biz)

::play::
i watched the 'play', 'man of letters' by dick lee.. a simple yet beautiful musical which inspires me to think.. abt whether the sacrifices of revolution are fools or martyrs.. abt the courage to love and to make known ur love, and courage to let go.. i cried towards the end.. partially coz of the character in the show, partially coz of the things running through my mind.. somehow it relates.. and the sadness recalled..

i loved the song 'there's no such thing' when the female lead was speaking of her prospective boyfriend.. and was losing the confidence for him to even exist.. maybe he's a tale, perhaps there's no such thing'.. it reminded me of how i once felt.. she seemed to have sung my story.. my favourite scene was the one at the balcony.. the words he spoke and the songs he sung to her were so beautiful.. so romantic.. it melted my heart.. yet the pain of giving up his love for the loyalty to a fren.. or perhaps due to his hesistance to admit his love for her.. i started tearing when he was writing his last letter to her in the name of his fren.. i somehow could feel his misery and sorrow.. yet his hidden passion for her.. it ended with a happy ending.. but it still depressed me.. it got me thinking.. thinking abt things i know was never within my control and never will be.. i feel helpless and vulnerable.. my independence was lost..

::work::
yest was working for the school with regard to the freshman reception tea.. helping in the tea reception for the prospective freshman of biz school.. my juniors haha.. first is to persuade them to come to nus if they have not decided yet.. and second to persuade them to go for the freshman orientation camp.. which i strongly recommend coz of the fun! haha.. actually most of the time i did filming of the event.. tiring for the hands but not for the mind.. hee.. did talk to some of them around.. and i'm really looking forward to a batch of juniors! haha..

get to know yourself better

2006-05-19T01:37:00.000+08:00

seems like this is a highly accurate test for me.. thx peg for the link..

Your view on yourself: (very accurate)
You are down-to-earth and people like you because you are so straightforward. You are an efficient problem solver because you will listen to both sides of an argument before making a decision that usually appeals to both parties.

The type of girlfriend/boyfriend you are looking for: (very accurate)
You like serious, smart and determined people. You don't judge a book by its cover, so good-looking people aren't necessarily your style. This makes you an attractive person in many people's eyes.

Your readiness to commit to a relationship: (very accurate.. but prob not wad i'm doing now..)
You prefer to get to know a person very well before deciding whether you will commit to the relationship.

The seriousness of your love: (very accurate)
You are very serious about relationships and aren't interested in wasting time with people you don't really like. If you meet the right person, you will fall deeply and beautifully in love.

Your views on education: (not so true actually.. haha)
Education is less important than the real world out there, away from the classroom. Deep inside you want to start working, earning money and living on your own.

The right job for you: (very accurate for risk averse me)
You're a practical person and will choose a secure job with a steady income. Knowing what you like to do is important. Find a regular job doing just that and you'll be set for life.

How do you view success: (quite accurate)
You are afraid of failure and scared to have a go at the career you would like to have in case you don't succeed. Don't give up when you haven't yet even started! Be courageous.

What are you most afraid of: (accurate)
You are afraid of things that you cannot control. Sometimes you show your anger to cover up how you feel.

Who is your true self: (very accurate)
You are mature, reasonable, honest and give good advice. People ask for your comments on all sorts of different issues. Sometimes you might find yourself in a dilemma when trapped with a problem, which your heart rather than your head needs to solve.

for those who are free.. give it a try! http://www.quizbox.com/personality/test82.aspx

異國戀情

2006-05-16T19:06:00.000+08:00

我不知我如何如此瀟灑的離去.. 或許是對科技那份無畏的信任.. 我似乎知道﹐當日的離別﹐雖然意味著即將分隔兩地﹐卻並代表我們之間將會失去聯絡.. 我深深相信友誼將會延續﹐成為永恆..

我一向相信緣份.. 卻沒有想到冥冥中的安排﹐可以如此奇妙.. 就當我快要對一見鐘情的可能失去信心之時﹐似乎在迪斯尼那燦爛奪目的煙火之下許下的願望將近實現.. 我從未試過許下愛情的願望﹐或許是因為我對愛情的那份理性與驕傲.. 我從不努力爭取或過於執著.. 但在那洋溢著單純愛情的氣氛下﹐我不得不暗暗希望美麗童話終究將會成真..

我不敢輕言愛情﹐更無可否認我對這一段情感的迅速發展有所害怕.. 畢竟我們相處的時間沒有超過24小時.. 何為愛情﹐我沒有真正體驗過﹐甚至根本沒有真正的了解.. 而要我在那沒有堅固基礎的情感上建立一份跨國的關係﹐我真的不知到是否可能.. 憑著我的堅強﹐我可以把它當成一種過渡的好感.. 容易隨著時間逐漸煙消雲散..

然而﹐我又害怕我的放手﹐是捨棄一份難能可貴的緣份.. 要知道在如此短暫的相處時間之下﹐彼此之間擁有那種似曾相識的感覺﹐如此舒服﹐如此快樂﹐是多麼值得珍惜.. 沒有我的這番話﹐或許他永遠不會知道我的心意.. 因為我不敢承諾﹐更不願自私的要求他的承諾.. 但我選擇明示﹐是想回復他的情義﹐感謝他在那短暫的時間裡給予我的快樂..

我喜歡他的羞澀與掩飾.. 對待一個他知道可能失去的對象﹐他卻不過份積極.. 若他因為害怕失去而過份直接﹐我能夠理解﹔但他的顧慮與猶豫﹐我非常欣賞.. 至少那意味著他對我的尊重.. 因為對我而言﹐我接受不了比現在更加迅速的發展.. (我最害怕的﹐或許就是男人的圓滑與花言巧語..) 我更加感謝他的關心.. 離別那夜/凌晨的不捨雖然浸在不言中﹐我卻看在眼裡﹐甜在心裡..

我曾經認為這是天意弄人﹐可惜這份感情在地理與時間上的阻礙.. 或許少了那些隔閡﹐這份情感將會超越友誼.. 不過我仍然十分慶幸擁有這段緣份﹐和那煙火般短暫卻美麗的甜蜜.. 我相信感情需要時間的考驗﹐才能堅定.. 以後的發展將會如何﹐我不敢斷言.. 但我深信﹐在友誼基礎上建立的關係﹐最少也會以永恆的友誼作為結束.. 而對我而言﹐那已經足夠了..

hong kong trip

2006-05-15T17:42:00.000+08:00

uncertain of wad to expect, unsure of wad is in store, i embarked on a 6 day 5 night academic trip organised by biz school to hongkong on the 8th.. to me it was juz an opportunity to get away from the country after the long and tiring exams..

hongkong has always been a place i loved.. attribute it to the countless hk drama serials i watch.. haha.. the atmosphere admist the colourful billboards and neon lights with the vibrant night life.. the must see hongkong skyline.. and the view from the peak.. i never seem to get sick of all that.. but i din noe how different this would be..

*** my double life *************************
I choose to call it double life.. because it seems as if i'm living twice the time i'm usually awake.. haha that means i suffer from a severe lack of sleep over there.. definitely.. my average sleeping time is 4 hours.. but having a lack of sleep means that i'm doing something i value more than sleep.. which is cool coz as always.. sleep is super impt to me.. but i juz couldn't miss out of the fun over there.. hence the usual schedule is 9am to 5pm of work stuff.. and 5pm till late is play.. haha..

*** highlights ******************************
1. Bloomberg HK. let's talk abt work first.. haha.. so first on my list is my dream company.. it was our first company visit in which i was totally impressed by the dynamism of the company and their live news broadcasting studio.. haha.. (trust that that'll interest me..) had a great time there looking around and acting professional.. of course their job scope seem to interest me a lot.. hmm..

2. Hong Kong Monetary Authority (HKMA). another impressive place we visited.. where we were taught abt the history and the hk currency.. as usual.. people get happy when they see money around.. haha joking.. but the view from the tallest building in hk island was juz fantastic.. though the fog was a little disappointing..

3. Hong Kong University of Science and Technology (HKUST). the name is enough! the first university we visited in our schedule.. proclaimed having the best biz school in hk.. i'm so tempted to go there for exchange (and it's available!) because the students there just click so well with us as if we were long lost frens.. and never forgetting the breath taking view.. if biz had a library with the seaview and overlooking islands.. u'll see me there probably everyday.. not mugging but juz staring at the wonderful view.. *jealous..

their hospitality amazed me.. almost the whole of their BSU skipped lessons to host us.. to think that their exams are round the corner.. i was really touched.. and they are super fun, happening and fabulous people! oh and i met my hongkong counterpart there.. haha.. a super funny and interesting guy whom i realised i was fighting with for the best angle to take photos of the activities.. haha.. got their publication from that side.. hence my motivation to cover hk trip in BZ mag such that we could send them a copy too.. =)

4. Hong Kong Skyline. the view from kowloon to hk island is beautiful.. i love it as always.. a muz go everytime i visit hk.. hee.. juz merely sitting there silently.. looking at the buildings of lights and colours across the river.. with those romantic music playing in the background.. one of the top in the best dating places list.. haha.. it’s also a perfect atmosphere to reflect upon life or merely doing nothing or feeling sentimental..

5. the peak. overseeing the high rise buildings and the habour of hk.. self explanatory! though i’m a little afraid of heights and the 2.8km walk on heels wasn’t exactly very comfortable, the view takes my breath away.. also top on the list for best dating places! haha.. not to mention that i met my bro’s friend (also my fren i guess) whom i haven’t seen for 5 years.. when i heard my bro was meeting him i insisted on following.. and my insistence paid off catching up with whom seemed like an old fren.. and i enjoyed talking and taking photos with him.. haha.. (he speaks perfect English with a British accent.. trust the hk lawyers.. haha.. but i loved listening to it..)

6. the streets, the food and the shopping. temple street.. the streets of mongkok, Nathan road, causeway bay, etc exudes the air of hong kong as a whole.. and i din really eat a lot of food or do a lot of shopping as the familiar hk promotion campaign goes.. but i loved juz walking down the streets to feel hk..

7. HK disneyland. no matter how much negative feedback i got abt disneyland.. i was determined to go pay a visit.. never wavered.. even when i was prepared to get disappointed.. i still insisted on a trip there.. don’t ask me why.. perhaps due to my low expectation.. i enjoyed myself there and i was glad that i went.. it was a place which relived my childhood dreams and magic.. which brought out the child in me once again.. i think i was like a kid at disney.. being fascinated by everything and posing with disney statues and characters.. haha.. of course it is much smaller than the ones in US or Japan.. and significantly lesser thrilling rides.. (they prob only have space mountain which is thrilling) but i loved the fireworks at the end.. it was not mere fireworks.. but it was fireworks telling a story.. and the grace and beauty of it can be felt together with the fantastic lighting, laser and music.. the thing abt hk disneyland is that it cannot be seen as a theme park.. enter with a heart and innocence of a child.. and it will be a place where fantasy and magic comes true..

8. lan gui fang. no doubt one of the highlights of this trip.. because for so many times i’ve been to hk, i’ve never been to LKF.. i was never a clubber.. but i love experiences.. and i like pubbing in a mild manner.. juz sitting there listening to music and drinking.. again my insistence on going there after disneyland (which was super tiring such that most of my frens wanted to give it a miss) paid off as i was immersed in the culture of hk.. we came to realize that the culture of hk and Singapore are rather similar.. even pubbing/clubbing culture.. haha.. i didn’t have a lot to drink.. but we did talk a bit and i watched people drink.. and there was the right company.. plus Wilson and Chris from HKUST who were happening enough to go clubbing with us.. haha.. who of course made use of the coasters at the pub to exchange (not phone numbers) but blog addresses.. hee.. it’s still in my possession now.. =) no doubt we had lots of fun juz talking and drinking.. and thanks to the HKUST guys who sent us back to our hostel.. after which they interestingly walked till 7am in the morning.. think they got lost.. oops.. to think that i freaked out when i realized after my shower that it was dawn already.. haha.. 6am..

*** the upside **********************************************
perhaps some may think that i brought back perhaps nothing more than a keychain from hk Disneyland.. contrary to wad many might end up after going to hk.. haha.. but i believe that i brought back much more.. the consolidation of old frenships through our drinking and bonding sessions.. the formation of new frenships in within our group as well as with the Hong Kong students.. the overdose of Chinese (history and literature), Canto and Hokkien.. haha.. the better understanding of myself, my feelings and my actions.. the experience of love, protection and concern..

*** the downside ******************************************
the zero internet connection and mobile service.. which i feel so handicapped without.. staying for five nights without the comfort of my room, my bed and my bathroom.. the severe lack of sleep.. the aftermath.. (writing for business leads, BZ mag, a report, and my blog!) hmm which means there’s work to do.. sigh..

*** the response ******************************************
many have asked casually how the trip was.. i couldn’t explain so much.. hence i juz gave them a word – happening! haha.. enjoyed myself totally.. and i am thankful to all those who made it so.. =)

my world becomes bigger

2006-05-04T02:19:00.000+08:00

literally.. i can't believe i've been spending years staring at webpages displaying the "smallest" text.. to the extent that the faculties on the nus website is not visible for me to choose.. i always gotta remember biz is the 2nd one of the list.. hahaha..

thanks to my bro who come to my com, complain that the text was too small, then juz clicked a few times and solved my problem which has been there for years.. no exaggeration.. haha.. can't believe it..so suddenly my world becomes bigger.. and i feel more like a computer idiot..

spent my last two days happily ever after.. throwing away all my books.. went out wif myjrs immediately after exams and hk trip presentation.. i drove (yes i drove) to sin ming and we had cheese brownies there.. which was totally fattening but i couldn't care so much at that time.. and later we decided to have a quick dinner and had a spontaneous partyworld session till almost 1am.. 5 hrs of ktv straight.. and i can't believe we still couldn't finish our songs.. ok maybe that's actually normal for us.. hahaha.. i think all the rest have lost their voices.. considering how much we screamed and how high we were.. the reason i still have my voice now is coz i had a splitting headache towards the end and was half dead already.. haha but other than the map reading and being stressed out abt coupons and parking.. i enjoyed myself totally.. super good destresser for a post exam planning..

spent today.. or actually yest half at home.. doing hk trip presentation prep which ended up more like a holiday planning and tv session.. then after that i drove again to terence's chalet bday party @ safra successfully.. other than the little glitches here and there.. i had lots of unhealthy stuff to eat again.. chips and satay and otah mostly.. which once again i couldn't care less.. after hanging out there enjoying 'girl talks' wif some biz frens while asking the guys for more food.. haha.. i drove 5 others in my car (yes they managed to fit in amazingly) for supper.. roti prata! haha.. feel super fat now.. but oh well.. the losing weight part always has lower priority.. but it was good 'bonding' i would say.. the funny thing was my insistence to travel on ecp to go home from there.. which i noe now that pie is super much shorter.. but as risk averse rebecca is.. i would still insist on the sure way i noe.. everyone else gave up on suggesting pie to me.. thinking i'm juz some weird person.. heee..

but i had a great 2 days driving around.. a bit stressed coz i somehow juz want the car to get to my destination and its weird how the car becomes a burden immediately after.. gotta find a parking lot and put coupons and all.. my holiday resolution is to be more mobile.. though i seriously have zero sense of direction.. my memory on places and faces is super super poor.. but i've got all the time in the world now! hahahahaha.. happy..

but gotta prepare for hk trip presentation tmr.. it's a bit late but yes i'm going to prepare now.. the slides and the speech.. i'm gonna do a good job tmr! =) meanwhile bear with my recounts coz i really don't have time to write abt the insights these days..

post exam?

2006-04-30T12:29:00.000+08:00

looking at most of the people around me starting to enjoy their hols, i'm getting into post exam mood already.. i was looking at my planner and thinking about what to do with my free days after exams.. and i was getting happy over what i could.. forgetting that i've got one more gem paper left.. losing focus.. which is not very good..

but it's always good to plan ahead! haha.. i never really understood why people put down to do lists on blogs.. but i think i get it now.. something to look forward to.. =) in no particular order..

1. go shopping.. i'm so dying to go town!
2. kbox! lalalala..
3. watch movie! lots of movies coming up.. davinci code! how can i ever miss that..
4. go settlers.. but xin say they 'eat' money.. oh well..
5. meet up with all my frens and catch up with them..
6. go to my hairdresser, dentist, optician.. wad's exams done to me? sigh..
7. go travelling.. i wanna go Scandinavia!
8. practice my long lost piano.. need some music if life.. haha..
9. tennis and lose weight! haha.. it's been on my to do list for years.. literally..
10. get a part time job.. after all the above.. haha..

so frens.. if u wish to do items 1-5.. date me k.. 9-10 also can.. hahaha..
i need to get my life back.. ok.. maybe i sound a little desperate here.. blame it on being cooped up at home for 2 weeks staring at books and notes everyday.. 3 days more.. can't wait! i'm getting cranky.. haha.. =)

live life and love life!

tears

2006-04-24T22:00:00.000+08:00

no matter how hard i tried to hold my tears back, i was unsuccessful.. this is the second time i cried for someone i do not personally know.. for a batchmate battling against cancer cells so courageously, physically weak but her will stronger than any other..

i was reminded about her story through an email sent out by RGS batchmates rallying fund raising efforts and support for her.. Not too sure about the circumstances intially, there were constant updates recently about her situation.. through blogs and the recent feature on the newspaper, i learnt about her whole story.. and i was affected by the sole thought that one who is younger than me has to be put through this lesson of life which no one else can ever understand..

suddenly everything else seems so insignificant.. whether i get 10 or 11 mcqs correct, or how many As i get this sem becomes so superficial.. while those often taken for granted becomes as important as they should be.. facing death at my age becomes unimpossible.. yet i feel a deep sense of unfairness.. who chooses the victims of cancer? who has the right to deprive of one the bright future and happiness at such a young age? i'm sure she asked such questions.. she feared.. but she was stronger.. she overcame it and she will fight on even if that meant just another second more of her life..

her story has affected and changed the lives of many.. to better understand life and its meaning.. and to better cherish family and friends and the things u hold dear in life.. hopefully i'll relearn all that again.. perhaps the only consolation is the compassion, the love and concern it has brought out from many others.. as well as the efforts from our alma mater, RGS, and our batchmates to support and stand by her.. something which i am immensely proud to be part of..

the rest we can do is to pray for her.. i am not a Catholic.. but i know that God will stay with her on this path and give her strength to continue on.. for the sole reason that she believes..

fight on joan!

first paper

2006-04-21T22:42:00.000+08:00

thought i wouldn't have the luxury of blogging during these weeks coz of exams.. but i think i need an outlet once again.. before i waste more time thinking over and over again.. promise myself that after this, there's no more thought about it anymore.. promise..

had my first paper today.. IT.. it's actually a lot of fun doing an exam with my bro.. haha.. can discuss with him and go through with him certain concepts or papers.. and share notes which is mutually beneficial.. (really.. can't imagine how i'll do the paper without his lab print out..) perhaps only once in a liftime will he sit in front of me in the same exam hall taking the same paper.. cool..

i was fine after the exam.. though i was in a state of shock towards the end not understanding why i had to rush out my last part of the answer.. it was indeed quite scary.. i anticipated to complete the paper in at most one and a half hours.. still dunno why i din have enough time.. after i handed up the paper and was sort of certain my last answer wouldn't be very far off from the correct one, i juz thot it was over and i should stop thinking abt it..

but subsequently i realised mistakes in two of my answers.. it's weird how I can easily tell others that it's over and to stop thinking abt it.. when I can't do it myself.. but the scarier thing is my mentality.. and my expectations on myself.. being so affected just because i got 3% off my grade.. was i expecting full marks??? perfectionist? i dunno.. but that'll be crazy..

sometimes u thot u were smart to see the trick in the question, but the question is smarter.. i said i'll give it to anand this time.. it was too intelligent a question.. but at the back of my mind i knew i was so close to getting it correct.. so close.. yet my inability to see another part of the trick makes me in the same state as those who din see the first part of the trick at all.. the fustrating thing abt mcqs..

sometimes i'll just have to learn to let go.. (i thot i mastered that? apparently i gotta relearn it again) i don't recall having such problems last sem.. perhaps coz of my policy of not going through answers with my frens after that.. i went for exams with what i called ping chang xin.. just making sure i did my best.. which i think it's impt.. so wad has the burden of expectations done to me? oh man.. i'm quite glad i'm only feeling it now.. i can't imagine how i could have taken it if i were the top few students in the school when i was younger.. i don't think a child could have taken it.. (though i noe many who were in that position and are still happy people now..)

great.. think i'm out of the IT mood now.. =) keeping my promise.. and reminding myself about ping chang xin.. off to mug!

the 'interview'

2006-04-18T22:06:00.000+08:00

i think i really haven't applied for something for too long.. lost touch or sth.. somehow an interview is the only way i thot a company could evaluate and choose a potential employee or scholar.. yet i was totally proven otherwise today..

mistake number 1: never happily assume a 'scholar selection exercise' to be an interview.. without checking it out before hand.. that was precisely what i did.. until perhaps yesterday i went back to read carefully the email they sent to me.. i realised that the timing was rather weird.. it starts at 1.30pm and they mentioned that it will end at 5pm.. i started to suspect it to be more than an interview.. but din go deeper than that..

going there expecting to enter a room with, if they are friendly prob juz 2 or 3 interviewers, if they are mean prob 5 to 7.. haha.. in the end i saw groups of people leaving and individuals coming for the 'interview' at the same timing.. i sort of knew it wasn't solely an interview.. at least there was a group exercise coming my way.. i found the idea refreshing.. and weirdly exciting..

apprehension was inevitable, no matter how much i tried to convince myself and calming myself with whatever inspiration i could think of.. but the idea that everyone else there would be my official juniors somehow gave me confidence.. it's cool to be different, though feeling quite old sometimes.. but soon after we were brought to a room with an exam setting.. and right away i could sense that it was a written test.. i juz couldn't guess that they wanted us to write an essay.. within 45minutes, choosing 1 question out of 4.. it felt exactly like an extension of exams.. since i was in exam mode i really din mind.. i'm always better in writing as compared to verbal communication..

after writing an essay and doing a somewhat familiar personality test, i experienced one of the most interesting ways a selection exercise can be conducted.. to me at least.. coz apparently it was rather expected when i started asking the rest.. prob they have really improved on innovation and creativity even in terms of choosing their talents.. it was a group exercise, in which a case study was given to us, giving us 5 minutes to read, 40 minutes to discuss and 5 minutes to present. It really sounded simple.. but there are factors in which totally slipped my mind.. and every other group member's minds..

mistake number 2: never lose track of time in a discussion.. and never wait to be told what to do.. and never underestimate the requirements of a good group discussion.. and that is again what i did.. hahaha.. with 2 HR people observing us on the side after giving us abt 30 seconds of instructions, we were all on our own.. no communication or consultation whatsoever with them.. interesting.. and so we started our discussion after being told 10 minutes later that our 5 minutes reading time was up.. so we commenced on our discussion.. the question was simple because i knew the answer they were looking out for.. i knew the intention of the question and the politically correct answer.. yet interestingly.. no one in the group saw that to be the main crux of the question.. prob because helen told me what the firm was actually looking out for.. of course making some more insightful suggestions (*ego*) i realised that no one actually kept record of the time.. it totally slipped my mind (and everybody else's) how impt time management is.. hmm.. so i didn't do so badly there since it was me who pointed it out.. but i think all of us screwed up at the back.. because after being told there was 5 minutes left, we assumed that someone would tell us to commence our presentation.. but to the contrary, after 10 minutes the HR people told us that our presentation time was over! haha.. frankly i was in a state of shock at that time, because i didn't see that coming.. totally.. and after that i din expect myself to overlook that point.. it's about initiative.. about not being told to start; instead telling them that u are starting.. of course in the end they gave us a chance to present.. but i knew the contents of the presentation was secondary..

although i din fare as well as i would like to.. (considering that i'm a business student i should have known group dynamics better and saw that coming.. i did fare better than my fellow group mates though.. ) but i really look at it in a positive light.. the experience was invaluable.. and now i know what companies look out for through their innovative selection processes.. honestly, my chances are not high and i noe it.. not because i am less competent, but because of the discipline i am in.. (it's complicated..) however i'm not less proud that i'm in biz.. if i were in that same position a year ago, or in fact looking at people one year my junior, somehow i realised how much exposure i have been through and how much i have learnt throughout my uni life.. and i cannot deny the fact that it was biz training that made me more outspoken in the discussion, insightful in my analysis, and confident in my presentation.. no least bit of regret in my performance today.. although there was a miscalculation on my part.. i put in my best shot.. at least i don't think i have disgraced my reputation nor anyone else's..

that was 6 hours gone for that eventful 'interview'.. plus the preparation beforehand would make it more.. meaning that amount of time less for my revision.. i don't think i can sleep for the next 2 days if i want to finish my revision.. oh well.. but beauty sleep is always more impt.. hmm.. that's a tough one.. anyway mugging time!

webcast marathon!

2006-04-15T19:55:00.000+08:00

just a little different from a movie marathon in terms of content.. and that it's at home with a small screen, with notes taking and a teeny weeny bit more intensified.. 10 webcasts in 2 days at an average rate of 1.7 times.. somehow i find people talking too slowly now.. hahaha..

can't believe i lived through that.. (thankfully it's mr anand for most of it) but that's not the end.. coz i've another 5 more webcasts to revise for marketing.. and i'm so certain this time that i have to listen to every single word of all of them considering how attentive i was towards the end of the marketing course.. but cool.. at least i've done a substantial amount for econs and it.. now starting on marketing.. starting to read my textbook finally.. must make use of it coz i bought a brand new one! haha..

not too sure the status of the other 2 modules.. still regreting that i din s/u my gem module.. it's like hanging in the air.. haven't touched the rest of the 4cm thick double sided reference notes that were printed except that time frantically researching for my essay.. (which i still completely dunno wad it's abt) and comparing the amount of revision i did for ma with fna last sem.. i'm starting to get worried for ma.. hmm.. hopefully the time will come and the boat will be straightened at the bridge.. hopefully..

i don't think i can write anything else related to work now.. time is just so scarce.. if i had double the time i have at hand now.. prob it'll be sufficient.. it's weird that i'm always just a little bit late in everything.. why couldn't i have started off that little bit earilier then? haha.. a million dollar question for myself i've yet to answer.. i can't really recall how i paced myself last sem.. but i din remember myself so pressed for time then.. or perhaps it's a subconscious burden of the expectations that is constantly pressuring me..

choices in life

2006-04-11T11:52:00.000+08:00

just received a call and a mail from biz school vice dean.. telling me i've been shortlisted for interview for my scholarship application for pwc.. she sounded more excited than me.. prob coz i sort of expected it since she put in perhaps all the good words for me already.. she actually went the extra mile to write a recommendation letter and gave pwc a call to talk to them abt me.. i think they at least gotta give her the 'face' and accept me.. to think that she was the one who brought this scholarship into biz school in the first place.. but really feel very appreciative for all she has done for my application.. don't even think it would have been possible without the weight of her good words..

yup received the mail from pwc asking me to go for 1st round of interviews on 18th April.. yest that's like 3 days before my first paper.. don't ask me how i'm going to prepare for it.. i really dunno at the moment.. one week more.. already starting to feel jittery.. haha never been good at interviews.. perhaps to many it doesn't mean anything.. juz prepare one day in advance and got there to be myself.. but for me it means a lot of preparation.. i'm not exactly fast in my thinking proces.. but yet again i'll try.. and i'll make sure i'll try my best.. coz now it's not only my 'face' involved, which is not worth a lot.. it's also the vice dean's reputation which we are talking about here now..

the choices in life are really interesting.. they really gotta put everything together at the same time.. law biz ddp application was juz out.. i was intending to go for the breifing tmr.. and was intending to apply for it first.. then decide whether i want it later.. anyway it doesn't involve any essay writing this time.. so why not? anyway i noe it's either accountancy or law ddp, regardless whether i get the scholarship.. but it's still too early to make a choice.. (if u ask me what major i'll be taking i'll always give a hesistant answer) or have i subconsciously decided already? anyway hate myself for being real indecisive.. i dunno why i'm always so torn when law is involved.. sigh..

dunno how it'll go.. but i'll make sure i at least don't screw up for my interview.. got 2 reputations to uphold here.. if u count bizad that'll be 3.. haha.. it's not easy.. but doing my best is just all i ask for..

game theories and option explicits

2006-04-10T23:32:00.000+08:00

i was a fan of the movie 'a beautiful mind'.. respected his ingenuity, perserverence and passion for knowledge.. and his courage in facing life.. remember checking up for some information on the real person after that.. of course the movie beautified the real story..

john nash became a familiar name to me.. not so much his theories though.. but learning game theory is interesting.. learning abt anticipating other's actions and strategic thinking.. something new which enhances thinking.. did the last tutorial of the course for econs on that.. trying to figure out whether union's threats on rejecting a contract could be possible.. haha.. realising that they are incredible threats after all.. glad econs tutorials are over meaning no more thursday meetings and rushing the answers out on friday.. (like last fri i was frantically editing it while doing IT and trying to figure out about two part tariffs at the same time with about only an hour left to tutorial.. quite stressful.. esp when everything goes wrong.. haha) and the every-tutorial-3%-of-ur-grade thing is super irritating..

the library today was intimidating.. full of people mugging and the atmosphere somehow rather tense.. some people need such environments to study.. i can't.. i need a corner of my own.. not seeing anyone around.. not feeling the tension.. brought a whole load of books and stuff hoping to have some time to mug.. ended up spending all my time doing the IT project.. again.. juz wanna finish all the indentations and comments once and for all.. glad i finished them though.. been thinking of doing completing it since forever.. but sure got some other nitty gritties which take up more time later.. sigh..

did the teacher evaluation thingie today.. juz saw it so decided to juz finish it.. if not it'll be hanging there again.. something on my mind i gotta complete.. in the end i find myself too afraid to give really bad comments.. so oh well.. the worst is a neutral.. voted for Mr Anand as outstanding teacher.. he totally deserves it! spent quite a lot of time writing the nicest stuff about him.. =) he turned me from an IT idiot to a search engine expert.. after hanging my computer countless times though.. haha.. very motivational and encouraging.. and super super patient.. and of course charismatic.. (no wonder there are countless girls falling for him.. hahaha.. i clarify first.. me excluded) my respect for him comes purely from a student.. who can feel the concern and help provided for when we feel totally lost in the course of learning.. there are never stupid questions.. and he makes sures he clarifies all of them as best as he could until we understand.. wad more can a student ask for from a teacher who understands the essence of learning and teaching?

got ma tutorial presentation tmr.. it's the last tutorial also.. everything's coming to an end for the sem.. i promise myself i won't panic tmr.. i noe i can do it.. live the spirit! =)